Feeling so miserable. I have reserved a place in a care home for my husband from the beginning of April. I have been 24/7 full time carer for three years now.
He has gone slowly downhill to the point he can do nothing for himself now. I have been feeling very unwell for some weeks. Then, a friend told me that I am almost broken and when I do break (and, she said, you WILL) I should not expect to recover in a couple of days. Family and friends have been suggesting full time care for him for some time, but I chose to āla la laā responding with I am fine we a managing fine. This wise friend said I should find somewhere I like, and he will accept whilst I am able to do it and that ensure he is as comfortable and settled as possible, else it was going to be me hospitalised and him in emergency care. I have not yet told my (4) children. They will, I know, say about time too. I donāt want congratulations for what I am doing. I feel a failure and inadequate and ashamed that I can no longer continue to care for him. Dementia is a cruel disease.
@Counting
You definitely are NOT a failure. What you are doing for your husband is the best for both of you.
My lovely late husband suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues. He was in a nursing home because his consultant wouldnāt allow me to care at home any more. I know understand the feeling of failure. Eventually I realised I hadnāt failed him. My daughters and myself used to care manage the home. Any thing we felt needing sorting we insisted they did. You probably can do the same. Visit when you want then go home and rest. Dementia is definitely a very cruel thing. Possibly to family more than the sufferer. So please donāt beat yourself up. Sounds like you have coped admirably and still are by realising more care is needed than you can do.
This eventually comes to all of us who care for someone 24/7/365 - especially when they have dementia and you find that you are losing that person in stages.
You are NOT a failure , NOT inadequate - your health and wellbeing matter too. Remind yourself that you are, and have been, a good person, a good wife and have no need to feel ashamed that you are now unable to continue caring. You are only human and not Superwoman.
The next few weeks and those first weeks after he takes up residence in the home will be difficult but weāll be here if you need us to offload on and will support you as best we can. I say this from the memory of how this forum supported me when I cared for my Mum with Alzheimerās and how they were here for me after she went into the care home until her passing in 2012 - I was able to become her daughter again and enjoy the time we had left together without the stress and worry of being her carer.
My friend is 70 and her late husband was 80. He had a respiratory disease and was on oxygen and had the start of dementia.
Her house is tiny but she squeezed a bed in downstairs and cared for him but several times he had to go back in hospital.
Caring became impossible and she was advised that he would be better cared for in a home. He only lived a few more months.
My friend has now accepted that she did the right thing. She looks years younger, is bright and chirpy and enjoying life again.
Sounds like you family are all behind you.
Sadly, advanced dementia almost always ends in residential care.
Can I ask if anyone has talked to you about finances?
Has the GP arranged an NHS Continuing Healthcare Assessment? IF awarded it would give free care.
Donāt forget to notify the council tax office when he goes into care.
However, you are utterly exhausted, please be really kind to yourself in the coming weeks.
If funds allow, treat yourself to a trip to the hairdresser, or a massage, or facial, knowing husband is safe.
It is lovely to have somewhere to rant and moan. I donāt want to burden family or friends. Fortunately, funds are not an issue - although I would give it all away in a heart beat if I could have my husband back. I am feeling some relief, on a really sh***y day I think its OK i can do this its not forever or until i die which is where I was. He seems to understand that he is going to live in a home. He doesnātā, however, have a grip on time so asks āam I going Thursday?ā and 'donāt bother with that I am going away tomorrow. Tugs at my heartstrings every time.
My family and friends are all behind me. Problem is I am still beating myself up. I will get there but it is sooo hard.
We all understand here. My son was brain damaged at birth, 46 years ago. Friends donāt understand. At one time we were also caring for all 4 elderly disable parents too.
Fees will be Ā£1,000 or more, so do be sure to claim what you are entitled to, without being means tested.
@Counting The worst thing is that little voice that nags at us and says everything we do is wrong, because weāve done something we had to do, but didnāt want to do.
That little voice nagged at me over my mum, who had dementia and had reached the point where she couldnāt live alone safely any more. I was in no position to take on the care (although social services did āsuggestā it), as I was already caring for my wife and sons. Iād been doing some caring for mum, but was pretty much at my limit, so taking her in was not an option - for lots of sound reasons.
But the little voice insisted it was right. So I gave it the name of a politician who āneverā makes mistakes, or does anything wrong, and always knows what to do. Apparently. And did what I do for that politician.
Ignored it!
@Counting you have my sympathy and thoughts. I had to put my dad into care in 2019 because he wasnāt being cared for at home. He thought he was going on a business trip, but he was so well looked after (with Alzheimerās) for two years. I knew I had done the right thing. My mum went into care two weeks ago. She broke me and I was lucky enough to be able to offload to her GP who told her flat out she had to go into care, no more nonsense! She is adjusting well and I am having a rest and getting my own strength back. You are doing the right thing, I think you know that. Itās so very hard though. If you are too weak to care then everyone loses. I send you strength and hugs. 