'trigger words'

Hi All, I have come across something in my role as a carer which, I have heard talked about and seen on tv about ‘Trigger words’. The biggest problem I have got is one how to prove it to my local mental health team who don’t seem to want to know or care about the problems I am having caring for my mum. Even the gp doctors get ignored by them and their crisis team. I am going to drop a line to the advocate who is trying to help us reconnect with support for us.
I took my mum to a meeting 1 on 1 with mental health doctor she is under, I was present there to make sure that mum did not feel she was alone but also try and get some further information about the medication she is on as there is still problems with one of them but also talk of another review of them. During the meeting mum asked the doctor if the one doctor she was under at the hospital was still around, to which the doctor said he had seen this one early that day. It was later that evening/ next day did both me and my dad saw a change in my mum which at first we put down to one of the tablets that is giving us cause of concern and is being looked at regularly or that the meeting went different to what she thought might have happen. With the mention of this doctors name has mum changed almost like a spoilt child,abusive,hassle etc but we have gone back to square one where the house is getting back into a state of mess, and clean,washing backing up etc. I’ve got my dad who feet need seeing by a doctor but will not go as he does not want to leave me on my own as mum is picking on me a lot, some of the crap I am getting blamed for was not my doing but nature with the lost of pet dog due to illness, I happen to be the one there when he was put to sleep.But also he is fed up with health service and does not know what could be sprang on us next.
I know social services got involved the last time mum went into hospital lately but got no Idea what was said in the report by the paramedics, as no one is telling us Sweet FA.
I have let someone know in the carers who is a point of contact for me what is happening but they are limited on what help can be done or given as like us they have hit a brick wall with the mental health team.

My main worry and concern is that I could end up with both parents being sent into hospital or respite care and maybe not come home until things are better but that leave me in a awkward predicament, as we as a family are still dealing with one cock up over mum, neither me or dad want to go through it again no only over mum treatment but also when she was in respite care we ended up paying twice and for the wrong amount! It is ok for people to say oh just throw it out etc but they forget that one it cost money to get rid of a lot of things that have been thrown out as our council will do one bulk collect once. Two some things that are waiting to go out are things for charity shop’s and the ones by us are either full of stuff or limiting how many bags and what can be dropped off at them. So it not my fault I can’t keep up or get time to put things aways but others who only see black and white and not the grey area us carers are in.

Hi Michael,

So the main problems are that you are concerned about the state of the house, which has a lot of clutter.

Also, your Mum’s mental health has taken a dive since she asked the consultant about another one and hearing he is still based at the hospital has increased her symptoms?

Finally your Dad’s feet need treatment but he won’t leave you alone with your Mum as she is abusive to you?

Ok, clutter I know plenty about as I have plenty of my own that I am dealing with at the moment! I too had trouble with giving stuff away, but around here charity shops are taking stuff again. I have also posted some items on freecycle -infuriating at times but great when something is rehomed. I rate the Dana White Decluttering at the rate of Life method as you don’t get in a worse mess and see instant improvement even if you only do 20 minutes at a time! Once I get going I’m spurned on by seeing a cleared space - getting started is the hardest part.

Re your Mum, who should be reviewing her meds? Do you think the trigger word doctor has frightened her in some way?

Could you go with your Dad to the get his feet seen too or could he go with your Mum or could you go out whilst he is out so that you and your mum aren’t home alone together?
He mustn’t put off seeking treatment, they’ll only get worse.


Well Melly1, Yes apart from the house being cluttered which is slowly being cleared of junk, the rest of it is general cleaning is where I am concern, I do try and set a day or some time to clean up but wake up in the morning and find what I have clean up is put back and a mess is made again or even if I am doing something else in the house come back to find it a mess. One thing my mum was told when the mental health 1st started cleaning up will get you well. To a point it does help but then it has the negative effect, mum either does not know when to stop, we hit the TIA/Stroke area again or what has just been done gets taken back to where I have picked rubbish dirty plates etc and just put in a pile or hidden else where. Sometimes it’s like living with a child. (support was promised if the place was tidy or cleared but the goal post were being moved every time)

