Caring for boyfriend: brain injury, PTSD a substance misuse

Where do I start.

It’s been a very rough road recently. My partners mental health looks like its deteriorating and all I seem to be able to do is watch it happen. I feel so much pressure and responsibility, im 25yrs old and have been caring on and off for my partner for several years now. I’m so sad to admit it, but I resent him for some of the things he has put us through recently. I know he is unwell, but I don’t feel like my partner appreciates what it’s like for me dealing with the fallout of his conditions. Am I selfish for thinking this? Does anyone else feel this way? I feel tired.

What I’m going to say will seem hard, but he’s never going to change.
You are NOT responsible for him.
Either you are prepared to put up with this, or worse as he gets older, or you walk away.

Hi Blue,
Are you selfish for feeling that way?
No. We all need to think of our needs also. And as carers, we tend to be poor at self-care.

Does anyone else feel this way?
Yes, most of us probably. I certainly felt that way almost all the time.
And, worse than that, I felt like I had failed as my wife didn’t get better.

I supported my wife for over 25 years. It was a big mistake, for me, for my daughters, and paradoxically for my wife also. It just enabled her to behave that badly. It destroyed my self confidence and caused serious MH problems for my girls. It destroyed all my friendships and family relationships.

Since I left my wife last year, my daughters and I have made huge progress and we are all on our way to a more fulfilling life.
My now ex-wife has ALSO got much better, since she has had to be independent… This was the exact opposite of what I expected to happen! (This forum was very helpful in preparing me for potentially worse outcomes).

Some people do recover from MH issues, and realise the harm they’ve done. But not many, and not very many relationships can survive that level of damage. And 99.9% of the time BB will be correct. That’s very poor odds.

Please think of what you’re giving up if you follow my path. 25 years lost.
Above all, believe in yourself.
And please, if you are ever at risk of harm, get out immediately.

My partner has PTSD and tends to blame me for anything which goes wrong. He stopped seeing a therapist as he said it was just making him feel worse.
I really feel for you as I have been on the receiving end of verbal anger which has upset me. He says I am being over sensitive.
When I am at work he sends me angry texts about mistakes I have made in the past. When I return home he is all smiles and says his angry texts are him ‘offloading’.

You need to think about your own needs. You are not being selfish in the slightest. You are young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. I do know how you feel. You are not alone.

That is the reality I fear I’m afraid. I appreciate your honesty though, many people have said similar to me, that he will never change. Its not all bad times, though the bad does outweigh the good now. But it’s those little glimpses of ‘HIM’ that I keep holding on for. But I feel like I’m being foolish and I’m scared one day I will look back at my life and have regrets.
Also sorry for my VERY late response! It’s been tough recently, even to reach out for support. Thank you for all your replies, it really helps :slight_smile:


You have done your best but if,

the bad does outweigh the good now.

then it is time for you to plan to end it, for your own well-being.


Presumably you are living together? Start an exit plan, especially somewhere to live.