Accusations of assaulting caree due to public assumption, prejudice and optics

All about caring
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Is this a common issue that others have experienced ?

Any help, advice, guidance would be appreciated.

My wife has Young Onset Dementia / Alzheimer’s, she exhibited very early symptoms in 2019 when she was 46 years old, I had to fight the medical establishment who assumed it was menopause, and she finally got her official diagnosis in 2024.

Since then her family have abandoned her and cut her out of her mothers will, we were made homeless for 9 months, and I come from a history of children’s homes and foster care and am estranged from my family, these days we pretty much have each other, we are alone and isolated but I am determined to make what’s left of my wife’s life as happy and memorable as possible.

I am a registered Paramedic, but had to give up my career about 12 months ago to become my wife’s full time carer due to her deterioration.

On Friday 26th June I took us for a long weekend away at a hotel to treat my wife.

Not long after we checked in and whilst dealing with a member of hotel staff, they noted a tiny bruise / swelling isolated to my wife’s right eye lid (I noted this injury in the morning when we woke up 2 days previously and I have no explanation as to its cause), but my wife did not want to interact with them and it was clear at the time that this member of hotel staff took exception to my wife’s refusal to talk to them, after dealing with this member of hotel staff me and my wife have gone to our hotel room.

A short time later there is a knock at our hotel room door, police officers are there and immediately arrest me for assault and take me to custody, they did not talk to me or my wife prior to arresting me, luckily I was able to relay to them that my wife had Alzheimer’s and needed 24/7 supervision/care and after some disbelief they eventually left an officer behind to look after my wife.

Seemingly the hotel staff after the police had arrived at the hotel have looked through cctv footage of me and my wife in communal areas and noted that I was always holding my wife’s hand and on occasion she would try and pull away from me and that I would prevent that, which they took exception to.

I genuinely thought that some common sense would prevail and after some investigation the matter would be dropped.

Unfortunately that has not been the case, I was released from custody with bail restrictions not to go anywhere near my wife or to contact her, and they served me with a Domestic Violence Protection Notice (DVPN) which also had various conditions attached, I had to appear at Magistrates Court 48 hours later where the police were wanting to convert the DVPN into a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO), my solicitor advised me prior to the hearing that I should expect a DVPO to be issued because they dish them out like sweets and my solicitor has never personally experienced a DVPO not being served.

The Magistrates heard the police’s DVPO petition and looked at all the evidence, the statements and the cctv and questioned me, and stated to the police that they could find no evidence of any offence being committed and refused to serve a DVPO.

I thought that would be the end of the matter, but unfortunately I was and continue to be bound by Bail conditions which the police are refusing to drop or amend, I was bailed on the grounds that the police did not have enough evidence to make a outcome decision, and the police are insisting that they want to investigate the matter further but obviously will not disclose what that entails.

In the meantime my wife has been placed into a nursing home unit for dementia patients, despite my insistence that my wife should be cared for at home (I am my wife’s sole Attorney on LPA’s)

Social Services have been a complete nightmare (that’s a whole different long story), but they are not communicating with me at all and trying to get hold of them is an object in futility.

The police have me bailed for 3 months and seem in no hurry at all to progress the matter to a conclusion and are not communicating with my solicitor.

And in the meantime time my wife is languishing in a nursing home which is going to have numerous physical and mental trauma consequences to her, and is certainly not the best place for her.

Having read the DVPO petition pack that the police presented to the Magistrates, it is clear from the statements from the hotel staff that because I am 6’ 2” tall and well built, and because me and my wife are young, that an assumption has been made that I am a wife beater and my wife is being abused (perversely the reality is that my wife on occasion will assault me due to her Alzheimer’s)

What is clear is that my wife and I are the victims of public optics, assumption, prejudice, and now stuck in a bureaucratic police process that assumes you are guilty until proven innocent, and a failing bureaucratic Social Services system. Accusations of assaulting caree due to public assumption, prejudice and optics Accusations of assaulting caree due to public assumption, prejudice and optics

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hi @ENIGMA_OMEN , I have been down this road a few time with my mum. Like you I am tall and broad built and I have been treated wrongly by the same people because of it. My only advice is wait and see what happens. If you been bailed and has gone pass it time then the matter should be dropped. What I suggest is get every bit of paper you got about your wife conditon about the Alzheimer’s so it can be used as evidence. Your solicitor can appeal to the courts for the case to go in front of a jury and see if the case is drop. Also can appeal cps that as there no / lack of evidence for the police to go on, would it be in public intrest to carry on with this case, you can go to a high courts for that I think. I would speak to the Alzheimers society as they might have some advice on this matter as it must come a daily thing that comes up. Are you still in touch with your union? you could ask them to get you to speak to a couniclior as this is making you stress and worryed and see your gp as well. You could write to your MP and explain what happen and you are getting no where. Hope this helps

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This is absolutely terrible. Have you spoken to the Alzheimer’s Society?