With mums meds since she went into Hospital and they were played around with, there has been a told ‘blackout’ on communication over it which is why the advocate is involved. Really it should have been her main Mental health doctor to review and sort things out but due to covid a lot of short cuts have been taken. I don’t know what this doctor who name has started off as a trigger has done fully but I know that this doctor is dangerous and would give someone anything they want for a easy life. I have yet had the pleasure of meeting this doctor as when I do ever meet her I would love to give her a peace of my mind.

with dad feet, I will take him which I hope to get done next week even if mum and I are together alone in the house. Dad is scared unless it for medical ops he is waiting for to be done on him self he does not want to go in or anywhere. He is not afraid of me and mum not fully getting along as it has happen more since she came home from hospital as you don’t know what has been said or done. I had both of them at one point last year in hospital, trying to get them both home but also find out how they were etc was a hard slog.

Your post is all about what mum dad and you do not want.
If no one comes up with anything positive things are only going to get worse, so you have to break all this negative thinking. The only workable idea I can come up with is them moving into a care home for a month and then you getting help for a massive tidy up of their kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. Is it untidy or dirty or full of stuff they can’t throw out?
How old is mum?
Have you heard of Diogenes Syndrome? Maybe read up on it?
My house use to be very tidy, it isn’t at the moment as I get tired easily after 8 operations.
Everything is clean, but not always where it should be. The cupboards are immaculate inside, just stuff on top. My mum had a serious hoarding problem, so we bought some racking for the garage and some Really Useful Boxes. She was happy for us to put things in boxes in the garage, never asked to see them again!
I have a shed with racking too. Gets things like Christmas decorations out of the way, spare fabric, curtains etc. Out of the way but easily accessible.

I too have the really useful boxes. Also 3 heavy duty plastic trunks on wheels. Christmas tree and decorations stored in the garage. All sorts in plastic boxes. It really has helped me sort, and I don’t have to rely on my son in law’s to go into the loft for me. I dare not climb now. Once things are stored, out of the way it’s encouraging to carry on. I admit it is very hard to do this especially as you have to care for parents.

My mum left me a house full of stuff that took a year to empty, with the aid of my two big strong sons.
If you don’t want to live in a mess, your mum is incapable of sorting it out, from what you have written. So is dad.
So either you take control or it stays as it is.
The hard reality is that if you don’t deal with it, no one else will.
If your are on Carers Allowance, they are both on disability benefits, there should be enough between all of you to employ someone a few hours a week to do some basic cleaning.
If you have had a Carers Assessment from Social Services, did you tell them you want help with the housework?
They should be funding some as part of your own support.
If you don’t ask, you won’t get.
Another woman in the house might make mum and dad take a bit more care, and give mum someone else to talk to, someone else to help.

Michael, if you had Power of Attorney for your parents, the hospital would not be allowed to “blackout” you about her treatment. They would have a legal duty to share everything.

Yes I have got power of attorney for both of them. Even with these they take no notice, even other people like the gp’s or the local mp have tried on our behalf as well as the carers. What I have been told by one care worker who works out of my local branch, who has worked in the mental health services, is this: ‘that they know they have done wrong and are keeping quite and not doing anything hoping it will go away’. It’s like when you know something important to do with a job or a inquest and you decide to keep quite about it than do something about it.

In that case, there are solutions.
Look at the LA website, search for “Adult Services Complaints” and make a “Subject Access Request” online. Ask for copies of everything they have on file about you, mum, and dad over the last year. They have 30 days or so to respond.
Contact the CCCG, responsible for health locally, and do the same.

Ask Social Services for a “Care Act Advocate” for you, for mum, and for dad.
You could add this to your subject Access Request.

Sadly, mum sounds to be so very seriously ill and the time if approaching when she may need full time residential care.
Tidying the house, and keeping it tidy, sounds impossible because of her behaviour.
I know someone else, many, many, years ago, with similar sort of behaviour who finally had to be taken into care.

This is NOT a sign that you don’t care, or are not working hard enough, there are no magic wands.
You are one person, exhausted mentally and physically yourself with the effort of trying.
I know it’s not what anyone wants, but in this situation you have to think about what help she NEEDS not what people want.

You cannot live a life of your own in the current situation.