The Lonliness after your loved one has gone into care

I feel lost abandoned suddenly no carers coming home does all appmt no organising after over 50 years I’m left in a empty vacuum lost :disappointed:

Hi Gloria,
I was widowed suddenly when I was 54. It was a huge adjustment which took several years. You need to find the “new you” because this is a huge chapter starting in your life. There is very little difference between your situation and mine.

My top tip would be to go out every day, and be very conscious of how it feels. The sun, the wind etc. Find something to enjoy every day. It doesn’t have to be anything major, just a plant which is flowering, birdsong, the sky.
Having time to do anything for yourself, not having to hurry, is also strange. I have a home beautician now, to do my brows, lashes, etc. I treat myself to a massage or facial now and then. I don’t have anyone to say “you look lovely” but I do it for ME because, to quote the ad. I’m worth it.

I was a loyal faithful wife who did everything to make our marriage work - not easy when married to a man who loved his steam engines, I would tow a 16ft caravan to a show most weekends!

I also know that he’d want me to enjoy the life I have left, that he was denied. We asked each other to find someone else after one of us died, as we knew the remaining partner would be lonely. Sadly, I’ve never found anyone special (I still care for my son with LD). My annual special treat is a holiday somewhere special. Soon I’m going with a girl friend whose husband doesn’t like travelling, to Greece to do some island hopping.

Hi Gloria,
welcome to the forum.
You life has suddenly switched pace and it’s going to take time to adjust and find a new way to be.
I agree with BB re getting out of the house everyday. I still have my caree living with me, but when he is at college and I can go out on my own - I forget how easy it is to just pop out as taking him with me, requires prep and planning.
It’s time to treat yourself, which as carer’s can feel quite alien.
Before your caree got dementia, what did you like to do?

I expect you are still visiting your caree and so there will be caring tasks to be done, taking in toiletries, clothes, treats, visiting and keeping an eye on the care provided by the home.


Hello Gloria

I can so relate to how your feeling - I think most of us on here in a similar position will also empathise. It was the sense of no longer being “needed” that got to me the most after my Mum went into a care home. I found that volunteering helped me a lot - both here where I’m a volunteer moderator for the forum and at a local charity shop. Both have given me a sense of doing something “worthwhile” again and increased my self esteem :slight_smile: Because I’m a “crazy cat lady” I also volunteer at my local cat rehoming centre - spending time with the cats give me a great deal of pleasure.

Like Bowlingbun has indicated, this is now a new chapter in your life - a time just for you. It will take a while for you to get used to the new “normal” so take it slowly. Just popping out for shopping or coffee when you feel like it and not because that’s the only time you can do it is a beginning - then before you know it you will find that you have built a new, albeit, different life to the one that you have been used to.

((((Hug )))
From your post, am I correct in thinking your loved one is now in a home? If so, you will find yourself in a place where you oversee care. Explaining likes dislikes, checking toiletries, clothing etc.
My husband was in a nursing home for over 3¾ years. Took a while but I started to sort out things that needed doing, slowly. Met a friend for a catch up, and gradually allowed myself to go on day trips. Felt odd, not right the 1st time, but gradually I realized that it was good for my own well being.
Sadly I lost my husband in May. Yesterday, for the 1st time, I started reading a book, without putting it down after the 1st paragraph. In fact read 6 chapters. I’m not saying it gets easier, but you do learn to value yourself, all that you can now do,
I echo BBs reply to you.
Keep posting, it helps,
Susie, Melly, bumped posts! All have the same thoughts

At least you can still see each other.
Similar to many here, I lost my wife after 60 years of marriage to dementia recently.
I try to do some thing each day that I can look forward to.

For example I go to a Wetherspoons now on most days for breakfast at 8 o/c
Just toast etc and a coffee and read the paper.
It wouldn’t mean anything to many but for me, it’s a little something to
look forward to when I get down in the dumps.

Take up your interests too in earnest.
If you don’t have any, get some :slight_smile:

Albert has reminded me that one of my biggest challenges was cooking for one. My husband was over 6ft, so were both sons, so for years I’d cooked for three hungry men, plus me, 2" below 6ft. My sons had left home before my husband died, but came back regularly. Cooking for just me was difficult, I usually did far too much, and by the time it was cooked, I’d gone off it. I HATED eating on my own. (Married at 19, went from family home to my first married home). My solution was to virtually give up cooking. Boiled egg, beans on toast as a rule, otherwise a garden centre meal in the middle of the day.
Make sure you eat something, because everything seems blackest if your stomach is empty, and you won’t sleep either.
(Later, my eldest son moved back in, he said that he wanted feeding and it would do me good to eat better, so my kitchen was kickstarted back into life again).

Eating for one. I get microwaved meals, I augment them with fresh veggies etc.
Never oven cook now.
I get the ‘serves one’ dishes.
Wish more supermarkets did meals for one.

When I see the ‘serves two’ signs on packets I get all upset again. :frowning:
Hey ho, roll on death. :laughing: :laughing:

Albert have a look here

If you haven’t got a Cook shop nearby you can order online. They do a lovely range of frozen ready meals, but they have all been hand cooked (each pack tells you who cooked it !). Most of the range comes in sizes suitable for 1, 2 or 4 (useful for letting guests think you’ve been slaving over a hot stove !) Obviously they are more expensive than most of the ones available in the supermarket, but they are really lovely and do taste “home cooked”. I do enjoy cooking but I always have a couple in the freezer for days when I can’t be bothered.

Thanks for that link.
Trouble is, I don’t have a freezer nor a freezer section in my frig.
Thanks anyway.
Guess I’m getting out of date in my ol’ age :slight_smile:

But I do use a contactless card now when I shop…
…so I’ve stopped touching the check out girls. :laughing: :laughing:
(just akidding in case someone doesn’t know my
brand of communication :slight_smile: )

Albert, a freezer might save you money, and would certainly make life a little easier.