Hi I’m new, my husband has tried to kill himself four times this year and even the doctors have no idea how he has survived. Because of how extreme his suicidal thoughts are we have struggled to find any help for him, he was sectioned in July but released after 48 hours even though he was still intent on killing himself and I just feel like I’m waiting for the next time constantly. When he thought he was dying he also confessed to having had an affair last year so I’m also trying to deal with that but also support him. We have been together nearly 13 years and have two boys with special needs and everyday just feels like a battle. Sorry for the rant.
Hi Kirsty.
Just wanted to say hello and welcome. The forum is very quiet this afternoon but your post has been seen.
I haven’t any experience or knowledge of your particular struggles but someone with more will be along. You must be a very strong lady to cope with all that. If I was in your place i wouldn’t be struggling, I’d be drowning!
The only thing I’d ask is does your husband want to help himself improve or is he waiting for a magic wand to fix everything? I have read somewhere that the MH sufferer needs to try to help themselves too. Is he active at all or lost in his thoughts all day? Do you have any support at all?
KR
Hi Kirsty
There is lots of help and support for your husband should he wish to except it.
You need to get support for you and your children. Make contact with mind who will have people you can speak too. And sign post you to the best help.
Have you let the children’s school know. Schools are very supportive and may be able to give you some support.
Thank you both for replying. The boys schools know everything and have been brilliant. We have been in contact with lots of different people but through the nhs we keep being told that he needs to be stable for 12 weeks before he can be seen for any therapy or treatment, he was finally seen by a specialist in personality disorders at the end of July but they are still trying to decide on a diagnosis and he only saw him after I made a complaint as the crisis team were just referring back to the gp every time who would then tell us that all she could offer was tea and sympathy as they can’t do much more with his meds until he has a diagnosis. This week I have also been refused help by our local nhs well-being service as apparently what I’m dealing with is beyond any counselling they can offer. My husband is back working on reduced hours which is good but he is struggling with his feelings everyday. Sorry it’s a long one again
This is why I feel you would be better making contact with Mind UK. If only for you to have someone who you could talk with directly.
It’s a positive step your husband is working part time.
How are you feeling about your current relationship given the disclosure of his affair. Supporting him is all well and good. But what do you want for your future. Is this on the back burner. You must not feel responsible all adult have responsibility for their actions. Easier I know said than done. Is the affair link to the attempts of your husband life. If so are you considering any form of counselling. You husband has a responsibility of a family. Is the pressure of the family given your children have special needs difficult for him. There is lots of help out there you just need to be signposted and supported,
Thank you, I will contact mind on Monday once I’ve got the boys to school. I was signposted to a local mind coffee morning but it turns out it was actually for the person with the mental illness rather than the person supporting them so I’ll see what else is available through them in our local area. At the moment I am trying to help my husband get well again and I love him so much that I want to work on our relationship. Yes he does struggle with the problems our boys have. I think the guilt of the affair was the final straw for him as he was already struggling to cope with his army days and the things he witnessed and unfortunately he served for the South African army so he can’t get any military help here understandably.
I am sure there must be some form of help for non British veterans.
Perhaps some of these links might help to find an organisation to signpost you.
Thank you but unfortunately as he never served with the British army they can’t offer any help. I spoke to combat stress a while ago and although they couldn’t help they were really nice and did suggest a few things for us. Thank you for your help
Good morning Kirsty
I think these are the people for your next move…
Their work is amazing and well documented given who you have already contacted.
Hello,
I’m so sorry for what you and your partner are struggling with. It’s so difficult trying to support yourself, your children and your husband.
I’m also really sorry thr NHS mental health service have let you down, I’ve been working in it for 4 years plus and it doesn’t actually surprise me. There isn’t enough money/staff.
- If your husband is reporting current intent, rating from 0-10 (10 being he has the plans and intentions to act on these thoughts and 0 being be may be struggling daily but doesn’t want to act) they typically don’t accept those below 5. If he is scoring higher and have active plans and actions in place and they are still discharging him, you need to report this to PALS and the CQC because they have a duty of care. If he doesn’t have any plans or actions, then I’m so sorry it’s literally because our mental services are drowning!
Is his attempts impulsive? Because if so that could be one indicate of a personality disorder - and this does increase his risk!
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He won’t be able to get therapy if he is risky, it isn’t manageable for therapists sadly. Especially as therapy can be a very tough and emotionally draining experience and could interest his risk levels. Please consider looking at DBT - it’s highly effectively for complex cases, especially if he does have a Personality disorder - if you have the money I’d suggest private as it saves the wait list, but obviously not many can sadly. And he’d still need his risk to reduce, he needs a psychiatric assessments and placed on the right medication which should take the edge off.
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Consider a self referral to an IAPT service, if he has recently attempted (within two weeks from the referral date) then they will not accept him. But in any case they can refer him to a community service and their referral would be more detailed and likely to include a demand for a psychiatric assessment. IAPT are likely to reject him because we can’t have those in risk on the wait list it’s just unfair to the person, we aren’t a crisis service sadly. But they are great with signposting and supporting you to sign post.
I know that was all practical and informative advice, I am hoping getting some information from someone who has worked on a psychiatric ward and is currently an therapist in an IAPT service and is in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder this might be helpful.
If they are mistreating or neglecting his needs, get in contact with PALS for advice and support. They are very quick and they’ve helped me in the past when the services have failed my partner!
For yourself, you could consider a self referral to IAPT as well. IAPT aim to increase access to psychological therapies, and they offer either cognitive behavioural therapy or counselling! And although they come under the NHS they are technically seperate.
If you need any technical advice around the NHS I’m happy to try and answer anything!
I’m so sorry though, this sounds like an incredibly difficult time.
Hi Kirsty, what has happened here is your husband is feeling really bad about himself, probably because he had an affair - there may be other reasons too. My advice is simple - show him how much you love him by giving him hugs, cuddles and kisses. Tell him you love him and that you forgive him. And if you possibly can - Put your husband first (sometimes) to let him know how important he is to you.
Another thing you could do is to phone/text any kind friends he might have who could meet up with him or visit him at home. Please let us know if any of this advice helps.