Hi all, my wife has had acute problems relating to PTSD for the past two years. She has had a few week-long stays in a safe house, provided by a charity, when things were getting too much. She had been really on top of things for the past year but it has been re-triggered, and then some. She went to the safe house for a week and came out seeming worse than she went in. She asked the community mental health team to put her in a proper hospital, where she could access all of the professional support under one roof but she was repeatedly denied it. Without going into specifics, she did ‘something’ to get their attention and it was agreed that she should go to hospital but we’d have to wait for a bed for a few days, and that the hospital could be anywhere in the country. Luckily, a bed came up in a hospital about half an hour away from home. She has been in there for two weeks and things seem to be getting even worse - not better. I don’t like to admit it but I don’t like going to see her in there because it overwhelms me with fear that it won’t get better. We are both in our mid to late 40s with a young teenaged daughter, so it’s currently just me and my daughter. I’ve made the school aware of what is happening - to look out for her - but she *seems *to be dealing with it pretty well - eating, laughing with friends, engaging in pass-times, etc. I have quite a responsible job but, luckily, I only have to go to the office for two days a week. Work have been really good and allowing me to work from home even more or do what I need to. Last week was absolute hell - I was working, trying to manage the house, visit my wife, and looking after our daughter and a cat. My wife had signed me up to look after a neighbour’s pet and another neighbour’s house last week, on top of everything else. To cap it all off, I’m also studying for a degree whilst working and had to spend a long time on an assignment, which was due in today. I was massively stressed last week and ended up calling Samaritans for myself, just to talk to someone. We live 70-80 miles from nearest family and our parents are all in their mid-70s with their own health problems. We don’t have many friends locally, but one or two have been given me some practical help, dropping daughter off at girl guides, etc. I don’t know who I can talk to with my worries, and feel a lot of the advice online is not appropriate, overwhelming, or just signposting in circles. A few well-meaning people have offered kind but useless platitudes. My parents are coming to stay this weekend - to “help out” but I will just be more stressed trying to get the messy house in some sort of order, and looking after them whilst they are here. I am going to sound like the most horrible person, but I have thought of leaving the marriage, but it would just make things worse, and I’d still have to look after our daughter, and probably on a lower income. I feel really trapped - having to cancel events and plans, not really being able to do anything or go anywhere, and I worry so much that there will never be an end to it all. We thought things were going well and the PTSD struck again and was worse than ever - even though my wife can now recognises when it is going to strike again and try to nip it in the bud. She is a shell of herself and it is so hard seeing her like that, not to mention for our daughter. I really don’t know what to do, who to speak to, just admit defeat, or what. I repeatedly asked community mental health what I should be doing, as a de-facto carer, and they never made good on any offers to provide advice and support. We were getting passed around mental health teams, with nobody taking ownership of anything, denying her hospital. In the tome between A&E, and waiting a few days for a mental ward bed, the home ‘care’ team were still telling my wife that hospital would not be good for her, even after A&E and other community MH teams said she needed to be in there! You don’t know what to believe. Even in the two weeks she has been in the mental hospital, so far, with no end in sight, there have been some questionable decisions by professionals - even queried by other staff within the same team! I feel frustrated, confused, forgotten, stressed out, and this situation will never ever go away.
@Mightycod ….welcome to the forum, I’m glad you’ve reached out. I can only say from my own personal experience that when I was going through the worst time of my life in a situation where my husband was having numerous issues and things looked very black with no light at the end of the tunnel this forum was a godsend. Others on here will be able to relate to what you’re going through and give support. It’s good to say how you feel and not bottle it up.
hi @Mightycod , I know where you are coming from. I am still having the same trouble with my own mum and the mental health team to get help and support. I have found out because my mum is not of a certain age she is stuck with adult service mental health than the OAP mental health where there more support. Daft I know. The only thing I can suggest is remind them that they ‘have a duty of care’ which they hate hearing. But tell them that it is affecting your health and your daus health and if they can’t give her the support she needs then ‘refuse’ to have her home. I know it sound bad but sometimes you got to dig your heels in. If your wife does daft at home and the mental health team does not come out or do anything ring 999 and tell them, they will come out and might section her. Really tell the home care team what is really going on and you are afraid that not only she might hurt herself but say your afraid for your own life and your daus and anyone else if your wife does not have the help and treatment she needs. If they keep telling her that hospital is not good for her put as many complaints into the health board you can and even if needs be go to the paper . Ask your local MP and councilior for help. hope things get better for you. you are always welcome to reach out to me if you want. I have been fighting mental health for years and got a good idea around the system.
Thank you for your reply. It does help, getting it all down in writing, and I’ve already seen a couple if previous posts from people who have been in eerily similar situations.
