Apologies if I have accidentally put the wrong category of What Helped Me, I went back in to edit this post, accidentally put it in and can’t seem to remove it.
This problem is probably a real oldie in terms of problems discussed on care forums but I’m asking anyway…
Dad has been in a care home for about 2 months and was meant to be there temporarily at first awaiting physio (which would have been and still is, going to be a long awaited thing anyway) but decided to stay there as he said he liked it and also it was safest for him (multiple falls, loss of mobility, need for recommended minimum of 12 hours per day care by 2 carers which could not be provided except for one agency which was charging so much for 12 hours, Dad’s savings would have lasted (in my rough calculations) barely 9 months. Realistically though he does need 24 hour care with 2 carers to help mobilise him.
In the past week he has started saying he hates it there and wants to go home
I have explained the practicalities of why this isn’t possible and reiterated that he did originally say he liked it there, plus gone over a few things with him he seems to dislike, which are things he could take for granted in his own home/when he could walk, which he can no longer expect in a care home setting eg:immediate attention when needing toiletting, other people sitting in ‘his’ chair when he is taken to the toilet.
It is heartbreaking to hear him say he hates where he is now and makes me feel like visiting him less because I can’t bear to hear him say it. Any advice?
The .Honeymoon Period is over.
Does he have his own chair, bought by him?
Or is it a chair provided by the home?
I have lived in the same house with half an acre for almost 50 years.
After the death of my husband and a car accident leaving me unable to walk, I had to make huge changes, destroying the entire garden to make it low maintenance. I feel sad at the way it is now, and still wish it was like it used to be.
Dad is probably thinking of home as it used to be for him, when he was well, forgetting how much help he needed before the falls etc.
He has everything he needs in the care home and help available 24/7, and really has very little to complain about, probably because he’s bored.
My mum was in a lovely care home for her last few months. I went to a Relatives meeting and felt so sorry for the staff as residents nit picked over the stupidest things. They were impossible to please.
Try not to let dad’s moans get to you, he can’t be happy because he’s frustrated by his failing body.
He’s lived a long life and is now paying the price.
Compare this to my lovely husband who died of a heart attack at the age of 58, who never even met his grandson.
Just keep reminding dad he is safe and warm and has everything he needs.
I bet he didn’t have a call bell when he needed the toilet at home?!
Thanks once again for replying to my post, you have made me feel so much better and put things in perspective. A friend did say to me last week about the Honeymoon period being over.
No, Dad doesn’t have his own chair there and to be honest if he did, then it is still unlikely it would remain ‘his’, as it is predominantly a care home for persons living with Dementia (something else that Dad is not very tolerant with) - very likely someone else would still try to occupy it when Dad is elsewhere.
When Dad was at home (between hospital and care home), he was given temporary 24 hour wraparound carers to ensure his safety until permanent arrangements could be made, so he didn’t even need a bell😆, they were literally sitting a few feet away from him and he got instant assistance for everything which unfortunately has probably reinforced the idea that he should get instant assistance now. I have explained to him multiple times that he is now in a different situation and that the care staff have many other people to deal with, not just him.
He is bored no doubt, there is a large TV in the lounge which is always on, he can have his own TV from home installed into his room but he said he doesn’t want to, plus staff like everyone to be dressed and downstairs during daytime. I ask if he wants something to read and he says no (he has macular degeneration and a cataract on one eye which are/will be receiving treatment) which is highly likely a factor in not wanting or being able to read. He had few interests at home, main ones were cooking and gardening which are not possible for him now.
He does have a water infection at present, so that might be affecting his judgement as well.
@Den54 I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through with your dad and I sympathise completely. My mum WILL NOT go into a home and as she is deemed to have capacity, I cannot make her. She cannot cope at home and although she has paid carers for 20 hours a week, I have to pick up the slack especially at weekends.
