Verbally abusive - can anyone relate?

Hi, I’m Catherine, I’m in my early thirties and I get verbally abused on a daily basis. I’m new to this forum. Been with my partner 11 years and for the least at least 5 he’s got increasingly verbally abusive, to the point that he says I’m soulless, a vacuous nothing, I suck the life out of everything, not even a human being anymore, a cancerous tumour and I should throw myself off a bridge and die.

It sounds pretty extreme, I know. He’s also got PTSD, ADHD and a million other health conditions and I’m supposedly his carer but actually our relationship is more like angry parent (him) and irresponsible teenager (me). He is not wrong that I have taken his life and health for granted to such an extent at crucial points (lying about what I wanted to do then pulling the rug from under him at the time of impact) and for so long that his situation is horrendous. We are in his narcissistic mum’s house for the fifth year in a row, his whole family has collapsed and barely speaking, his dad’s just died overseas and we weren’t able to get over there to say goodbye - something that I was more responsible for than I want to admit to myself.

Anyway, you get the picture. He’s been very wronged and is suffering an unimaginable amount. But still. I hate his rages, I hate him shouting in my face that I’m a useless idiot every day. I hate that in the last year he’s become a bit physical sometimes and can’t control his complete rage - hitting me round the head with pillows, hoiking up phlegm and spitting it in my face, soaking me with water. He even cracked an egg over my head once and rubbed the contents of a bin into my hair and face.

I live a double life as nobody knows this is going on outside of him, his brother and mum. And it’s been like this (at least the verbal abuse) for years and years now. It’s probably hard to fathom from the above but we still have a strength to our relationship, he is incredibly insightful and intelligent (which makes particularly the specific and personal insults he spouts all the more crippling) and also very sweet and caring at heart, and I believe only has these rages as his reality, agency and identity has been so denied for so long by his family and me. So I am stuck feeling like I understand and deserve his anger but also I’m entirely angry myself and hating the rages and abuse!

We have to get to his dad’s funeral overseas in a few weeks’ time and I have to go with him. I find everything extremely hard and unbelievably draining. Can anyone relate?

Why stay with him. This is a horribly abusive relationship. Get out.

Hi Catherine,

Welcome to the forum.

Whatever his diagnosis, this is emotional and physical abuse and there is no excuse for it.

It sounds to me like your partner is managing to convince you that your actions cause him to behave as he is - that’s not true. He is responsible for his actions. Unfortunately he has learnt how to control others off his mother.

Do you really want to carry on living as you are?

Please look at the Women’s Aid website and consider getting help


Marriage is supposed to be about partnership, the two of you sticking together, whatever life throws at you.
It’s also about mutual respect, love, kindness, understanding.
We had some terrible things thrown at us, disabled child, disabled parents, illness, redundancies, but throughout it we worked together, discussed things, worked out how we could manage.

If he’s ill, that isn’t an excuse for his behaviour.

You sound to me like a victim, looking for excuses as to why your partner behaves so verbally abusive to you. Sadly it is typical of victims of domestic violence. Please stop blaming yourself. No one deserves this treatment. Unless he admits he needs help with this anger and cruelty then Im very concerned it will continue and possibly get worse.
Please check out the link Melly sent you and think of yourself. You deserve better than this as a human being and we all need some happiness in life. Happy memories to look back on, and some contentment to keep us sane whatever life throws at us.