Don't want to face this battle anymore

Carers' health and wellbeing
1

Hi. So again I am writing in this just feeling absolutely depressed at my situation. I am getting fed up of the lack of help currently. I feel lost and I am so depressed, nothing is making me happy anymore. In fact I am scared, alone and depressed. Therapy is not working. Nothing is working. I know what I want, and I know it’s possible, but the whole damn world is impossible now.

So I’m now finally in my own shared place. I hate it so much. The room is dead silent, I hear nothing of the world around me. The silence is deafening. It’s also very dark. I just hate it. But it’s all I have. I spent the whole night last night throwing up even though I hadn’t eaten, I knew it would make it worse.

This morning coming to work, the stupid door at my workplace jammed as it does every morning.
I eventually got inside and just fell to my knees sobbing. No one else was in at that time. I knew at that point I should ring mums social worker, but when I called she was busy surprise surprise.

Yesterday I found out about my mums position on the list for supported housing. So she isn’t actually on the list yet because more assessments need to be done including a financial and landlord check. However before those they have to contact the council and apply that way again even though she only got put on the list before Christmas. Why they have to do it again I don’t know. As for the financial assessment why can’t they just use the one they did when they checked for her care package. Apparently this could take another month.

That brings me on to the care package, it has still not been signed off.

I don’t understand what the problem is with these people.

I just know I can’t carry on. I hate my life right now and I see no way forward. I’m depressed and nothing is working, I am alone but no one is listening. Family are non existent and evil nasty people. Friends I have none. My partner is far from me now. Money is tight.

I feel so ashamed really. I feel horrible that all I can afford is a horrible bedroom in a house share even then it’s a stretch. I work full time, but it’s only minimum wage. I have asked my boss for a pay rise but he won’t. I just hate everything.

On top of it all, my relationship has failed. All the tensions of all this have broken my relationship down. I am too weak to continue. I’m not sure I want to carry on.

2

Cookcar98
This is difficult for me to say and meant in a caring concerned way.
Please go to your own GP and explain how you feel. Tell everything. Dr may suggest you go into a unit for people who are feeling suicidal. You should get support then, nothing to be ashamed of. Absolutely nothing. This may sound drastic and other members may not agree with me.

3

I want my partner back. I love him so much. But he only said he will think about staying with me. I’m already so broken. I don’t want to go into hospital, I want to be with him.

I hate everything, and I hate how people say caring is noble. It’s only destroyed me. Me and my partner have been together a while and it’s taken this to destroy us. I am pleading and pleading with him, but I know it’s a no go. I’m too damaged.

Last time I went into accommodation during uni, I survived a few days. I tried to harm myself then, now it’s been less than 24 hours.

4

Oh dear.
No one wants to go to hospital. But if you could try to see you will get help. Your boyfriend will see you are trying to help yourself. I know you miss him, but at the moment you are the important one

5

I’m sat at work sobbing my heart out. I don’t see a way forward.

6

Surely your colleagues can see your distress? Go to your HR department

7

I’ve gone into a room on my own. They know I went I usually go into that room to make phone calls

8

That’s ok if you have gone to compose yourself. Don’t stay too long on your own. There must be someone in HR you can go to?

9

We don’t have an HR department. My mum has also destroyed my sisters relationship too.

10

No HR department? No nurse?

11

Not at work no
I’m so scared

12

Have to echo what Pet says. We do care about you here so please please seek help. Call your GP - say you need an emergency app TODAY. Please do not hold back from telling your GP your feelings of desperation. There is help available but sadly it is such a fight to access it. Call the Samaritans please - they will listen. Hugs from me - your desperation and sadness come through so strongly but all we can do is beg you to seek help.

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13

I’m on the phone to the services waiting to be put through to the crisis pad.

I don’t know what is going to happen with my partner, he’s still saying he will think about it. Though he has said he loves me.

Work are concerned about me too. The question is how many people have to be concerned to get my mum the help she needs

14

I think my relationship is over. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m completely gone. My life is over. He is all I had left. I’m nothing but a shell now.

15

You need to put aside your worries about your partner for now. If you are meant to be together in future, you will be.
I fell in love with someone who was already committed to driving a Land Rover to Australia with some friends. He was gone for 18 months, in the days when phoning each other was out of the question as it was so expensive, so we wrote to each other. He worked out there for a while, and saved enough for the deposit for our first house. We were engaged in 6 weeks, bought a house 5 months later, married soon after, and had 34 happy years together.
For now, concentrate on getting better, mentally. Buy the book I’ve recommended before, Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff. It will really help you. Have you wondered how he feels about taking on you and your mum as things stand, when he is having problems with HIS mum? Sort yourself out first, have some counselling and start liking yourself more - the book will explain all this. It’s an easy read.
Maybe think about spending this year sorting everything out for a brighter 2024.
Maybe moving out of the area so you are too far away from mum for her to keep pulling your strings?
Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness.

2 Likes
16

Thanks.

It’s like grieving without him. He says I have broke his trust but I am confused. I get why he is hurt I really do, I feel bad for what I did. I just know it was the truth and I know he should have supported me.

Things went too far. Expecially since my cousins were bullying me over the care of my mum at the weekend, they were bullying me and my sister as I was trying to move. I was getting called an effing disgrace, worthless an unfit daughter. That sort of thing and they really cut down to the bone.

I’m also having some issues at work, and anger issues. Little things are getting to me. The work issues are that the boss doesn’t invest in our building and there are all sorts of problems.

I also moved yesterday and spent the night throwing up and crying. I hate the room.

So this morning, I was tired, feeling queexy, but I didn’t want to be in my room all day so I went to work. The door wouldn’t open properly with the key, when it did I walked inside and just fell to the ground sobbing. No one was in the room at the time.

I then said to my partner via message I don’t want to be here anymore, and he took that badly. I know he has every right too. It’s kind of true, but as I have said many times before I have no means of acting upon it. I can’t anyway. My poor siblings would get an even harder time, I have to be strong for them. Ones partially sighted the other young so they would face a hard time.

Me and my partner argued and well he said he would think about the relationship continuing. He would let me know on Sunday.

I eventually got so sick that I had to tell my boss that I couldn’t stay at work. I called up mums social worker and told her off, I told her look what this has done.

I did what I didn’t want to do and came back to the room where I have sobbed all afternoon. I have no will left. My partner won’t budge on making that decision.

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I know he too is struggling with ilness within his family combined with a move which has probably sent him over the edge.

But I am so angry and hurt, I love him so much. He says he loves me too, but he needs to think.

I just keep thinking if that damn door did was it was supposed to do then I wouldn’t be in this position facing heartbreak

18

Please give your partner some space to think things through. He said Sunday so at least leave contact until then. I know it’s not easy but he really sounds like he needs space.
I 2nd what Bowlingbun is saying I you are meant to be together you will.
My late husband was in the armed forces when we met. Many times we couldn’t be together. Made the love stronger.
You really need to focus on yourself at the moment

1 Like
19

I just wish I would know if he will come back or not

20

Sadly it’s a waiting game. If you love him enough, allowing him space to sort out his mind and head isn’t such a big ask