Why your post resonates with me…. I had a week in Italy last October and got Mum to go to respite care in a local care home that is more like a 5 star hotel. I was hoping she would see the advantage of being there, but no such luck. She almost ran out of the place on pick up day. Despite being sent photos of her having a lot of fun, she said she hated it; the bed was too narrow, the hot chocolate wasn’t warm enough, the view from the coffee room was horrendous, the staff kept waking her up at night when they checked on her and the other residents were so much worse than she was……I could go on.
It’s heartbreaking when your elderly relative doesn’t understand that they simply cannot be at home without draining the life out of you. I would urge you to hold the line and smile, nod and placate when the complaints come. As a retired doctor friend of mine told me; they’re not going to like anywhere, they don’t want to be there, they have no choice and you just have to ride it out. Yikes
@Den54
I understand your concern and probably frustration.
My late husband needed to go into a nursing home. No choice as his consultant wouldn’t allow him home for his safeguarding and mine. He seemed reasonably ok to start with but then with many visits he was saying when are we going home, sometimes would say come on we better get going. Heartbreaking. I learnt through trial and error. One of my replies. You can’t go yet the Dr hasn’t sorted the discharge papers. He seemed to accept it. Once when he looked irritated I said I wish he would bloody hurry up! That seemed to satisfy him because he felt I wanted him home. ( If only) I used to have to be one step ahead with lots . I told myself they were kind lies trying to keep him happy. Eventually he stopped mentioning home.
The staff may like the residents in the lounge but surely they should respect if someone feels the need to be in their own room for a while.Would you try taking a television in his room and see how he reacts. You could say it’s only for the time being.
This may not be particularly helpful to you but a couple of thoughts
Hi there, thanks for your reply. That must be so difficult and I have been there, if only for a short while, picking up the slack between carers myself. It is exhausting!
Doubly difficult for you that Mum doesn’t want to and cannot be forced to.
I totally understand all the nitpicky complaints, Dad is very much that way inclined, even before ‘all this’ happened . My sister and I did discuss last night about possibly finding Dad a ‘better’ home, but I can see from your story that even a 5 star type establishment would not be good enough, so probably not much point .
I totally sympathise with your situation and it’s good that we have this forum to make us realise we are never totally alone.
Hi, thanks for your reply, sorry to hear you have been experiencing this too. It’s good to know there are others in similar circumstances.
I am beginning to realise as you said that this is very much trial and error. I am going to have to carefully plan what I will and it won’t say when visiting Dad and avoid any subjects that may trigger thoughts of going home.
I am sure there is some leeway for people to be in their rooms if they wish. There are some residents who are in their rooms when I visit and there are alarms and mats for falls as you would expect, so a TV might be worth a try. I think the home are trying to socialize Dad by putting him in different chairs each time to see who he chats to, but he is not the most sociable person. He does have a couple of people who do not have Dementia whom he talks to if they are next to him, but that’s it. He loved his TV when he lived at home.
@Den54
Sadly my husband did have vascular dementia. Strokes and other health issues. So probably circumstances are different in many ways. Same principles though. I classed my self as his care manager ( along with our daughters) and needed to explain to staff that he wouldn’t take kindly if they didn’t explain what they were going to do. Especially personal needs. Most did to be fair.
I don’t think any home is perfect however many stars they have. You know your dad better than staff. Plod on, I’m sure you will get there.
My daughter once said whatever we do it comes from the right place. Hope you can take comfort from that
That is helpful thanks. Sorry to hear about your husband. My mom had vascular dementia, went downhill very rapidly after she was diagnosed and died of pneumonia.
Dad is in A&E right now and the staff explain what they are doing, but they all talk too quickly for Dad to understand so I have to keep repeating it to Dad, who unfortunately decided not to have a hearing aid, despite hearing loss .
I tend to defer to the professionals but ultimately you are right, we know our relatives best.
. My sister and I did discuss last night about possibly finding Dad a ‘better’ home, but I can see from your story that even a 5 star type establishment would not be good enough, so probably not much point 
.