I just found this group and I think it’s the only place I can ask for some honest advice.
I’m a carer for my disabled sister and now my mother, too. My mother is currently undergoing a lot of medical tests. She doesn’t yet have a diagnosis but is on a lot of medication.
I’m in a long-distance relationship. He’s from India and my mum doesn’t like him because she thinks he’s only after my passport. We’ve been together 6 years and he’s working very hard abroad so he can get better pay, opportunities, and eventually move to Europe (without my help). I feel very comfortable with him and he gives me the mental break whenever I get overwhelmed in my caring role. This is also my first serious relationship.
Anyway, we haven’t seen each other since lockdown! We were supposed to meet this year with my mum (who wanted to give him a chance). But because of my mum’s health conditions, our plans got cancelled.
We’d still like to meet and my boyfriend texted my mum to ask about it while she was in the hospital’s waiting room (bad timing, I know). She called him selfish and said she doesn’t want to hear from him again.
I have another sister who’s studying, so if I wanted to leave, I’d have to work around her schedule. The only time she is free is over Christmas and New Year. We don’t celebrate much, but we’ve always spent the holidays together as a family.
Would it be that bad if I went away for Christams and New Year? There’s my mum’s diagnosis hanging over our heads - what if it’s something really serious? I can see the dissapointed look in my mum’s eyes. She told me she would never leave me if I was sick and that she can see where my priorities lie. But she still wants me to meet him so I can see how bad he really is. When I asked her if she wants me to break up with him she said no becasue she doesn’t want me to blame her for it.
I’ve always been there for my family. Never complained and never asked for anything. I’ve given up studying, working and socialising to be a carer. I’ve just turned 30 and starting to feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of things, and I’m starting to resent my mum because of it. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve also travelled a lot together and have had a fantastic time, but I feel like I’m not free to make my own decisions.
So giving up this relationship feels like the ultimate sacrifice which I do not want to make. Maybe our future is doomend, but I just want 2 weeks to feel young and free.
In 2024, my mum could need more help and I couldn’t take time off to see my boyfriend.
Otherwise my mum and I get along really well - I’m practically her clone. My relationship is the only thing we’ve ever fought about.
I also feel like my mum supports all my sister’s decision - she even has her Costa Rican boyfriend come to stay with us for 2 weeks in December. I’ve also always supported my mum and encouraged her through all the things she wanted to do and try.
Looking for an outsider’s opinion on this. Am I being foolish and selfish as my mum and sisters say?
A torn soul xx