all, i am new to the forum. I am a full time carer for my wife. She has COPD stage 4 as well as other health conditions. Over the last 18months she has been seriously ill and had respiratory arrest 3 times with the last being the worst as she basically died in my arms. My daughter (from a previous relationship) lives with us, she is 18 and is bipolar but my wife and her clash big time. My daughter has been there everytime mt wife has had respiratory arrest.
My wife can be very argumentative, touchy and difficult to live with but its getting worse with lapses of memory and repetativeness.
Unfortunately I feel trapped as my wife is totally reliant on me but my daughter needs me too as she is finishing A levels and looking at uni.
My wife has 3 grown up daughters from a previous relationship who swoop in and play superhero whilst she is in hospital but dont do alot else to help out.
Is it normal to feel resentful of a relationship as its changed so much. (My wife is 10 years older than me) To feel stuck, trapped with minimal support and not to want my 18yo daughter to keep helping save my wifes life?
I know my wife is scared and feels resentful as her life has changed so much and that she cant do the things she once could. But my life has changed too or am i just being selfish?
Any advice gratefully received
Update
I have a meeting with my wifes 3 daughters this weekend and have written a list of things to discuss that include regular visits so i can get a break. One of them is having my wife stay overnight so i can take my 18yo to a uni interview!
A big argument between 18yo and wife that to be honest has left me broken but i love them both. They are now just cohabiting but not communicating.
We have been approved for a social housing move to a 2 bedroom bungalow but now have to wait for a suitable property to become available. We are currently in a house but the stairs are a big problem.
I am trying to be positive but its getting more difficult as i seem to have to support everyone else but who supports me?
Who cares for the carers is a big problem!
Can you remind me if yo’ve posted elsewhere as i’m pretty sure I did post an answer to you ‘somewhere’…
My own take is that your priority is your daughter, because, hopefully, this time next year she’ll be at uni and ‘fledged’ - and getting her to that stage is the main priority I would say.
Do you know why your wife and she clash so much? Do you think your daughter could ‘moderate’ her behaviour at all (a big ask, if she is actually the ‘reasonable’ one) simply to 'keep the peace (and make your life easier??) (At 18, your daughter has to start looking out for others - not saying she doesn’t, just that often it’s a bit of a shock for teenagers when they have to take on the responsibilities of adulthood as well as get the privileges!)
I’m glad your wife’s daughters are stepping up to the mark a bit more, and that is good. That said, arguably it isn’t their responsibility either - but then whose responsibility is it? Arguably it isn’t even yours - as in, legally you would be quite free to decamp and leave your wife.
it’s a difficult one, no doubt about that - is your wife grateful for what you do for her? After all, however ‘angry’ she gets at being ill, her poor health is not your fault. Yes, make ‘some allowance’ for her fear and frustration, indeed, but she should definitely be appreciative.
What was her elationship like with your daughter before she was so ill (if she ever was better) and when your daughter was younger? Hqave tey always clashed. Step-parenting isn’t easy - as you doubltess know from her daughters too!
Thanks Jenny Lucas
I did post prior on another thread but thought it might be best to open a fresh one.
My daughter and wife have always clashed even though my wife is the only other real parent she has known.
I have never been seen as a parental figure by my wifes daughters as they were already grown up with kids of their own when we got together.
I make allowances for how my wife feels but when do you say enough?
I guess its a wait and see situation.