I’ve been struggling a lot over the last year. Two years ago I moved in with my partner, and we were dating for two years before that. They are fantastic, they make me happy and they help me find joy in lots of ways which I’d never found joy before. On our first date we went to an art gallery, and then we spent about an hour looking at a wall outside which had plants growing up it.
They’re fiercely independent, and when we met they were working full time, living alone, sending money back to their family. They were defintely struggling with it all, and they’ve had regular periods of time off work. They get exhausted, and they always struggle to get enough rest to recover from everything.
I think things have got harder for them over the years. I don’t think they know how much I do. I don’t think I want them to know. They’re so tired. I’m tired. I do almost all the cooking, cleaning, etc. I can’t afford convience options and it’s food that would help the most but that isn’t healthy. We can have days out on the weekend, like to a local museum, but they aren’t able to do anything else after going out. I can’t drive, so we have to get the train and I know that doesn’t help. I don’t want to give up the things that give them some fun. And I know they come from a really abusive childhood, and feeling reliant on me is very emotionally complex. And we don’t have a complete diagnosis.
I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough. Over the last year I’ve started medication for anxiety and for migraines. Work is stressful too. It’s all so hard to balance. But if I don’t keep on top of things I don’t think my partner could keep themself safe and looked after anymore.
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@sandlewood and welcome! Well, you’re definitely a carer. Absolutely! Iif nothing else told me that, your comment about constantly feeling you’re not doing enough certainly did. I think we’ve all been there at some point, if not all the time. I loved your story about your first date. It reminded me of early dates with my wife.
My main caring role is for my wife, who had a spinal cord injury 11 years ago: she now uses a wheelchair outside the house, but can walk a little inside where there is furniture or a rollator to hold onto, or me! I’m also involved in my autistic son’s care - he’s 40 and lives in a supported living environment - and my oldest son lives with us and has a number of health issues, including mental health.
Do you have a freezer? If so, you could perhaps cook a large batch and freeze a meal or two so you’re not under pressure to cook every single day. I use a slow cooker for some of our meals, and it’s great for switching on early in the morning and coming home to a meal that’s at least mostly ready to eat.
If none of that is useful to you, that’s fine. We can discuss other options.
In the meantime, you probably need to discuss with your partner whether you need other help. It may be worth looking into PIP Personal Independence Payment (PIP): What PIP is for - GOV.UK - the link takes you to a page that explains what PIP is and links you to find out more. If your partner isn’t receiving it, it may be helpful. Despite what politicians think, it’s a benefit that is paid to people who need it whether they’re in work or not, and it can be a big help with the bills.
It’s probably worth getting in touch with your local carers support group. You can find it here: Support where you live | Carers UK They can advise you about help available in your area.
Obviously, we’re here. Do pop in to Roll Call https://forum.carersuk.org/t/roll-call-february-2026/128086/ and see what we get up to!
@sandlewood Hi,welcome. Having been a carer for 30+yrs, you’ll be taking on many roles as you mentioned, cleaning-cooking-paying bills etc. I recommend asking for them to examined by your local care professionals. Then you can check on what care they need. Try to apply for respite care, that way you can have time for yourself. If you have any relatives, ask them to help. Caring for loved ones is a difficult job. When you next have a breather, reflect on what you have done. You’ll be very surprised. If you still feel stressed, you can talk on this forum or try Samaritans.org. That way you can blow off steam.