Tired of Dad's Tantrums

[Den54]

Not sure how to deal with this one. Visited Dad in care home yesterday, he seemed to be fine as I walked in, the minute I got near him and realized it was me, he started throwing a tantrum, saying one of the carers had taken him off the toilet whilst in the middle of doing his business and that he was ‘in a mess’ and ‘what can I do about it?’. After several minutes of trying to ask questions and reason with him, I gave up and brought it up with the carers who took him back to the toilet only to find - nothing!

He seems to be trying to use toilet issues as a way out of the home: “They’re terrible in here, they’re really rushed when they take me to the toilet”. Not true, he is taken, left for a while, then carers go back to see if he is okay and finished. It seems to be one specific carer (according to Dad) who is rushing him, but when I brought it up with other carers yesterday they said “we would never do that”, although one of them made a comment yesterday that Dad is being just as difficult with them as he is with me and he threatened to “report you to the Liberal Democrats” (Dad used to deliver local newsletters for them) “but I’m Labour!” says the carer - good thing carers have a sense of humour about their job.

Carers are good and home have dealt with a seizure which resulted in a trip to A&E, plus another recurring issue this week.

As someone who has never had to deal with tantrums before - not in an older person (mom became poorly and died within 6 months), nor with children (I have no kids), how am I supposed to keep dealing with this?

A lot of the time Dad asks for the toilet only to find it’s flatulence! He is now off his hospital prescribed laxative (as it’s PRN - whatever that means - and he refuses to take it,) and toileting seems to be his main issue whenever I arrive. Funny it never seems to be a problem until I arrive!

I see other visitors with their relatives and they don’t seem to have anything like the drama I get with Dad. I think the home know I am struggling as I got a call from my GP surgery (but not my practice, as it is 2 practices under one roof), asking me if I needed support and they sent me a link - the same one I self-referred to for this forum last year.

According to Dad, he shouted at the carers a couple of weeks ago, when he tried to walk unaided and was told off, then when they asked him to try walking he told them “If I could walk, I’d walk out of here!”

He’s becoming attention seeking on a constant basis, even when it’s not necessary - when waiting in A&E for transport back to the care home, perfectly comfortable, in bed, eating and drinking but decided to make ‘extra’ noises just to get my attention because I was staring at the floor (in despair) and not giving him constant attention.

I am just getting to the point where I can’t take it anymore and fed up of having to put on my ‘happy face’ when dealing with Dad in the home/at hospital.

Have being doing CBT (very time consuming) for ages and am trying a new book on ‘self compassion’ because CBT seemed to be not working anymore. Don’t want to be taking anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds, I know people who have been on them for years and are finding it virtually impossible to get off them.

Dad is eating well, willful and fully aware of what he is doing and at this rate likely to live till 100+ (currently 86). At this rate I will still be dealing with this when I am 70 (55 now). Fed up of it all, not to mention I can’t just walk away as I am both Finance and Health POA, the finance alone, Health jointly with sister who does virtually FA to be honest. This is also causing me stress having to work out stuff to do with financing Dad’s care, potential house sale in near future.

[Charlesh47]

@Den54 First of all, although what you’re going through doesn’t seem to be happening to others with relatives at the home, it is fairly common: your Dad is feeling that he’s lost control and he’s taking it out on the people he sees as being in control - the staff at the home, and you. You probably because he’s blaming you for his being there.

I had some issues over this with my Mum, except she was mostly happy and cooperative with the staff and used to moan at me about them. It was a lot worse, though, when she was in hospital, where she felt completely out of control. There she was unco-operative and did everything she could to be difficult: she’d always hated hospitals.

What would happen to your Dad if you didn’t visit? He’d still be fed, cared for, etc. Perhaps he needs to be reminded that you’re visiting out of love, and if he can’t treat you with a little respect, that won’t be enough reason for you to visit.

If you don’t feel able to do it that way, perhaps cut down the visits a little to protect your health, and if he kicks off you can always tell him that he makes the visits not worth the effort and pain you go through to get there (I think I’m right in believing you have Fibromyalgia), so it’s up to him.

Easy for me to say - only you know if it’s something you can do.

[selinakylie]

@Den54 I do agree with Charles. For your own mental health, it may be an idea to reduce your visits?
How long has your father been in the home? If it is early days, he is still going through a period of adjustment and mourning his loss of freedom? I also think the elderly become VERY demanding and I call my husband ‘the senile toddler’ because this is how he behaves. You seem happy with the staff generally and the standard of care he is getting. It really is what he NEEDS right now rather than what he wants care wise?

It is easy for Charles and I to say ‘back off’ but I totally get how hard it is to do.

