So many Carers on here with similar issues to mine, caring over 2 years now, and feel so lonely and helpless, and no way forward. Just wondering how yu all cope? Or is it like me you just have to,.
Some survival tips?
My biggest enemies are tiredness, loneliness, and my own health issues. Know what yours are.
Too much was expected of me by all four elderly disabled parents and a brain damaged son over a very long period.
The parents have all passed away now, son has his own flat and carers now, although I do things for him almost every day still and I’m not supposed to care for anyone ever again for health reasons.
Your own life is every bit as important as your carees.
Just because they can’t do something it does NOT mean it becomes your job.
You cannot do the work of three, your jobs, your partner’s jobs and nursing/caring too.
You need to ditch some jobs and get help with others.
Streamline the house, get a tumble dryer and dishwasher, flatten the garden.
Insist on time off. Maybe after lunch?
Have counselling.
Stop trying to be Superman and start yelling HELP!
Counselling made me realise that if I didn’t stick up for myself more I’d continue to be treated as a slave.
Learning how to avoid jobs was life changing for me.
If someone had told me all this 40 years ago my life would have been so much better!
Finally, it’s allowed to say “I can’t do this any more”.
No one wants residential care for themselves or their loved ones, but if their needs are so high they NEED a team of carers 24/7 residential may be the only option left.
I’m awake at silly o clock having a cuppa as I was exhausted after a hectic, tiring week I abandoned ship and went to bed early!
Thanks for the advice
Joyce
Be your own best friend.
Stand up for your needs too.
Don’t let yourself be overlooked or forgotten or neglected.
Hobbies? interests? research your family tree? do online learning course? radio ham?
You can’t change certain things in life but you can change your response to them.
I refuse to let it get me down, I am determined to be happy, however my mother has all her faculties, she’s very dependent for care and admin etc and it may be a different matter altogether if she goes blind or bedbound or needs end of life care at home. For now, I choose happiness, unless I am mowing because I hate it, even though it is fresh air and exercise.
Adapt, prioritise, manipulate the day to give you some me time - work out best times for your interests, get fresh air and exercise for some feel good endorphins on a good long walk.
Listen to Radio 4 to waken the brain and tell them to get real! Find some interests and online or facebook groups for those interests.
Optimise dead time to free up time for interests, eg it can take up to 45 mins for mother to eat her breakfast in bed and take her meds, so I fold and put her clothes away, wipe down her surfaces with damp cloth, load/unload washing machine, hoover living room/wherever, same for other mealtimes so those chores are done and my time is then free to follow my pursuits while she has her morning sleep. It’s different if she is unwell and I have to sit with her/check on her, then the focus is on her.
As Bowlingbun said - flatten the garden, I have simplified our garden so it more or less takes care of itself other than mowing. The veg patch is a different matter!
Little wins like a bonus ‘me’ hour, finding and taking opportunities!
Thanks for all the advice, but I think that everybody’s curcumstances are different, I just think there’s no hope realy, 2 years 2 months caring for my partner /ex partner now, I don’t think counselling is for me, and definetly wouldn’t help my situation
Peter
I fully understand that everyone is different in their circumstances and we all operate in our own unique ways. There isn’t a one size fits all solution.
This has flushed out your reality and you sound so despondent, it’s awful to see.
It isn’t doing either of you any good.
This is why I mentioned counselling or some professional advice, I am not trained or qualified, what I say below are just thoughts and observations from your posts and from life experiences of others.
There are alternatives, solutions, if you really are at the end of things, but they are, by the sounds of it, going to be awful to do. I feel terrible saying that thinking of your ex, but she deserves better, deserves people that will care about her wellbeing. Make discreet enquiries with the authorities etc about her managing without you and find a way forward.
You think the worst thing you can do is leave her, yes it will be horrible but you can do worse to her than that, you can end your life or you can stay with her being resentful and hating her. I don’t like saying these things, but putting myself in her shoes, those would be my thoughts.
You need to find some help and solutions for the way forward for the best for you both together or each of you separately if that is what is necessary, if there is no way forward together.
The reality of the here and now and it continuing is not good for either of you.
Ask yourself
If you weren’t caring for her i.e you were on your own, would you feel the same way when the dust settles several months later?
No need to answer it here.
Reality sucks. The here and now is bleak. There are options for the future.
Look into the options for the best for each of you.
Peter, when did you last have a proper break from caring?
Are you being pressured by family or friends not to consider short term respite?
Their views don’t matter.
What does matter is your own wellbeing, or lack of it.
Tell us a bit more about what you are struggling most with?
Looking it from the ‘outside’ Peter you sound close to breaking point. Short term respite might be an option worth considering? You desperately need to ‘step back’ and get a break away from the situation. YOUR needs and happiness matter too. If you have a total breakdown, help will have to be found but it is wrong that things have to get to crisis point before help is offered. Could you get an emergency app with your GP and tell him/her what you have told us. I worry about you being or becoming clinically depressed.
Thanks for the concern, it’s like walking into a, cul de sac but I’m not allowed to reverse back out.