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Hi @ENIGMA_OMEN and welcome to the forum.

I assume your wife is under a specialist or has been seen by one and that there are medical files available that could be used to confirm her diagnosis and state?

I also strongly advise you to contact the Alzheimer’s Society Contact us | Alzheimer’s Society

It can’t be the first time that something like this has happened and they’ll be best placed to advise you. Years ago my wife advocated for a carer whose wife was in a care home because they were…intimately active…and this was judged unseemly. Eventually, common sense prevailed. I hope it does in your situation too.

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Hi

Thank you everyone who has replied thus far,

My wife was eventually seen by a memory clinic, had CT scans and then eventually referred to “Cerebral Function Unit” who did an extensive multi disciplinary assessment of my wife and then gave their diagnosis and prognosis.

I think the police have accepted that my wife has Alzheimer’s, but think they confuse the term “Early Onset Alzheimer’s” to mean that my wife is in the early stages of the disease, rather than it meaning that she has had symptoms from an early age.

I know that eventually the matter will be dropped, but unfortunately that doesn’t help the police try and expedite the process and/or drag it out to make a decision until my bail date in 3 months, there is also the possibility that the police are going on a fishing trip / bit of a dig to see if they can find any previous or evidence of historical issues, which there is not, but doesn’t stop them trying and dragging it out that way.

My concern primarily is my wife and her welfare, and having this drag on for 3 to 6 months, maybe longer is not going to do her any good mentally or physically, I’m terrified that when all this is over and my wife is under my care again that she will not be the same person and our relationship and routine will not be the same, as well as the fact that she has limited time as it is, she doesn’t have a spare 3 to 6 months to waste.

As a side note, prior to becoming a Paramedic I was a police officer, so I can see the flip side, I get they have to investigate and that my wife is vulnerable etc etc etc, but it seems to me that once you are in this process you are in it for the full ride to the end, there is no short cut, common sense or fast track process for special circumstances.

But what concerns me as much is that I can not be the only carer to have similar experiences, the caree’s that we look after that have hidden disabilities that sometimes cause them to behave in a certain way and/or as a carer have to hold hand and prevent harm coming to our caree, how do the public perceive this when they see it happening, and is that perception biased and prejudice by certain factors like age, physical appearance etc etc etc

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That’s crazy, if they are husband and wife why can’t they still be intimate despite any disability, that is a new one on me, I honestly would not of ever thought of that happening, I am truly shocked, how did that ever stick as a “best interest” decision

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Surely with your background of being both a paremedic and police officer you are the squeakiest of squeaky clean?!?! In the past I’ve been aware of the Guardian being very concerned about social care issues. Maybe they could assist?

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I have not been formally accused of assault but my Dad lived with us for a little time and he had a diagnosis of Dementia. Most of the family refused to accept this and claimed he was just an old man who sometimes got a bit muddled. They completely ignored the medical diagnosis.

Many times I would prepare lunch for him and go to work only to find he hadn’t touched it or had thrown it in the bin untouched. One day a relative visited and brought cream cakes and he ate one with them along with sandwiches they brought. Later he denied anyone had visited and the extra cream cake in the fridge had been put there by me to make it look like I fed him. He then began telling people I refused to give him food and there was no food in the house. On the other hand he told the cleaner to ‘clear out all that food - there’s far too much here, this is ridiculous…’

We had a massive falling out and I had some phone calls from his elderly friends asking why I had been so horrible to him and why I had abused him! They refused to listen and badgered me for ages, even after he died, telling me I made his last couple of years terrible for him. Luckily no-one took it any further but I could have been in a terrible position too. I know the ‘victim’ has to be listened to but the WHOLE situation must be taken into account. We’re all aware of cases of abuse, but the police should have listened to what you had to say before even arresting you. Talk about sledge hammers and nuts!

