Hi everyone,
I’m a 22-year-old woman and my dad has Alzheimer’s. He’s 77 and is in the moderate stages. He was diagnosed about 18 months ago. For context:
- My mum is 56
Their marriage has been a shambles for… years. My dad has done some nasty things (the specifics I’m not sure of, but my imagination doesn’t paint him in a great light)
My mum had to work away from home for several years in order to make ends meet, starting when I was 2 months old - 5 years old, and again from 12-15 years.
My dad was abusive when I was younger: physically and emotionally
I have Borderline Personality Disorder so I struggle a lot with mental health. I’ve personally had three suicide attempts.
My mum suffers a lot with depression
I managed to arrange for my dad to go into respite a few weeks ago as my mum was not coping. Every day she would call me (I work about 4 hours away from my parents) in tears, talking about ending her life. My dad was starting to do things like attempt to shave with a steak knife. My mum can’t handle it, given that she’s severely depressed and absolutely despises my dad for all of the horrid things he’s done over the years. She does not care about him and does not want to care for him. Anyway, we’ve been told that social services won’t fund him to stay in a home because he’s “too independent” (he can still go to the toilet and mostly get dressed by himself). So, he has to come home.
My mum is absolutely inconsolable; won’t stop crying and I’m legitimately concerned that she might try to end her life.
We might seem heartless but we both just feel trapped. He has abused us both over the years and now we are stuck in a position whereby one of us is going to be forced to care for him. He is belligerent, even more aggressive than he used to be, his personal hygiene is appalling, messy, stubborn, childish, even more selfish than he used to be. We don’t care enough about him - in fact I actively dislike him given what he did to me as a child & teenager - to be in this situation. There has been talk of one of us leaving our jobs and getting some kind of carer’s allowance to care full time. Given that I am 22 and have severe mental health problems, this really isn’t feasible. My mum can’t afford to give up work, mostly because my dad has taken out very large loans over the years without telling her and it’s coming to light now. She also doesn’t want to have to give up work for someone she despises. She would definitely kill herself if she had to give up work.
We’ve thought through options such as selling the house and my dad uses his half to self-fund a care home and my mum move away, but that money would quickly deplete given that our house is tiny and falling apart. My mum feels like she’s going to lose the house she’s worked so many years, and left her children, to buy and keep, when my dad was sat on his *** watching TV for most of those years.
I’ve told all of this to social services but they aren’t really budging.
We’ve been informed that he’s supposed to have a knee replacement on 15th May, but we have no idea how we are meant to care for him. I’ve already used all of my annual leave to visit and help look after him. So has my mum.
I’m just at a loss. I don’t know much about this sort of stuff - I am 22 and finished university in July. My mum is an absolute mess. I don’t know where to turn, who to talk to, what options there are, where to find at least someone who will take all of this context into account. Does anyone have any idea what I might be able to do?
Thank you for reading my incredibly long rant…