Feeling so miserable. I have reserved a place in a care home for my husband from the beginning of April. I have been 24/7 full time carer for three years now.
He has gone slowly downhill to the point he can do nothing for himself now. I have been feeling very unwell for some weeks. Then, a friend told me that I am almost broken and when I do break (and, she said, you WILL) I should not expect to recover in a couple of days. Family and friends have been suggesting full time care for him for some time, but I chose to âla la laâ responding with I am fine we a managing fine. This wise friend said I should find somewhere I like, and he will accept whilst I am able to do it and that ensure he is as comfortable and settled as possible, else it was going to be me hospitalised and him in emergency care. I have not yet told my (4) children. They will, I know, say about time too. I donât want congratulations for what I am doing. I feel a failure and inadequate and ashamed that I can no longer continue to care for him. Dementia is a cruel disease.
@Counting
You definitely are NOT a failure. What you are doing for your husband is the best for both of you.
My lovely late husband suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues. He was in a nursing home because his consultant wouldnât allow me to care at home any more. I know understand the feeling of failure. Eventually I realised I hadnât failed him. My daughters and myself used to care manage the home. Any thing we felt needing sorting we insisted they did. You probably can do the same. Visit when you want then go home and rest. Dementia is definitely a very cruel thing. Possibly to family more than the sufferer. So please donât beat yourself up. Sounds like you have coped admirably and still are by realising more care is needed than you can do.
This eventually comes to all of us who care for someone 24/7/365 - especially when they have dementia and you find that you are losing that person in stages.
You are NOT a failure , NOT inadequate - your health and wellbeing matter too. Remind yourself that you are, and have been, a good person, a good wife and have no need to feel ashamed that you are now unable to continue caring. You are only human and not Superwoman.
The next few weeks and those first weeks after he takes up residence in the home will be difficult but weâll be here if you need us to offload on and will support you as best we can. I say this from the memory of how this forum supported me when I cared for my Mum with Alzheimerâs and how they were here for me after she went into the care home until her passing in 2012 - I was able to become her daughter again and enjoy the time we had left together without the stress and worry of being her carer.
My friend is 70 and her late husband was 80. He had a respiratory disease and was on oxygen and had the start of dementia.
Her house is tiny but she squeezed a bed in downstairs and cared for him but several times he had to go back in hospital.
Caring became impossible and she was advised that he would be better cared for in a home. He only lived a few more months.
My friend has now accepted that she did the right thing. She looks years younger, is bright and chirpy and enjoying life again.
Sounds like you family are all behind you.
Sadly, advanced dementia almost always ends in residential care.
Can I ask if anyone has talked to you about finances?
Has the GP arranged an NHS Continuing Healthcare Assessment? IF awarded it would give free care.
Donât forget to notify the council tax office when he goes into care.
However, you are utterly exhausted, please be really kind to yourself in the coming weeks.
If funds allow, treat yourself to a trip to the hairdresser, or a massage, or facial, knowing husband is safe.
It is lovely to have somewhere to rant and moan. I donât want to burden family or friends. Fortunately, funds are not an issue - although I would give it all away in a heart beat if I could have my husband back. I am feeling some relief, on a really sh***y day I think its OK i can do this its not forever or until i die which is where I was. He seems to understand that he is going to live in a home. He doesnâtâ, however, have a grip on time so asks âam I going Thursday?â and 'donât bother with that I am going away tomorrow. Tugs at my heartstrings every time.
My family and friends are all behind me. Problem is I am still beating myself up. I will get there but it is sooo hard.
We all understand here. My son was brain damaged at birth, 46 years ago. Friends donât understand. At one time we were also caring for all 4 elderly disable parents too.
Fees will be ÂŁ1,000 or more, so do be sure to claim what you are entitled to, without being means tested.
@Counting The worst thing is that little voice that nags at us and says everything we do is wrong, because weâve done something we had to do, but didnât want to do.
That little voice nagged at me over my mum, who had dementia and had reached the point where she couldnât live alone safely any more. I was in no position to take on the care (although social services did âsuggestâ it), as I was already caring for my wife and sons. Iâd been doing some caring for mum, but was pretty much at my limit, so taking her in was not an option - for lots of sound reasons.
But the little voice insisted it was right. So I gave it the name of a politician who âneverâ makes mistakes, or does anything wrong, and always knows what to do. Apparently. And did what I do for that politician.
Ignored it!
@Counting you have my sympathy and thoughts. I had to put my dad into care in 2019 because he wasnât being cared for at home. He thought he was going on a business trip, but he was so well looked after (with Alzheimerâs) for two years. I knew I had done the right thing. My mum went into care two weeks ago. She broke me and I was lucky enough to be able to offload to her GP who told her flat out she had to go into care, no more nonsense! She is adjusting well and I am having a rest and getting my own strength back. You are doing the right thing, I think you know that. Itâs so very hard though. If you are too weak to care then everyone loses. I send you strength and hugs. 
Please donât feel this way. Remember that it is his medical condition that means the care home is necessary. This is no reflection on you, it is just the reality of the medical condition.
Look after yourself so that you can enjoy your visits with him and spend time with your friends and family.
I am coming to terms with the situation. On Saturday morning he was really good making sense and able to move around a bit and I was thinking - he can stay home; we can muddle through; then later in the day he couldnât move or make sense and ended up on the floor. I couldnât get him up so had to call the emergency services who took him to hospital. Tests are ongoing. They canât see that he had a TIA, but I am sure that is what happened. I need to say at this point, we live in France. Each time I have had to call the emergency services they have arrived within 10 minutes, always three larger than life people, carrying all sorts of equipment. Sometimes, but not always, he is hospitalised This latest episode, on Saturday evening he was unable to move or make sense, so was taken to hospital. By Sunday morning he had had a scan, Xray and blood tests and had been moved to a medical ward. I canât fault the system here; I wish with all my heart I they could fix him. My family are supportive, but at a distance as they live all over the world .
@Counting
I remember the feeling well. My husband was in a nursing home. One visit he was so lucid I thought the diagnosis was mistaken. Was all for sorting out him being at home. Within the hour he was back to confabulating etc. I never allowed myself that hope again.
I feel your heartbreak very much.
It is the most emotionally exhausting part of the situation, not knowing from one minute to the next who I have or what he will do. I notice that a period of real lucidity and acting like any normal person is followed by him being worse than he wasâ no doubt doctors would poo poo the idea.
My mum had a series of mini strokes. One day she would appear terribly ill, the next day sat up chatting as if nothing had happened!