Am I a carer? Dilemma

I am 28, and my partner is 32. We moved into our new house in November but since March, my partner had been ill with multiple symptoms and due to the pandemic was struggling to get help.

In this time of limbo, he took to googling and researching his symptoms himself, which has ultimately led to a severe deterioration of his mental health. Since May, there have been mentions of suicide and outbursts of anger, often directed at me simply because I’m there to project onto. This is still continuing as he cannot see a return to how he was before. I have been afraid to leave him in the house alone because of this.

I have been burdened with this as his nearest point of contact. I have made countless acts on his behalf to try and get support whilst he has shut off friends and family who could help. He is also resentful of health services for not being able to deliver during the pandemic. It has taken its toll on my own health and well-being plus our relationship and I am concerned about the sustainability of this situation.

I do not think I classify as a carer, however I have had to take a lot of this on as he is resigned to the belief that there is no hope or help. My questions are: am I a carer in any sense and is there somewhere I can get some support?

Hello and welcome. It sounds like things are really difficult for you and your partner now. I would say you definitely are a full time carer but to make it official and claim Carer’s Allowance you’re partner would have to get PIP (Personal Independence Allowance) first. Then you can claim Carer’s Allowance.

It is worrying that your partner has shut off friends and family - they could be a great asset to help him with his recovery. But also I understand how he feels - I guess he doesn’t want them to see him in his depressed state.

Reassure him that you love him each day.

Has he spoken to his GP recently?

I hope this helps.


I think being a carer is a very personal definition, and it is also how you feel in yourself about that term.

In ways of help - here is one place where you can talk without judgement which is a good start.

Carers Allowances is another that has been mentioned and also local authorities can sometimes help by providing a review of your situation and what they can provide to help. This all depends on the area I think though.

Hope you stay safe and well x

To find out more about Carer’s Allowance type out Carer’s It is only £67.25 per week.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies! It’s nice to be able to talk openly.

In terms of support, I am much more interested in moral support/respite that allows me to take a break away from the situation, which when in a Tier 3 lockdown is far from possible I know. Has anyone had any similar experiences here?

I am increasingly concerned that this situation is not sustainable, especially with such volatile moods.

It has been 6 + months of this, with meltdowns and an unshifting mentality of “no one can help” even when I suggest his coping methods are not serving him let alone anyone else.

Is there anything else I can try?

I understand you’re in a very stressful situation, especially as you feel you can’t leave him on his own and there is no one else to support you.
You could try phoning MIND on 03001233393 or the NHS on 111 for help and advice.

Have you tried telling your partner how you feel?
Could you have your friends and family round or is that not allowed?
Is he on any medication?