Thank you for replying. The main issue I have with the services, and I really don’t think it is always about the funding, is that there is no single NHS as people often think of it. It is really just a pot of money and a framework of regulations and procedures, with local trusts buying in services as they need, from a mix of NHS facilities and private ones. The problem is that none of them talk to one another, there’s nothing tying it all together. The times I’ve heard, “you need to speak to them”, “they told you to do what?”, “we wouldn’t have prescribed that”, or, “we’ve not been sent that request from (x)”. You just get passed around and you have to do the running around, to get sent back to the first person you spoke to! I’ve seen it recently with people who have relatives with cancer: “What did they tell you to do?”, “we can’t help you - we’re medical and you need to speak to palliative” (when palliative sent them to ‘medical’), and, “they think it’s what? We don’t agree with that department”. It’s absolutely insane! I told the home team that the other week - she’s asking to go in the hospital and you’re saying ‘no’, but you’ll section ones who don’t want to be admitted! I told them I would question who’s really insane here! 
. That went down like a lead balloon!
Hi my husband was s3ctioned last year so I know where you are coming from. We also have 2 teens. It’s very difficult to know what to do for the best. I know what you mean about services not talking to each other. We had a meeting last week with the cmht where they looked back at what happened last year and my husbands meds and said ‘ oh you should have been referred to the early intervention team last year but now as its been going on for a year its no longer ‘ early intervention! Everyone seems really dedicated but just absolutely no joined up thinking and such wastes of time. To be honest we just muddled through that. I felt better that my husbands was in hospital as I couldn’t deal with him at home. Im.afraid I’ve disengaged after a year and I do see myself as a carer. It’s helped me deal with it weirdly. I also work and from home and am determined not to give that up. Not just because Im the only one bringing in the money at the moment but I need to be someone else too. I dont know what the answer is really. Im trying to keep the kids in their routine, making sure I chat to them and they have fun times but also keep some time aside for you to do something you enjoy.
Hi, thanks for replying. Even after only an hour on here, I can see that I’m not alone. I actually feel a bit guilty now that I’ve read some of the posts others have put up - in way more challenging situations than mine. You’re right about giving the kids some normality - that’s what I’ve been trying to do. She’s an only child but she’s got some good friends and she goes to Guides and has guitar lessons, so keeping all of that going.
@Mightycod, you are right about here no ‘communcation’ between the service . I know our GP is getting sick that they pass mum straight over to them without look or at least visit her. The thing over the bed and that is plain stupid and I had a snooty answer from some civil penpusher who does not know about the real world when I contacted the mental health care minster. I did say in one meet with the mental health team Social Workers you are more intrested in having beds free than let the people that are in them be treated. that went down like a lead balloon too. Apart from mental health issues mum has physical issues which do cause issues and some times it a 999 job. Like this time about 2 weeks ago. We thought mum was having a TIA/mini stroke so is taken in but nothing found but get a call at 3am asking would I collect her or would I be happy for her to stay due to a messy house. I turned around and said, no one wanted her when she had a mental health melt down but she comes in with a TIA/mini stroke and you rather keep her in because of a messy house. you must be having a laugh. I brought mum home but her SW is trying to push for a one off clearance tidy up thing and we turned it down as we done it before and only causes troubles.
Yep, nothing joined up at all! There are some really good people in the NHS but there are some massive holes in the processes and inconsistencies with how they treat different conditions. It sounds like you’ve heard it all before.
Welcome to the forum.
I was once supporting four elderly parents and a brain damaged son, all entitled to highest disability benefits, at the same time. It was awful.
When my children were small I studied for an Honours degree in Business Studies, part time on a special mature students course, so know the pressure that brings too, and sadly would suggest you postpone this, for the sake of your own mental health. We all have a breaking point, you sound perilously close to yours.
If you don’t want visitors, tell them they can’t come. No point in adding extra pressure on yourself.
Usually a very strong resilient person, suddenly widowed and newly disabled, I was at breaking point. I had counselling to help me. My counsellor helped me set my priorities. My disabled mum had carers but saved jobs for me, she had to take second place as my disabled son couldn’t speak up for himself, mum could.
Make a list of everything you are doing or worried about, then shuffle it into priority.
Would a domestic help take pressure off?
Is your daughter helping in the house?
Is her Guide leader aware of your situation? She might have ideas that might help your daughter?
I don’t know anything about PTSD I’m afraid.
Don’t feel guilty. I’ve started to have a bit of imposter syndrome reading other people’s stories as my husband is home and is able to get out of bed and do tasks but then I know that’s largely because before he wasn’t taking his meds properly and I still check his blister pack and have to remind him to fill it and pull him up if he doesn’t. Hes also not working, which was the stressor so the financial pressure is still there as well as the emotional one of the person you married not being there anymore. I think wealth get used to our new ‘ normal’ and others hear what’s happening and think its terrible. It is awful having a young spouse in hospital and dealing with kids at the same time.