[Den54]

Thanks for your reply. You are probably right, just because it looks like other family/carers are having an easier time of it, they probably aren’t. Thanks for putting it in perspective.

My Dad is the opposite of your wife, mostly co-operative in hospital (although he was co-operative in the care home until fairly recently).

I have (without realizing it until now) been cutting down on visiting in the past 2 weeks, mainly to take care of my osteoarthritis and Fibromyalgia by going to my Aqua therapy classes instead and when I do visit Dad, arriving later than I used to. So cutting down is do-able.

I do think some of it is guilt maybe but as @selinakylie has pointed out, it is about what he NEEDS, not what he wants and he NEEDS 24 hour care and 2 people to move him.

I have a friend who phones me most days but sometimes this is not helpful as this person is very big on ‘family’ and ‘responsibility’ and that mental health should be pushed aside for these. Maybe time to cut down or cut out that friendship too. What do they know? Both their parents died suddenly and unexpectedly so never had to deal with the issues around caring.

And yes, I could do with giving Dad a reminder about my limits next time he throws his toys out of the pram!

[selinakylie]

@Den54 Yes please start to disengage from your ‘friend’. I have a similar friend who looked after her mother although she did not live with her and had a demanding full time job and a child. She ended up on A/D and struggled to come off them. She thinks I should ‘step up’ re MY mother even if it means me taking A/D which I remain VERY against. My mother lives 2 hours away and I do not drive plus I am caring for my medically non compliant husband. I do not feel it is safe to leave him for long periods and frankly I think my mother is getting to the stage where she NEEDS 24.7 care rather than me just visiting for a couple of hours. Her neighbour is a retired nurse and is next of kin, and yes I do feel mega guilty.

My friend also thinks I should ‘step up’ re my husband as in putting his Hearing Aids in for him even though he hid them right behind the TV. I have had to disengage from her for my own mental health. I still see her but I do not talk about my mother very much or Eric as apparently it triggers her and brings back the bad memories from her caring days. She has said that her tummy issues she thinks are due to listening to her friends issues. I have always tried to make sure part of our time together has concentrated on what is going on in HER life. I now just ask her about her holiday and her transgender son and walking group and do not talk about my issues very much at all. I also see her less.

It is tough but you are very caring and you have done your best. The elderly can be so very selfish and manipulative and you do deserve a life of your own.

[Den54]

Thanks for your reply. This forum has started to become a sanctuary now .

As I said in my previous reply to @Charlesh47, without realizing in the past 2 weeks I have been cutting down on my visiting, mainly due to taking care of my osteoarthritis and Fibromyalgia flare ups by going to Aqua therapy sessions. Plus I arrive at a later time when I do visit, so protecting my mental health as much as I can.

Dad has been in the home since mid November 2024 so just over 2 months. As my friend said to me “the honeymoon is over” and reality is hitting Dad now.

It is what he needs, social worker recommended 12-14 hours a day care minimum, with 2 carers to move him, which I only found one homecare agency would do (at a cost that would have hoovered up Dad’s savings in about 9 months and still left him with a 12 hour care gap at night).

So yes, it is what he needs, not what he wants.

It is hard to back off, not so much for myself, but with family - particularly my sister who is mostly absent from Dad’s life but expects that I should be doing it instead.

[Sue24]

@Den54……I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. I do agree with the others though that you do have to take a step back and think of your own health. I know how difficult it is to do that though. I’m 56 and my husband is 59. After years of health problems which got considerably worse in the last 2 years he is now in a care home. He moved there last May after having had carers at home, doubled up and 4 times a day until the early evening leaving us to cope alone for the nights. I work full time and my elderly parents (86 years old) live with me and it all became too much for me to cope with. He resents being in the home and is now in the process of divorcing me. He believes he can live in assisted living though how I have no idea . Keep looking after yourself as much as you can, hopefully your dad will adjust to being there.

[Den54]

I am getting very much ‘less is more’ with most ‘friends’ and acquaintances now. I don’t blame you for not discussing your own issues with your friend, it sometimes just makes things worse!

I have an acquaintance in Aqua therapy class who asks me about Dad but then says it makes her anxious asking about him in case he has died and she has really bad anxiety attacks when anyone (even unrelated to her) dies.

I just smile and say ‘fine’ when asked how things are

[selinakylie]

@Den54 It is amazing how OUR issues gives THEM anxiety! Thankfully I have other good friends who have been carers and are very empathic. They have told me to disengage from my husband to a degree for my own mental health. I just cannot sleepwalk into caring for 2 elderly people who hate each other.

