Hi My husband is being seen by the cmht tomorrow. I am accompanying him. The last time he went was after he was released from a section last year. He told them he was fine and didn’t need any help so they discharged him! Predictably as nothing was dealt with here we are again. Im attending the meeting this time. Im not sure how much involvement I can have as a carer, what I can expect from the team and what to ask for. Any advice as to how to deal with it?
1 Like
I have never had CMHT involved but you could write a list of things that your husband struggles with or that you are concerned about and pass it discreetly over ideally before the meeting starts? I think there is a huge temptation that if the person says he/she is fine they will get discharged, despite the reality. My mother apparently told the Social Worker from the Safeguarding Team that she was fine despite her neighbour having to step in, and she was actually diagnosed with Vascular Dementia a few weeks later and from my phone conversations with her was definitely NOT fine.
Good Luck please let us know how it goes. If you possibly can, get a contact number, email and names of anyone involved so you can ‘follow up’ if necessary.
1 Like
@SweetBriar73, just be careful with the CMHT they can throw cruve balls if you are not prepared for them. I have a regular fight with them over mum health. Remind them of the care act and duty of care act and don;t let them BS. as they will. good luck.
1 Like
@selinakylie that’s a good idea about the list. Sometimes Ibthink everything is getting better but then I know it can easily go downhill so I will list everything Im concerned about. I’ll let you know what happens
@Michael_1910123 oh what do you mean by curveballs just so Im prepared. I’ll write down care act to remind me too.
When all this started last year I naively assumed they would just put him 9n a pathway and not just discharge someone who had been sectioned just on their say so, but I suppose if an adult has capacity and they refuse treatment then they just move onto the next person.
1 Like
@SweetBriar73 what I mean by curveballs, is some of them try to confuse you with a simple question by confusing the point, so you can;t get your point across. Also watch out for them try and make you feel like it your fault when it not. best way to describe it is like a job interview crossed with the game of chess. you got to think so many step ahead of them.
1 Like
Eek thanks for the warning. I’ll go in prepared and try notebook let them bamboozle me. You’d think they would try and be more helpful. Surely it would be cheaper to just put support in place the first time round?
2 Likes
Some CMHT are helpful and some are not as most of them are social workers that have come from social services and got no Idea about mental health. The only one that understand and hope are in the meeting is CPN are they got more of a ideal than a social worker. They should have put it in 1st time round but as normal people are falling into the cracks of the system. I had a fight to get mum help she need since they mess around with her meds 3 months ago and now ended up in A&E because the mental health has affect the physical health. They will make empty promises to bluff you that they are helping but when the muck hits the fan or you need them. they disapper faster than a roadrunner.
2 Likes
@Michael_1910123 Probably a silly question but do you think having a witness would help? Also if I were in the position of attending a ‘Best interests meeting’ with regard to E, I would be VERY tempted to look into taking a solicitor - I know that the cost might not make this an option. It sounds dreadful how the system is stacked against Carers? I have not approached Adult Social Care partially due to your posts and those of others as it seems that their aim is to bully is to continue caring even if OUR mental and physical health is broken? It makes me so very angry.
2 Likes
@selinakylie is there a friend who would come in that circumstance or someone 9n your side, even if just to take notes? You probably wouldn’t need to pay for a solicitor
@Michael_1910123 @selinakylie Also thanks both of you for your help. The cmht seemed really good. Although he couldn’t work out what had happened at various stages- as expected H should have been referred to an early intervention team but wasn’t, so none of that plan was put in place at the time and as its a year ago its not early intervention anymore! I went in with my list of questions and things I wanted to say and said all of them. I clarified that we would get a care treatment plan posted out to us and clarified who would be responsible for referring him to talking/ other therapies. We have another appointment in 3 weeks which I think is a carers assessment but it doesn’t say really.
2 Likes
@SweetBriar73 I am so glad you have the chance to put YOUR points over. I hope that the next appointment goes as well. If it is a Carers Assessment you need to do some research? Maybe write down the issues you are having difficulty with in relation to caring? If you have a local ‘Support for Carers’ might be worth making contact?
TBH I have no contact with Adult Social Care as have huge reservations about them from some of the posts here. At the moment, I can manage my husband’s needs , even if it is becoming very detrimental to my mental and physical health. I see no point in going down the Carers coming in route. I personally feel he is heading towards the 24/7 care need and this to me would mean a home although I accept I would have a dreadful fight on my hands. Yes, I could well take a friend but I do like the idea of having someone ‘official’ who could back me up legally on the point of ‘no one can be MADE to care, not even a spouse’. A lot of Social Workers do not seem aware of this.
1 Like
Thanks yes I might do that. I will do a bit of research and try and find out what it entails and what I can ask for.
That sounds so hard re your husband to deal with on your own. But it will probably be better if you can get him into a home. Sounds like he’ll make their lives hell in there but at least they can walk away and aren’t emotional punchbag.
Agree there is so much pressure on spouses ‘ in sickness and in health’ business to care for someone even when you are the one making all the effort and they are doing nothing.
1 Like
@SweetBriar73 I have been married for 35 years. However I no longer love or even like my husband as he is a vicious bully and the medical non compliance has nearly broken me with regard to the challenges of keeping him safe. But for me, it is now purely a business relationship. I cannot afford to divorce him and lose my home and cats. So I try my best to see myself as a ‘professional’ carer’ rather than a ‘wife’ albeit one that is on call 24/7. I have to dig REALLY deep to find compassion now. He thinks ‘wives should not go out without husbands’ and my friends apart from one REALLY dislike him. He has no friends of his own. Yes I should feel pity but his verbal abuse over many many years and ‘gaslighting’ has killed even that.
Hes lucky to have you. I think yes once it gets to that stage then you are a ‘carer’. I felt better and am actually calmer and less likely to get upset now I see myself as one. Marriage is supposed to be partnership, but the person I married has disappeared and replaced by some bloke who lives in my house. Hes not violent or abusive thankfully but the constant misery and lying round the house has at least stopped being as frustrating because I just do my own thing. I see going to the care meetings, driving him to things and telling him to take his meds as a job now rather than something I shouldn’t have to do as a partner if that makes sense!
1 Like
@SweetBriar73 It totally makes sense and you are right to start ‘carving out’ a life of your own. My issue is my husband feels very threatened by me having (female) friends. He only managed to ‘control’ me so long by isolating me. He can become very difficult when I get home although I do tend to stay local and go out for short periods as remain frightened of him trying to cook. I also put the cats upstairs now as he has threatened to ‘chase them down into the Street’. They are all indoor cats with no road sense. I have to say if he did this I would either be dead or in prison as if he EVER hurt one of the cats I would NOT be responsible for my actions. I realise he is a very frightened lonely bitter old man but no longer feel we have anything other than a ‘business relationship’. He does not want to go into a home and I cannot afford to buy him out so I will do my best to keep him safe and clean and ‘healthy’ with regard to prompting his medication. I no longer ‘go the extra mile’ though with regard to chasing him round the house to put his eye drops in. It is hard emotionally as I miss having someone to ‘share’ things with on a one to one basis but price I have to pay to keep my cats and home.
I feel it is really underestimated how difficult it is to be a partner of someone with mental health issues. We seem to be punished as everything seems to ‘centre’ round the other person we are trying to keep safe.
1 Like