Am I the A**hole? Relationship with boyfriend and mum

All about caring
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I just found this group and I think it’s the only place I can ask for some honest advice.

Briefly…

I’m a carer for my disabled sister and now my mother, too. My mother is currently undergoing a lot of medical tests. She doesn’t yet have a diagnosis but is on a lot of medication.

I’m in a long-distance relationship. He’s from India and my mum doesn’t like him because she thinks he’s only after my passport. We’ve been together 6 years and he’s working very hard abroad so he can get better pay, opportunities, and eventually move to Europe (without my help). I feel very comfortable with him and he gives me the mental break whenever I get overwhelmed in my caring role. This is also my first serious relationship.

Anyway, we haven’t seen each other since lockdown! We were supposed to meet this year with my mum (who wanted to give him a chance). But because of my mum’s health conditions, our plans got cancelled.
We’d still like to meet and my boyfriend texted my mum to ask about it while she was in the hospital’s waiting room (bad timing, I know). She called him selfish and said she doesn’t want to hear from him again.

I have another sister who’s studying, so if I wanted to leave, I’d have to work around her schedule. The only time she is free is over Christmas and New Year. We don’t celebrate much, but we’ve always spent the holidays together as a family.

Would it be that bad if I went away for Christams and New Year? There’s my mum’s diagnosis hanging over our heads - what if it’s something really serious? I can see the dissapointed look in my mum’s eyes. She told me she would never leave me if I was sick and that she can see where my priorities lie. But she still wants me to meet him so I can see how bad he really is. When I asked her if she wants me to break up with him she said no becasue she doesn’t want me to blame her for it.

I’ve always been there for my family. Never complained and never asked for anything. I’ve given up studying, working and socialising to be a carer. I’ve just turned 30 and starting to feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of things, and I’m starting to resent my mum because of it. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve also travelled a lot together and have had a fantastic time, but I feel like I’m not free to make my own decisions.
So giving up this relationship feels like the ultimate sacrifice which I do not want to make. Maybe our future is doomend, but I just want 2 weeks to feel young and free.
In 2024, my mum could need more help and I couldn’t take time off to see my boyfriend.

Otherwise my mum and I get along really well - I’m practically her clone. My relationship is the only thing we’ve ever fought about.

I also feel like my mum supports all my sister’s decision - she even has her Costa Rican boyfriend come to stay with us for 2 weeks in December. I’ve also always supported my mum and encouraged her through all the things she wanted to do and try.

Looking for an outsider’s opinion on this. Am I being foolish and selfish as my mum and sisters say?

A torn soul xx

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Hi pujibob, welcome to the forum. It is hard when you have a long distance relationship to know if they are for real and not just wanting a passport. Really it is your choose but to see how things go invite him to visit you when he is in the UK but make sure you have someone to give you moral support but also to look after you incase this person is not real. Your mum is looking out for you as she knows you are vulnerable not just being a person of your own sex but also you being a carer. She see you still as her child and wants to look after as long as she can. Have him to visit before you go away to see him, mainly for safety reasons and because it christmas. If he is a real person then he would try to see you than expect you to go to him as you never met him. Some of us carers never get chance to have a relationship with someone one else due to out roles but there is always someone who is the right person to come along in the end. All I can really say is be careful in any relationship and don’t let it spoil your life but just be cautious.

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You mum is thinking only of herself. A good mum would want her daughter to live life to the full, not try to blackmail her! Have you ever lived on your own? You need to move out, complete your education (what were you studying) and get to know the woman you really are when you have a life of your own, before committing to any relationship. I met my husband at 16, just as he had signed up for a trip that would involve him driving across the world. He was away for two years. We corresponded while he was away, saving enough for a deposit for our first house, we were engaged within weeks of him coming back to the UK, bought a house, got married, all within our first year together. We were only apart when I was in hospital, and I was devastated when he died suddenly.

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Thank you for your warm welcome.

Maybe I wasn’t clear - he is a real person. We’ve met a few times over the years.

Unfortunately at this moment it’s not possible for him to come to the UK. He’s full into his job (working and doing courses). He knows that his job is his ticket to make our relationship work. Plus as an Indian it’s not easy yo get a visa.

He took his holidays based on the dates when I thought I was free…but because of my mum’s health, things have changed. He’s on annual leave now so we only have a short window when we can meet.

What do you make of the situation now? @Michael_1910123

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Hi there, thank you for taking the time to reply.

I love my mum dearly, but sometimes the situation gets to me.
No, I’ve never lived alone. My dad died when I was young and I’ve always had a strong sense of responsibility towards my family.
I studied communication science, but dropped out becaue of my family situation. I’ve since done a distance learning marketing course and currently do some online work. It’s not much but it gives me great personal satisfaction.

We’re not thinking about marriage. He still has a long way to go with his job. And I won’t even consider it until he is “up to my standards” (if you know what I mean).

Sorry to hear about your husband. You make the whole journey sound so easy. Did you care for him? @bowlingbun

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Long distance relationships with rare meetings worry me, I’m afraid. My eldest son was swindled out of thousands by someone he thought he was going to marry. Effectively he paid for the reception for his “fiance” and her husband to be. So I’m probably a bit biased when it comes to situations like this - but you are very vulnerable and an ideal “mark” for someone with ulterior motives. Be very careful. One potential clue as to whether he’s “real” in the sense you mean…who paid for things when he was here? Have you ever sent money to him for anything?

I know this is something you don’t want to hear - but I’m naturally very suspicious. Take care of yourself.

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Thank you for your reply @Charlesh47

I know what you mean. I’m also very sceptical of these kind of relationships, so it’s kind of ironic that I’m in one.

I see where you’re coming from, but no, he’s never asked for money. When together, we’d take turns paying (he probably paid for most things). Now he’s offered to pay for my flight ticket. It’s just knowing the dates!

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Fair enough - good to hear.

The hard part about all this is that whether your mum is right or not…the UK government will definitely treat the relationship that way until or unless you can convince them otherwsise.

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