Welcome from me. It is very hard isn’t it? We have all the ‘bad things’ about being married but none of the good ones such as companionship. For the record, I do not think you are selfish not knowing if you want to continue in the relationship- I wish I had not had my husband back after the heamatoma in 2013, therefore ‘sleepwalking into being his carer’. He is much older so I honestly thought it would not be for this long. I had him back partially due to compassion but it has been a big mistake for MY mental health. I know time is short so I guess counselling is not a viable option? It sounds as if you need a ‘safe place ‘ to discuss YOUR feelings.
My issues frankly is my husband is deemed to have ‘mental capacity’ . Yet it is left to ME to try and keep him safe. We do not go out much but when we do, he does not stop at the traffic lights and several times has walked across without even looking causing cars to swerve and stop suddenly. I cannot ‘hold him back’ as I am very slight. I would love to get involved in the Parish Council as we are fighting to save the Recreation ground but it is a nightmare as he insists on coming with me. I do actually have witnesses now with regard to how dangerous he is becoming crossing the road. I have no interest in interacting with Adult Social Carer as what could they do? I personally think he needs sectioning to keep him safe but they would say that this is ‘deprvision of liberty’. Yet if he causes an accident I guess I will be blamed. I have written to his GP about his lack of road sense. The Memory Clinic turned the referal down even though it was a physio who used to work in a Memory Clinic who instigated it. I feel a prisoner in my own home only able to go out locally for short periods in case he tries to cook and leaves the ring on and/or lets the butter/oil burn when he tries to fry steak which he eats out of the pan. I have tried the obvious things but he will NOT eat at set times. I honestly do not think any help will be given until a tragedy happens and I seriously hope it is only he involved not anyone else. Oh his drinking has now gone up again to 1.5 litres of vodka a week. At his worst in 2013 he was on a litre a day but now he is on blood thinners he cut right down but it is creeping up. Yes I do buy it for him as he is a nightmare on line buying 50 pens and 144 stock cubes. So if I do not add bottles to the online shop or go to the Co-op when he runs out he is likely to order 10 online or something stupid.
I think many Carers are let down by the system. We do not have to care legally. No one can make us.
Hi, thanks for your comment and I can really sense your frustration. We had a similar issue when we were trying to get my wife hospitalised - local mental health visitors came out and denied her admission, saying it was for people who lacked capacity and/or were a danger to themselves or others. One day, they arrived at the same time I was just returning from the shop. I’d been out for 20 minutes to get some treatment for the cat from the vet. When I wasn’t in the room, they’d asked my wife where I’d gone and why wasn’t I at home with her! The logic appeared to be that she has capacity so couldn’t be referred to hospital, yet didn’t have the capacity to be left unattended for 20 minutes in case she self-harmed or took an overdose… 
Riiiiiiiiiight. On which planet does that make any sense? The day she went to A&E they had been over earlier and pretty much set the scene that they only way she would get admitted was to do do ‘something’. Even I took that as what they were getting at and I was the sane one (well, relatively, lol!). And so, that’s what she ended up doing!
@Mightycod, that is a wrong, even if you had go to the bathroom , your wife could have done something. By the sound of it they are reading to much of the text books and belive that they are gospial when they are not. They tried that on with us until I pulled out our own record on mum as we keep notes, diary and reports to help us when explaining what is wrong with her. We pointed out on more than one occassion mum has done something silly and even put down what was the outcomes etc to build a case when arggueing the point with them. Yes I have heard nearly everything to try and keep me quite but luckliy mum has thrown some curve ball in the way she acting.when ill to prove the text book and them wrong.
@Mightycod But if ‘they’ feel that she should not be left alone for 20 minutes, surely ‘they’ have a ‘duty of care’ as she is a ‘vulnerable adult’. I guess we both know what SHOULD happen often is what does not happen, maybe due to lack of beds and funding? But surely WE have the right to a life too? I feel at times I am at risk of drifting into clinical depression and only way I stay saneish is by getting out and seeing friends. The Book Club I chair celebrated its 10th Birthday in February. Yet he insists on coming and is very disruptive. TBH they all raise their eyes to the ceiling and think ‘Senile Toddler kicking off again’. Thankfully most are friends and several very close friends. He wont do his teeth or have the rotten teeth pulled out and his breath reeks. I have to prompt to get him to change his incontinence pad.
Actually I find it easier now I see myself as a ‘full time carer’ rather than a ‘wife’ and I see it purely as the only way I can keep my home. I prompt but wont go the extra mile as in chasing him round the house to put the eye drops in. I WILL NOT put his Hearing Aids in for him. I am working hard on disengaging but still try to keep him safe and clean.