[Den54]

[@selinakylie

quote=“Den54, post:1, topic:126444”]
comment
[/quote]

It is amazing isn’t it? Much easier to keep our mouths shut!If we are not going down the taking anti-depressants route, disengaging does seem the only way! Fortunately I have other non-carer friends who like to talk about music, so at least that is a distraction

[Den54]

Oh my goodness!! You are coping with a lot! How are you even functioning on a day to day basis? . Puts my own problems into perspective. You are right though, I do need to step back and take care of myself. You definitely need to!
Thanks for your reply, it makes me feel so much better knowing there are others going through similar.

[selinakylie]

@Den54 I Chair 2 Book Clubs and am an Admin for a Social Group. Hard as have to take husband to the monthly Book Club partially because I dare not leave him alone. I also have my beloved felines.

Re A/D my friends 26 year old son is on a very high dose. I just cannot understand why my friend thinks I should go on them when she had such a very difficult time getting off them. I worry dreadfully that her transgender daughter now son is on them and has been for a long time. I think maybe for many it is ‘normal’? Frankly this scares me. If people need them and they help that is fine but to me, I avoid all medications due to potential side effects if I possibly can.

[Den54]

That’s great, always good to keep your mind occupied. I love painting and drawing, I am in a local sketching group, but haven’t been to a meet up in ages, might be time to start again.

Yes it is probably considered normal for most people to be on anti depressants now. Last year when I popped into Waterstones in nearest city, a huge wall of new releases was ALL books on mental health and beating depression. Tells you something doesn’t it? I love a good book by the way, usually non fiction.

[selinakylie]

I mainly read fiction but trying to read more non fiction this year.
I did read and loved ‘Ask Not the Kennedys and the Women they destroyed’ . I am also intrigued by the Mitford Sisters.

[Den54]

Kennedys fascinate me, will have to look for that one. This conversation probably should be in a different part of the forum

[selinakylie]

Author Maureen Callahan. Half price on amazon but I initially got my copy from my library. I think liked it so much, and price had come down so I got it. Steve from Book Club has borrowed it and Janet is waiting to borrow it.

[Chris_22081]

Oh Den. So much of what you have written rings bells with me.

I was my Dad’s right hand man and confidante for MANY years and he moved into a retirement village but eventually started to decline, so my husband and I (oh that sounds rather regal!) offered him the chance to come live with us. He was ta the point of saying the food in the restaurant was horrible and cold - never was when I ate with him, but that was because they saw he had a visitor so I got special treatment!!We gave over two bedrooms so he had a private sitting room (TV, sofa and chairs, fridge and kettle, desk for his computer) and a separate bedroom adjoining - we even put in an extra door so he could close that and have his own “suite”. The bathroom was just along the landing but we have an ensuite so it was his private bathroom.

All went well for about six weeks then he started to show ‘odd signs’ and a doctor diagnosed dementia. He was at the point of refusing to eat food I left in the fridge for his lunch - throwing it in the bin at one point and denying I had left anything for him. Telling friends he was not being fed. Telling others I was physically abusing him… He started rowing with me and picking fights. He would he at the door as we got hoe from work demanding to know why we’d been out so long. If I went to an evening meeting and said I’d be back by (say) nine, I had to be home early and he’d start “well I didnt know what time of the night you would be rolling in”…

My brother would not believe it was dementia and said he was just “a confused old man”. That changed when he went into a Care Home and brother had calls every twenty minutes one night!!

I heard so many stories being made up and it hurt terribly that this man I loved and had given up so much time for over so many years could turn into a nasty vicious person who made up horrible stories - which some people believed because they had always known him as an upright citizen so he must be telling the truth. I was surprised not to have the police at the door tbh!!

In the end he changed his Will to partially exclude me - I could have challenged it on grounds of dementia, but couldn’t be bothered. My brother was Executor and could have varied it but - surprise - he didn’t as he got a larger share that way!

Just want to say - you are not alone - I am not certain what to say which would help right now, but I really feel for you as it hurts so damn much to be abused in this way.

Talk to the staff at the care home and get advice from them as they will have experience.

[Sue24]

@Den54….thanks, I think you are going through a tougher time than I am now. I’m coping okay, in a way it’s a relief to not be in the situation I’ve been in for a few years now. I can see some light at the end of the tunnel now. It’s very sad though that it’s worked out like this.

[Den54]

Thank you. Sorry to hear about your Dad. It is hard to toe the line between doing your best for a parent, whilst you are being verbally abused and/or lied to or about. Harder still when the prevailing attitude is that our elders should always be believed and respected.

Thank you for your advice. I will seek out one of the carers and a senior whom I get on well with, although given comments they have already made, I suspect they know how difficult things are with Dad at the moment.

[Chris_22081]

It can’t harm to make sure they know what he is saying to you and how that makes you feel. They may be able to engage with him to find out why he is saying these things and getting cross with you. Also they will then know what’s behind it if you need to reduce your visits at any time!