So me and my partner have recently become carers for my partners mum. Just like all of you, we were never expecting to be in this situation. My partner, who I am so proud of, only has her mum. She has uncles and aunties but just like everyone else they have their own lives and problems to deal with. My partner is from a poor family but she’s worked so hard to get through school, A Levels and even put herself through Uni. She is now a project manager where she hoped to go further in her job. Then beginning of this year everything changed. Her mum fell sick and the only option we had was for her mum to live with us.
This has been a extremely difficult time for us as I know you all would have been through the same. She has been extremely stressed and depressed and what’s worst is my partner and her mum don’t have a good relationship anymore. It’s like my partner is the mum and her mum is the daughter. After a extremely difficult few months the dust has settled a bit. We are now in a bit of routine and we’ve gotten help from professionals. The thing that we struggle with now our future as a couple. She always worries that I’m going get fed up and leave but that thought has never cross my mind. The thing that I’m worried about is having a family of our own. I imagine having a kid can be quite tiring and hard work so that and caring for her mum I’m not sure how we would cope. I’m usually a optimistic but I can’t see how we would deal with it. Is anyone else in the same situation? Does anyone have any advice?
Lastly everyone who is a carer or supports carers you are real life super heroes and the world should reward people like you.
Really lovely to meet you. I juggle caring for elderly parents (just my Mum now as Dad died in Feb) and small children. I’ll be honest it totally broke me and I didn’t have them living with me. I gave up work, was a burnt out husk of the person I had been, was miserable and at times absolutely hated my Mum and Dad. it was really tough.
I say this not to scare you, but to enable you to plan for the future. It may be that time has come for your MIL to move out into a care home, so you two get your lives back. If her situation teaches you anything, let it be that life is short and precious and you have to make the most of every second, for who knows what is around the corner for any of us. Your partner need to use that hard earned degree. You need to be able to have kids if that is what you want. You need to live life and enjoy one another. At your age it isn’t right or fair that you have this burden of care. You need to be working for your own financial security. It doesn’t mean for one second you give up caring altogether, but it is finding a balance that makes you and your partner happy too.
Things got better with the help of the forum. Dad had to go into full time care, Mum has help in. I still do stuff for her, but more in a roll of a care manager. I worked out with my sister what we could do, the rest falls to outside help. Time with Mum is now more quality time enjoying our relationship. Rather than me hating visiting and resenting her. I now have a part time job that is flexible enough to enable me to care for kids and mum! I am much happier!
I hope you guys can find a better balance for you too.
Just in case it’s needed … a guide to home care services … what’s available , and who provides it :
Have you had a needs assessment or not?
Depends on what age and what sickness mum has. If it’s any form of
dementia it will certainly get progressively worse and her care needs will
Hi Karl, it’s a real shame you didn’t find the forum before mum moved in with you. Mum needs to move OUT as soon as possible.
Please tell us more about mum and what happened 6 months ago, then we can help find a solution for you.