I found this website and read through some of the topics and honestly could do with some support too.
I met my partner 6 and a half years ago and I was made aware from the start about her chronic illness however it was manageable and she was living almost a normal life and over these years her health has declined rapidly from where she was to now shes like a diffenrent person.
I have always supported her and cared for her however my responsibilities has grown to too much now however by saying that I feel guilty already.
Its now gotten to the point its affecting me at work and my productivity my sleep and let alone my physical health as having to lift her and help move her has taken a toll on my back.
I guess I sort of feel how it would be like if I wasn’t in thia relationship and its envious and when I have friends and family members seeing whats going on they always say the same that im doing to much and I need to get my old life back.
I get irritated by little things and even more so when health professionals are giving advice or trying to help and she just doesnt do what they say when I also know its the only way for her to live a somewhat normal life by doing what they say I guess I feel like she is self sabotaging herself.
In all honesty I dont know what to do my life has changed completely over the last few years I dont go out I dont see friends the most I do is go to work but even then I dont get away from the stress.
The dilemma im in is a love her however we both know this relationship is over its just a matter of time so why am I struggling to leave and give up on this relationship when I know ita not going anywhere.
Welcome to the forum. Your situation is difficult and so sad.
However you should NOT be lifting her. Too many carers have lifelong back problems! Does your partner realise how you are feeling?
What would help you split amicably?
Can she do all the domestic tasks needed to run a home?
Is your home owned or rented?
@Carerthatkeepsgiving …hi, welcome to the forum. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. Reading your post I can so relate to what you’re going through. I’ve been in the same situation and know how bleak it is. All I can say is that this forum was of immense help and support to me and I’m sure you will find it is too. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to as are the others.
Thankyou so much ive not ever been given any support as no one understands what i do or why I do it i just get on with it however I dont know if can do it anymore i think it would be easier if we didn’t have children together but is thay the wromg reason to stay.
It’s so difficult to know what to do isn’t it. In the end my husband and I had a row and he contacted social services who moved him into a care home. I wasn’t at the stage where I could have left him as he wouldn’t have been able to cope alone so it worked out for the best in the end. We also have a daughter who’s now 25 so I get it re not knowing whether it’s best to stay or go. I think caring creeps up on you as it wasn’t until one of the many call outs a paramedic asked me if we had carers. Until that time I’d just got on with it as well.
Can I ask what your partner is suffering from.It is so wrong that she is ignoring potential damage from expecting you to lift her. Do not stay because she can’t cook and manage the house. Carers can fill that gap.
Do either of you work?
Have you thought about contacting Relate?
It is always sad when a couple fall out of love, but I once met a couple about to have their 50th anniversary but they absolutely hated each other, couldn’t stand each other. I was newly wed at the time. I told my husband that if we fell out, we should end it. These two had denied themselves happiness with someone else because of the shame divorce would bring (they would have married in the 1920’s when attitudes were very different. On the other hand we met when I was 16, he was 20. We had 34 happy years despite everything life threw at us, until he died suddenly in 2006.
Thankyou Sue i know the feeling it creeps up on you time and time again and sometimes I feel guilty for being emotionless in moments or non talkative but I guess thats because Im tired
So she is suffering with Chrohns disease and juvenile athirits and obviosuly rhe frequent falls etc and ended up with a total colectomy surgery. I work through the weeks as much as i can to provide and also i feel bad for saying it but to escape the home situation then when im home im full time carer. What is Relate?
Relate is the new name for what used to be called Marriage Guidance. I believe you can go alone. Alternatively, ask your GP to refer you to counselling to discuss where you go from here.
Do you ever go out, do things together, go on holiday?
Or is your partner virtually housebound?
Is she claiming all the benefits she is entitled to?
We aren’t married does that matter? Regarding holidays etc we barely go out and we could definitely go on a holiday just haven’t as everything is just too hard. Yes she claims for what shes entitled too.
@Carerthatkeepsgiving Years ago I did vol work for Relate and no you definitely do NOT have to be married to contact them. They had some fantastic counsellors and the training was not for the faint hearted. However I would imagine there is a waiting list so please see if there is a local branch. I do know that part of what they did is support people to part amicably. This was mid eighties and I was only an Admin but we had a veyr pro active manager so I went on a few courses for counsellors to get an idea of how things work. It does sound as if you are starting to feel ready to move on with compassion and love.
Hi @Carerthatkeepsgiving i just wanted to answer you as well as your post really resonated with me. Im in a very similar situation. Ive been with my partner about 14 years and his problems began after we got together and have worsened over the years.
He doesnt have the physical limitations your partner does but mentally he is not able to work and does have physical problema that affect his ability to work. Whilst i love him, im not IN love with him any more and its hard both to keep going and to finally say thats its in terms of the relationship.
If your partner is having that much difficulty moving around, have you had a mobility assessment and/or mobility aids installed around the house? You shouldn’t be physically moving them yourself on a regular basis without appropriate training or assistance. If partner is not able to work, and your current residence is not disability friendly, would it be possible to get an exchange through the council to something better suited to your current needs.
I totally understand about using work as an escape - i have and do the same thing myself. My work is my sanctuary and though its hard physically and mentally (i work full time in a public facing role) i wouldnt change it for the world. It really helps me to be able to keep going.
This is a great place to find supportand just be able to vent
@BeccaP thankyou for your response i really appreciate it. Im sorry to hear how close our situations are to one another its tough.
We are waiting on the hosuing list for an acceaible property but nothing is about apparently so we are stuck here and we have all the aids except from a lifting hoist.
With work it feels like its my rest even though in the same boat as yourself minus the public facing role my jobs very demanding also and yet I seem to be rested more at work.
Would you mind me asking you some questions at somepoint?
@Carerthatkeepsgiving its good that you are on the list for an accessible property - i know they are in high demand though. Its also good that you have some aids in place. I am concerned that you will injure yourself moving partner alone though. I think you can get free - standing hoists, would you be able to get a grant for something like that? I think it would make a huge difference to you.
I think many carers get deep into a relationship and dont realise how bad things have gotten for a while so there are a lot of us in similar situations and unsure what to do for the best.
Of course you can ask me questions, publicly or privately and ill do my best to answer them