Anxiety since Mother died

I have been virtually unable to leave the house for months now.

I am having italk sessions by phone once a fortnight as advised by my gp.

I take st johns wort twice a day which has turned the constant terror into more manageable fear, esp bad in the mornings.

I just want life to be fun again. Is it possible to get over anxiety? I know so many people with it in some form but no one who is literally terrified an a regular basis.

My mind is ruining my life.

Living alone does not suit me.

Have you made contact with…

Jacqueline,

I remember your struggles with mum, and would liken what you are going through now as a sort of Post Traumatic Stress.

Have you spoken to your doctor?

After I was widowed I virtually gave up sleeping. At 3am I was often doing accounts and paperwork. Then I realised that although I did not want medication, my body needed it because I was completely and utterly exhausted.

Initially he prescribed Amitryptilene, which left me with not a care in the world, put me to sleep within half an hour of taking it, but I really couldn’t concentrate at all on one pill. Half worked a lot better. Gradually needed them less and less, so reduced the dose to a quarter of a pill and then just gave up taking them.

After all my battles with Social Services I ended up in a similar position last year, a different GP, and was prescribed Sertraline. Really resent the need of having to take them, but I was tired through lack of sleep. They are not so sleep inducing, but make me generally a bit calmer and able to deal with the stress of dealing with SS and Ombudsman better. I haven’t taken any the last few weeks, as I’m having work done on my cottage. Plasterers, builders, decorators and plumbers all start work at 8am.

Try to think of what your body needs most at the moment, when I was widowed, the widows forum members all agreed that the Six Month Low, i.e. 6 months after their partner died, was the worst low point, and you can’t be far off that now?

Hi Jacqueline
Sorry to hear you are suffering so.
Without someone living with you to support and bolster you up, it’s important that you remember all the good and positives in your past for yourself… Whether that’s congratulating yourself every morning that you have made a nice cup of tea, or you give yourself great big pats on the back for all the difficult things you did for Mum. Keep reminding yourself of anything and everything positive whenever you can, no matter how small

It would also help if you had someone or something to care for, perhaps a dog or cat ? Or some voluntary work to go to. With all your experience your local carers group could probably use you as a befriender to someone stuck in.

hope this helps a little
Kr
MrsA

Jacqueline
I understand where you are coming from. I can be in danger of becoming reclusive. My husband passed on the 11th May and the few weeks of all the arrangements etc are passing now, leaving me with that brain fog at times. The ’ what do I do with myself now feeling" ? Luckily my family don’t give me chance to become reclusive. Have house refurbishment to consider now.
Not much help but want you to know I understand. Keep posting, as others will support you.

Losing your mum feels like losing your world. Nothing anyone can say can resolve the pain you feel. Ease will come at it’s own pace and you will find that in your own way of doing things. It’s a process that can’t be rushed and is something you live with on a daily basis. Each person is different in how they cope with things.
In time maybe a support group would be of help
Cruse are a charity that deals with bereavement: The helpline is open Monday-Friday 9.30-5pm (excluding bank holidays), with extended hours on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings, when we’re open until 8pm.

The number is 0808 808 1677​

The helpline MIND 0300 304 7000 is a resource you could use in times of needing to talk things through.

Also https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/coping-skills-anxiety.pdf maybe of some help.

Always feel you can talk to us here at the forum x
coping-skills-anxiety.pdf (80.1 KB)

Thank you so much for all your replies.

My son is staying here for a week which has made such a difference to how I feel. I do have some good friends around and a lovely tenant but concerned that being pretty much too afraid to leave the house most days is becoming the current norm.

I will contact mind and cruise. Wish I could get benefits but lack of photo i.d prevents this.

Have managed to borrow from a good friend. Roll on probate!

__

Wish I could get benefits but lack of photo i.d prevents this.

Are you sure ?

https://universalcreditinfo.net/myths/i-must-have-photo-ID-to-start-a-claim

Additional source :

What ID do I need to claim benefits ?

Proof of identity

a birth certificate.
a credit card or credit card statement.
a driving licence.
a letter from your social worker or doctor.
a marriage certificate.
a passport.
a P45 or P60.
two recent bank or building society statements.

Yes Chris. I dont drive and I cannot find my (out of date) passport anywhere.

