92yr old mother caring - thankless task

Since my father died 4 years ago I have been the sole carer for my extermely hard of hearing 92 year old mum.

She depends on me to keep her house in order, but that requires a lot of communication and decision making, the two things she cannot seem or want to do with me.

She wont have any carers, and is still independant in most areas.

She has always been a handfull (to be polite), but on my own I am finding it such a thankless task, and my mum makes it more so by abusing me, I get branded all the things a 55 year old man should not have to hear from his mum.

During the last months of my fathers life she raised hell, fortunatley the Hospice provided a professional trained Counsellor and mediator, she was brilliant, and helped communicate my thoughts to my mum, and also put in context my life and what I can and can’t do for my mum. Sadly that service finished when Dad passed, and since then I have been looking for something similar, but to no avail, I’m happy to pay for it … but neither the Hospice or NHS can help.

I’m at my wits end with her.
She’s just come out of hospital after a bout, I had lots of cleaning up of ‘mess’ after she went in, I was exhausted with all the running around, and at the same time trying to run my business, she seemed gratefull for that, but few days on and thats all forgotten, she’s havnig a go again, I feel like she just wants to wind me up for a reaction.

Can anyone suggest where I can turn for help, Zoom meetings might work, if I can get my mum to put her hearing aid in - which she refuses to wear.

I just need someone (with experience and training) to act as mediator.

Welcome to the forum. A bit more info about mum would be useful.
Presumably you live with mum full time? Does she own or rent it?
YOU are in charge of the household, not mum, don’t let her boss you around.
Is she receiving Attendance Allowance?
If she is abusive, just walk away, or record what she is saying to you, to make the GP understand what she is really like.
Is she incontinent?
What was she in hospital for?
Presumably she rejected her 6 weeks reablement care? Did you even know that was available???

The “I don’t want carers in” line, has to be the most common here.
Very elderly people just can’t see how much others are doing for them.
However, make it clear to her that either she has carers in or you move out.
It sounds like you have no time to yourself, no life of your own?


I’m afraid It sounds all to familiar. We can still remain as our parents children ( instead of grown adults) in adulthood. The thing is your are now the adult and mother is the child. How do we deal with children actions have consequences. If mother refuses to engage with you - you must not persist. Stop doing things for her and make her wait. Until you are ready to follow through on her requests and demands. Sad as it maybe mother is unlikely to change. You are the one who has to make the charges. And it’s going to be tough.