It is harder for you as your daughter is still young and needs her mother or female contact? Does she have any Aunties or other women who could offer this? It is very lonely and isolating. I have my beloved feline family and they help. I am trying to make more local friends as had to give up showing my beloved Norwegian Forest cats so am losing contact with my show friends. Sadly same happened with Rotary as husband made little effort to ‘fit in’. I totally loved it.
I can only echo Micheal’s suggestion and say keep a diary and detailed notes when your wife comes home and then stress she is a ‘danger to herself’ if you feel this is the case. My husband is still much stronger than me and although I do not think I am in physical danger as such, I am always ‘walking on eggshells’ because he is more than capable of smashing my phone or computer - he would say that no one would believe me as it would be ‘my word against his’.
Yes it does seem as if if someone is physically there they will put all the burden on you, so its up to you to do everything, even the chasing up. It’s so hard to find yourself in a position you haven’t a clue about and then be expected to deal with it and all the admin and accessing help etc. It seems like a system designed to be as convoluted as possible!
@Alison_1970 you must be a saint to put up with E! What a nightmare and he must be costing a fortune in alcohol too.
Yes, I was having none of that. They can’t have it both ways. The other thing is we’re not set up at home to keep her safe - medicines and potential self-harming implements everywhere - impossible to make it completely safe. Whilst she’s in this phase, she needed to be in hospital.
It sounds like you have a real challenge on your hands. I’m pleased to read that you can take some comfort in things and pets certainly do help! We have the one cat, she’s just a domestic moggy but she’s got her own little character and is nice company. She has been great for my wife, who would never have entertained having a cat at one time, but is now the cat’s favourite person. She never leaves my wife alone when she’s here.
My daughter does have a few friends and is in regular contact with her older cousin, but she lives 70 miles away. She is in touch with her mum every few hours and, luckily, she is well enough to respond most of the time. Her illness is sporadic but unpredictable. She can function a lot of the time but it flares up and causes her to do “anything” to stop it.
@Mightycod, I know what you mean trying to keep the person safe in the house is so hard as you got to think as if you got a adult child around the age of a normal kid that starts to explore things. Despite putting what you know are dangerous aways, you got to watch that you don’t get people saying that you are breaking or going against certain stupid policy’s and laws trying to keep the person in you care safe espcially with this illness which can be unpredictable to know what to do for the best. I found that out because I got one of those sound pressure mats that beeps when someone walks on it but also keeping the door lock to stop mum going wondering which she does when she ill. The police are happy with the things in place to try and protect everyone but mental health say oh you can’t do that as it goes agasint DOLS one of the stupid policy that about and you just want to give them the two fingers and get on if they not going to do anything.
@Michael_1910123 I totally agree. But whilst I think a mat is a good idea to keep your mother safe, it means YOU are on duty 24/7? This is why I wont have cameras when I am out even if I could work out how to fit them as I would be constantly ‘on edge’. Suggestions have been made on another Forum re locking his medicine away and supervising the Ventolin. But if I did this, he would have me up and down stairs all night when he wanted the inhaler. He has ‘mental capacity’. Also he can get aggressive so I have to balance MY safety. I honestly do not know what to do about the ‘walking into traffic’ as I could not link arms with him as would be risking him pushing me over if I tried to hold him back. I think SO much now is centered on the Caree not people like you and I and @Mightycod . THEIR wishes seem to take precedence and then it is left to us to try to keep them safe. I think it is worth trying to get one’s head round terms such as ‘Vulnerable Adult’ and ‘Duty of Care’. I honestly do not know how I would feel if E caused an accident but at the end of the day I wrote to his GP expressing concern re his Road Sense. I guess one answer is for me NOT to go to the PC meetings but why on earth should I become a prisoner due to HIS issues?
@Mightycod I do not know if it would help but if you have a local Support for Carers it may be worth making contact? You may find that they have a Telephone Befriender service. I have used it for 10 years and have had several. They usually phone once a week and often have been Carers themselves. They do vary but can often offer emotional support and be a ‘safe’ place to chat. Some may be aware of local support? I love all cats and adored my late Isabella who was a rescue and a total Diva. The cats give me a huge amount of happiness. I am glad that your daughter has her cousin even though she is not local - she sounds a huge credit to you and I sense you have worked very hard to keep her life stable? I am glad that your workplace has been understanding.
The whole system needs reviewing and I think more Carers are waking up to the fact that they do not HAVE to care. I would literally BEG any friend thinking of giving up their job to care for a family member to re think. I also get so angry about ‘virtual wards’ because it is making the family carer a virtual prisoner. Sadly the guy I know and could have talked to did not get elected as my local MP although he has still suggested meeting for a Coffee to discuss. Unfortunately not easy for me to get out. He does have access to the Shadow Health Secretary though……