This is very long, so I apologise in advance. I’m looking for encouragement mainly, my friends have already passed judgement on the issues raised below so I’ve already had the talks about morality and owning up to my decisions.
Quick recap of my life. I’m 25, mother of a toddler with a loving and supportive partner, ‘carer’ to my mother who has Complex PTSD, incontinence, insomnia, some sort of fluid retention and chronic pain.
I’ve been taking over as a carer since I was around 15, with basic roles such as sorting out benefits and arranging GP/hospital appointments. These increased over the years to cleaning, finances and house maintenance. Only carer for my mother, for years she refused outside help, but recently has been more open to outside help yet if I bring it up to ask around she says she’s not up to doing it.
Anyway, to the present. I’m manic depressive and probably bipolar (family history and showing symptoms), and struggling with my mother. The last year I’ve been showing signs of a slow-burning nervous breakdown. It started with sleeping less, then I was eating more junk food, increase of mood swings and behaviours that weren’t normal for me. I’ve become lethargic and in general just a shell of myself, it’s massively affected my bonding time with my son and my partner as I rarely feel able to ‘love’ them. I don’t even want physical contact with my partner, which is horrible for him. Not even a hug most days.
My mother lives inside 90% of the time. She’s allergic to synthetics, so can’t use any pads or special pants for her incontinence. Then she has chronic facial migraines so constantly has to drink to stop herself being in pain. It’s a vicious cycle. Her mental health issues mean she suffers from severe anxiety and gets panic attacks if her phone goes off or the door goes, visitors only allowed if I’m there. I will be the first to admit that I never put 100% in. I’m ashamed of my behaviour in relation to sorting things out. But if it’s any consolation, I literally forget to eat and drink everyday, so trusting me to remember to organise things is doomed to fail.
My mother is an interesting character. She has been a victim of horrific abuse, but finds it hard to push past seeing herself as a victim. If I say I’m suffering from any sort of mental health issues, she always says that it can’t be as bad as hers because of the abuse she faced. Any pain I get isn’t as severe as hers, and I have no excuses for slacking. However, on the flip side, she’s constantly diagnosing me with disorders such as autism, Asperger’s and borderline personality disorder. Her favourite thing to do is tell me that I would be evil to bring any children into the world with my family history of bipolar and ‘psychopaths’. So she’s all sunshine and daisies.
I mentioned before that I’ve been seeing unusual changes in my behaviour. One of those behaviours was stealing money from my mother. Before last year the only time I stole from my mother was a single £5 in my teens. Not exactly a serial thief. I don’t know how much I’ve stolen, over £1k though. Which is the most atrocious thing an adult child can do to a parent. She had some inheritance given to her last year, so has been living off that and not off benefits (apart from PIP). She knows I’ve taken money, however she’s accusing me of doing things that I haven’t done (purposefully not told her how to pay rent, left the room to pay for bills etc). She doesn’t know how much I’ve taken. During the year I never felt guilt for stealing, it almost felt like I was being repaid for the constant psychological and emotional abuse I faced. That’s abnormal I know.
She’s demanding she has an accountant to go over her finances. I’ve agreed as there’s no way of avoiding her finding out for sure I’ve stolen. But my mother doesn’t forgive. She already calls me evil and says I lie to her and she can’t trust me. But this is the first bad thing I’ve ever done in terms of anything criminal. The ‘lies’ I’ve told don’t add up as they’re not things I would say in the first place. My partner (who she hates) has been at the receiving end of the lies too, she claims he has said things that would be out of character for him.
I’ll admit to the stealing to her, it is out of character for me, but she’s adamant I’ve been stealing since I was 15 (just like my father I MUST be an evil, conniving serpent of a human). She won’t forgive me for this and has already said previously that she will not see me or my son (the only grandchild) if I ever do something unforgivable. I’m her only carer, and there are no family or friends to look after her.
Just so people know, I have tried getting professional help for myself, the waiting list for psychotherapy is 2 years long in my area. I have been denied any short term therapy due to complex issues. My mother also is not under any psychological help, mainly due to her being housebound.
TLDR: my mother is a nightmare to care for. I’m a horrible and disgusting child for stealing from her and i’m sure I just ruined any relationship I had with her.