It is a bit of a b****rd but there it is,

Other means of identification listed … not of the " Just look how ugly I am " variety … apt in my case … ?

Jacqueline,

You need to deal with this asap. It’s outrageous that someone who has been a carer for a long time is treated like this. Presumably you were receiving Carers Allowance before mum died? You have a death certificate? You are still at the same address? Then to me it’s blindingly obvious that you are who you say you are!

I think you should take this up with your MP, and explain how it’s affecting you.

Take a photo of yourself and get a G.P. M.P or local police officer. To endorse by signing the back and if necessary a letter confirming their position.

I have recently got myself a new passport and have applied for universal credit.

I have a sick note from dr due to my anxiety so cant claim u c!

Luckily I have a friend who has been able to lend me money.

I miss my Mother so much. Been going through her things trying to tidy up and let go of stuff (my own things too) whilst still allowing myself to keep whatever I need to. I now have some beautiful scarves and many of her clothes. It is lovely to have things that were so personal to her and that are now so evocative of her.

I recently bought a soft toy and named it after her!

I have also been having weekly berevement councelling from a local charity. Its free!!! Run entirely on donations. How marvellous is that?
I hope my fearful state of mind will gradually fade. It is soooo mich more manageable these days.

Thank God for my two dogs who need their two walks a day.

Still have a love!y tenant so bills are all being paid. Life is manageable. Even enjoyable. Phew.

Phew indeed Jacqueline, but do remember that bereavement isn’t a straight and level road. It’s more of a roller coaster with twists and turns and ups and downs.
was really pleased to hear how well you are doing and how much has been sorted, and thank you for updating us. We were quite worried about you

So pleased to hear from you and that you feel more positive in many ways. It is roller coaster, and I am accepting that can have grey days then better days. Sounds lovely that you can wear the scarves. ( I love scarves myself)
Keep posting.

It’s now 13 years since I lost my lovely husband, every so often I have a “down” day.
Now I can recognise them, and I acknowledge how I’m feeling, and why, I try to avoid doing anything other than absolutely essential things. It’s OK to do nothing at all now and then, when you are in a reflective/missing you mood. I know I was lucky to love someone as I did.

Remember that you are missing mum because you had a good relationship with her, and were therefore lucky.
The memories of the last difficult months will gradually fade away, but that feeling of loving and being loved never fades.
Later, you will find that you don’t need to hang on to so much that belonged to her. Bit by bit you can let go of more “stuff” when you realise that your mum lives on in your heart forever.

It has been nearly a year now (17 jan 2019) since Mother died and I am truely heart broken.

I still have councelling every week whi h is great.

I cry and cry most days and am currently unable to leave the house due to anxiety, which comes and goes.

Luckily I have two tennants who are genuine and kind people. Also my dogs give me unconditional love. Bless them. I love them so mich.

Berevement is so painful …

I know many of you will have similar experiences. I am so thankful for my friends and for my Brother who rings me daily and for my son who is regularly in touch and who is happy in bis life.

Thanks for reading.

Hello Jacqueline
Sorry to hear you are still so sad and struggling with the loss of your mother. Pleased you are having counselling.
I miss my hubby terribly. Been 7months now. I sort of counsel myself. He was so poorly, especially for the last month, & dementia was declining rapidly, tell myself he is at peace now,and although I would love to go back to our happy times, I wouldn’t want him to be declining any more, his dignity all but gone. I know he wouldn’t want me in terrible despair, so I try not to be. One of the things I said to him, just before he passed, was that I will always be grateful for his teachings to me about coping with life. He passed shortly afterwards, very peacefully, so I cant let him down.

Yes, Mother was ready to go but you how it is. Those little daily moments and jokes and someone to tell the small details of your life to.

I tell myself that the fear will grow less as the day goes on (it is much worse first thing) which helps. At least I can sleep at night.

7 months … Early days. Hope you are being kind to yourself. I try to be!

Still unable to go out and about without some degree of fear but it is better than it was.

My two lovely tennants are a God send and have, so far, been able to pay their rent in these trying times.

Miss Mother but feel like I am slowly recovering. Still have councelling once a week which has really helped. Had 6 cbt sessions but didnt notice any real difference.

Dogs and small animals are a great comfort to me. Roll on being able to socialise again!