I do hope you get things resolved very soon.

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I’m so sorry to hear of your experience Chris

That’s not a nice experience to have, and you would hope friends and family would not presume or assume, and at the very least ask you to gain a better understanding of what is going on.

I have every confidence that things will get resolved, but with Young Onset Dementia the disease tends to be very aggressive and rapid.

I still have friends within the Police Services who have also mentioned the extreme degree they are taking, and definitely a sledge hammer and nut situation.

My bail to not be at the same address as my wife, or contact or interfere with her directly or indirectly is to prevent me interfering with her as a witness, but her cognition is such that I have absolutely no control over what she may or may not say, any direction or instruction I give her remains in her memory for only a few minutes.

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Since leaving school my careers have all been to serve and public sector.

Unfortunately playing devils advocate these days you can’t assume that given my background I am squeaky clean, there are a minority of those that exist that give the rest of us a bad name unfortunately.

But yes, I have no previous criminal convictions, never had a brush with the police, neither has my wife, no previous police record of any domestic type incidents, and I have routinely jumped through numerous hoops to pass umpteen background checks and security vetting etc etc etc over the years

It will all get sorted, but it’s just time and patience

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I have friends in the Police and Ambulance Service. Whilst there may be some “bad apples” the vast majority are doing their best to serve their communities and deserve our respect unless proved otherwise.

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The issue was that the wife was non-verbal and they felt she lacked capacity due to the dementia. My wife took the line that she clearly behaved willingly - she’d been seen instigating the contact - and only did so with her husband, so she knew what she was doing. To prevent this was to deny her rights and his to one of the few ways they could express their feelings for each other - and what were people doing watching in the first place? To say the least, there were some embarrassed individuals at that meeting…

The police agreed and washed their hands of the case, and it was agreed that they would have “closed door” contact sessions.

This was about ten years ago - I remember having a similar reaction to yourself about it. Unbelievable.

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Bless them, that’s so sad they were in that situation, and awful that such a stance and action was taken by the powers that be.

I’m glad it all worked out for them, it’s those little moments of happiness is all you have to hold on to sometimes and make life feel like it’s “normal” even for those few moments.

I’m sobbing my heart out now thinking about it, I miss my wife terribly and I don’t even know if she is okay or misses me :sob::sob::sob::sob:

I’ve not been given a manual to tell me how to care for my wife, we pretty much got given the diagnosis and then abandoned, I’ve had to proactively research and find every social support resource out there, but unfortunately we have yet to find one that caters for Young Onset Dementia, after a few try visits to these support groups my wife will then refuse to go, she knows her own mind and I can’t force her (unless the powers that be want me to drag her there against her will, but then I would be constantly getting arrested for assault)

it’s like you can’t do right for doing wrong sometimes :man_shrugging::man_shrugging::man_shrugging:

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@ENIGMA_OMEN , you are right if try to do the right thing, someone always say you have done wrong. I think these days the system needs to change more espically these days where certain mental health issues are become more the norm, people need to be taught how a simple thing can be mistaken for the wrong reason and it should be pushed more in government. I remember watching I think it was the Bill or casutly where parents had been wrongly accusessed that they had hurt their child but even with a foster parent the same thing was happening and it turned out to be brittle bone diesase and everyone was clear but it goes to show how things can be easyily missed but also how simple test could have shown it earlier but was never done. Everyone see B&W but not the grey area which is leading to more issues. I went to one of these carers hub meeting where people who work as carers or in the care system could come along and have their say. only a few of us had good reason and answer we put forward, everyone else was there for the free food and drink and most were pen pusher from the local health board, taught them a few things.

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Has your wife told either the Police or Social Services that you have not assaulted her?

I ask because a friend has recently had a similar experience with Police and SS. Someone reported that she was not looking after her husband (about 20 years older) very well and had assaulted him. First she knew of this was when 4 Police Officers turned up at their house! Yes 4! They took her in one room, him in another and questioned them for ages. He told them his wife had never assaulted him and cared for him very well. SS arrived and they went over everything too. It was a malicious report but they opened a case about it and it’s still not closed. They come regularly to check all is well. It has absolutely devastated my friend.

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This is terrible. The first action shouldn’t be a heavy handed approach, but someone simply asking “Are you OK, or struggling and need more help?”