Am I still a carer? Mother in home now (2)

Hi. I have been caring for my 98 year old mom for many years, but she is in respite care at the moment, because things got desperate for both of us. Social Services have arranged care for her at home, 4 visits a day.

I havn’t been able to visit mom for over two weeks because the home has been in lockdown, but in my opinion mom isn’t ready to go home.

I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Mom desperately wants to come home, I do understand.

Should I address my concerns to Social Services or the home?

I feel guilty as they are all doing their best to care for mom, but I am not ready for this change.

Social Services should be talking to you, as carer, BEFORE any decisions are made. Surely at 98 it’s blindingly obvious that she is nearing the end of her life and her needs are going to increase and increase until she dies???

Can I ask how old you are?

You have an absolute right to choose not to care.

Yes, Louisa, you are most definitely still a carer. It is just that your role is different now. You have delegated a large chunk of the caring to the care home, which can deal with this more easily and effectively than you can. You visit her, discuss her with the manager, take her things she wants. If her house needs to be sold you will undoubtedly be involved. Have you arranged power of attorney?

All these things and more count as caring. It is just that things now are more adminstrative and less personal.

Feel free to post to this forum as often as you like.

Just to point out that every care home resident is able to have one appointed “essential care giver”. This person (be it friend or relative) should be able to visit even during a lockdown (with the appropriate testing and use of PPE).

I sympathise, My 100 year old mother moved into a care home a few weeks ago after I had organised her care and filled in daily between carers for several years. Probably your mum isn’t ready to go home, and probably you are not ready to have her home. You say things got desperate for you both, that suggests that she was needing more care than one person could give, and you were exhausted by it. Perhaps you need time to recover. I wonder whether it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor, so that he could support YOU and talk to social services on your behalf. If you are exhausted, don;t be afraid to say so. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I hope things work out for you.

Hi Rex,

I have started you a new thread of your own here

Melly1 (moderator)