Am I being selfish or doing something wrong?

me and my boyfriend have been together 1 year and 7 months. I’m 21 years of age and he’s my first ever relationship. He’s always suffered from anxiety and we think it’s linked to his childhood, he was mistreated and went through a lot, been in and out of foster care, had his name changed and has never really had anyone there to support him.

March last year he suffered a panic attack and since then it’s been deteriorating. He’s been to the doctors, they prescribed him several medications over the past year but noticed it’s was have a more negative affect or after so long they stopped having any affects on him. He then started seeing these psychology professors who preformed EGG brain scans. This is when we discovered he was suffering from major depression and anxiety. Later on we learnt he has dissociation disorder, this means his feeling and emotions are completely shut off and he feels nothing. The first thing that he told me was that he knows he loves me but no longer feels it. I am very understanding and don’t take it personally, I know it’s not just me he doesn’t threes anything for. He’s very talented, he’s a musician, artist and has lost all love and interest in these also. I can’t help getting upset about him not feeling anything towards me, knowing how much love I have for him and finding it bizarre how he just can’t feel anything.

We moved out beginning of July last year and around this time, he started new employment. I noticed a huge deterioration in his moods. We don’t argue as a couple, we get on very well but it’s just the situation we’re in is very difficult for me. He felt unable to continue with work because he was desperate to get himself sorted and “fixed.” I’ve moved back to my mums without him and he’s moved into a cousins house. We still see each other regularly but a lot of the time the mood is very low and negative. It’s stops us from having fun as a couple and even our sex life has declined massively. I feel like I’m being selfish but these are things I feel I needn’t during this time. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot in this relationship. I constantly give my all and do anything I can to help him but it’s hard when u get nothing back. I’m a very insecure person and I’ve noticed the way I feel about myself and everything else has declined a considerable amount.

Usually once a month I have a few days where I feel awful, and depressed myself. I find it very difficult being with him at times know we can’t go out and enjoy stuff as a young couple (especially it being the first relationship I’ve ever experienced, I feel like it hasn’t been much of a positive experience at all). He is very robotic and sometimes afternoon we have had sex I feel very awkward with him and I know this feeling isn’t normal so I worry myself a lot. My boyfriend thinks I’m going wrong because I can’t accept his condition and the situation for what t is at the moment. However, I feel like I’m a very understanding person and I enjoy accepted a great deal. It’s just sometimes I can’t seem to stop it affecting me. My moods are down all the time, I find it very difficult to feel comfortable and or happy in situations is find myself enjoying before.

I’ve noticed when I arise problems or go to talk to him about things I’m struggling with, he’s blaming me a lot because he seems to thing I can put a stop to the way I’m thinking and feeling and I’m not trying hard enough. This it’s self is very discouraging because it’s coming from someone who hasn’t got any feelings or emotions. I complexly understand his situation is worse than mine but having feeling and emotions makes things more difficult because everything hurts more.

He’s getting help and support whereas I’m not getting anything and I feel like I’m struggling a lot. If anyone has any advice on what I can do to help myself and him in the situation it’s would be much appreciated. I’ve spoke to people in the past and now they just seemed to say ignore or deal with my feelings because my partners he one experiencing the major depression and anxiety. For so long I haven’t thought about myself but I know i can’t continue to do that because I know the way I’m feeling can’t continue.

Like I said, I would be grateful for any advice

Hello Beth
At the moment I can’t answer your post as such because of bereavement. I just want you to know you haven’t been ignored. Am sure someone will be along with advice.

You take care

Basically you too need some support, it is impossible to look after someone with mental illness without support yourselves.
You are a young carer, under 25 I think my local carers centre has a special team to help under 25’s.

Have you talked to your GP, they should be helping, The mental health services should have an unpaid carers plan-direct you to support services.

Dissocation disorder, theres a lot on the Mind website just type it in should come up.
Is your boyfriend receiving therapy/pyschotherapy?

Again as you are young , I found the Youth Enquiry Service very helpful, don’t know if there is one in your area, but helpful to have someone to chat to who will listen and understand about your situation.