Stuck downstairs after release from hospital

[Victoria_1806]

Referencing your post in March so we’re all aware of your broader circumstances and situation

Thinking of divorcing the person I care for

I’m thinking of divorcing my wife, we’ve been married for the best part of 20 years and I’m nearly 60. We live in Scotland. After we married she realised I had a form of autism, I’d no idea. Things were never the same and for a few years I was bordering on being a beaten husband. She can still get nasty to me but is bipolar so there are OK days too. I try to avoid spending time with her. She is very overweight and needs hip and knee replacements but is way too big for the op. She can’t pee with…

@clx123 remember this post from @bowlingbun

Thinking of divorcing the person I care for

If the only suitable place for your wife is some form of residential care, forget about being fair as the moment she has over £23,000 in assets she will be classed as self funding and have to pay for everything until it’s under £23,000!

A few big questions/thoughts…and some tough love

• if I was in your shoes I’d forget about trying to get your wife upstairs a) it’s unlikely to be possible and b) using your energy and building up stress to get her up there is one thing, and there’s a high probability she’ll have an emergency and need to be brought down given her current health status
• I think, like many of us have experienced, you’re experiencing an unsafe discharge where the pathways system of Discharge to Assess has failed you dismally - see page 5 of this: https://www.carersuk.org/media/gmrk1hec/carers-experiences-of-hospital-discharge-report-2021.pdf
• She needs care support that you can’t provide given her weight and immobility - this is the point you need to push with GP and highlight the pathway 2 and 3 of the document was not assessed in the hospital…I’ve no idea how a discharge in a car was even thought to be safe…am ambulance return home is usual.
• You’ve said in your previous post that you’re struggling with your own mental health and autism - the important thing for you to say is that you don’t want to care for her anymore, and for her safety she needs care elsewhere.
• Unless you are vocal and say you can’t care for her people will assume you’ll somehow make things work….like getting her upstairs… This is why I’m saying its best to stop trying to solve that point!

Sorry to be so direct, but you were very clear in March and I can see how easily things will get worse for you right now!

@Sue24 can share her experience

@Charlesh47 and @bowlingbun may know how to kickstart a move to residential care

Your wife’s needs AND yours are now bigger than what you can do in the house - based on what you’ve said…so it’s important to tell people you can’t care for her.

If I’ve misinterpreted anything or said something wrong, I’m really sorry…I’m just VERY concerned for you, based on what I read on the past post and now

here’s the helpline for CarersUK where trained experts could talk you through things: Helpline and other support | Carers UK.