Hi, I am caring for my husband who has MND and we have 4 children age between 2-16.
I am struggling to cope with the rollercoaster of his mood swings and am feeling guilty as the children are suffering.
I can manage the physical aspect of caring ( he cant use his arms, is on a NIV and PEG fed) and when my husband is in a good mood he can be lovely but more often than not I am walking on eggshells.
Small things can spark an argument ( like the door not being locked or the kids leaving their shoes in the hall or spending too much at the supermarket. The worst faux pas being mentioning my stepson -in any capacity…it used to be just if I pulled him up about something, but now I can’t even mention his name without it sparking world war 3)
When my husband gets angry he calls me names, lashes out verbally and occasionally kicks out at me, has tried to stab me with a screw driver, breaks things or threatens to break things that I hold dear such as my piano or paintings I’ve been given or slit the dogs throat (he cant even if he wanted to)
Threatens me with divorce, saying he will tell people I abuse him and the children… he writes me texts saying I’m a liar and has asked me to respond admitting things I haven’t done , ( sometimes he is so convincing I have to think did I really do that?..you start questioning yourself after a while) has phoned his relatives and asked them to pick him p at 11 and 12 at night and taken his son with him…
these moods last for DAYS but he is nice to everyone else apart from me. If I walk into the room he says in front of the kids " just f off will you, get out, your an effin b@@@ etc, but when he wants something like a shower or a cup of tea ( he can still drink) hes nice until hes got it and then horrid again. If I try and talk to him he just repeats F off or starts shouting HELP HELP at the top of his voice so my step son comes down and then hell get him to phone someone or pretend to until I back off and leave the room. If I leave him alone he uses other people by being super nice to them and nasty to me to isolate me . Iv’e tried giving him a hug …“your abusing me”. I’ve tried leaving the house for hours ( knowing that the 16 year olds are in to look after him) …when I come back hes the same.
If I cry he says " stop that shit you always crying"
When he is angry I don’t recognise him… the look in his eyes is of utter hatred. If I get annoyed back at him or state my case he demenes me or tell my 2 year old “mummys a pschyo”
He was an army sergeant major and has to be in control of everything and I know that MND robs you of everything…it an awful disease,
I KNOW Its those closest person that get it in the neck and I KNOW he frustrated not being able to breathe properly, eat, very rarely goes out now and cant do anything for himself really…confined to a chair watching TV…it must be awful and I understand he has to vent his frustration somewhere but I find it so hard to deal with being treated like this.
One of his brothers who helps us out a lot knows what goes on behind the scenes and I have confided in my family and a few close friends but I am not sure how much is the illness and how much I should expect to put up with.
The last 2 years have been awful. I want it to get better but its just getting worse.
I have been to my GP in tears - who called social services ( I managed to fob them off by telling them it was just my husbands frustration with his illness)
I do have a support network - three-monthly meetings at the school for my girls, but my stepson doesn’t because my husband disagrees with it. My husband gets angry about those meetings so I dread them, never knowing whether to tell him Im going, choing the right moment to say something.
The 2 year old is in daycare 2 mornings a week which I have to myself ,but often spend cleaning the house.
when its been really bad I’ve tried ringing the domestic abuse help line but no one picked up. Ive called samaritans and cried. Ive called the MND volunteer lady in my region and cried. Iv’e been to see a counsellor and poured out my troubles… which helped and bit but my husband got angry about me going to that.
sex is an issue…he will be nice to me for a few days and then as soon as we do anything he immediately switches back to being nasty,… saying he should pay someone to come to the house she would cost a lot less than keeping me and my lying daughters, etc etc ( that is so cruel and hurtful…I don’t believe it is a clear thinking person…I would never have married a man that treated e like that or any woman like that)
I don’t have any support from most his of family as my husbands last wife of 15 years died of cancer in 2014 and has been put on a pedestal and as a new-comer on the scene and as my husband has painted such a bad picture of me to them they think its me thats the issue. ( Although I think they are beginning to see whats going on as is my stepson but no one will stand up to my hubby)
I love my husband dearly. He WAS/ IS an amazing man and some of the time this shines through but I am having trouble dealing with this and don’t know who to turn to … how much is the illness … I can’t ask for him to be assessed…he has to and he doesnt believe its the MND thats causing it… apparently its me! ( we have all heard that one before)
Anyone… how do you deal with the anger? Who can I turn to that wont get social services involved?