I’m a young adult carer (along with my sisters) for my dad who has suffered with Parkinson’s Disease since before I was born (20+ years) so it’s all I’ve ever known and his condition is quite advanced. I no longer live with him, but I still share some caring responsibilities.
Since we were children, my sisters and I have always fought for our dad to hire a carer for himself because it was too much stress on our family for my sisters and I to care for him - we can’t cope with the pressure of it - but my dad has always been adamant that we are meant to look after him as we are his children, which feels unfair as none of us chose these circumstances (he nowadays mostly relies on his girlfriend). As a result I have built up a lot of resentment and I’ve been growing further and further apart from my dad. What’s also difficult is that his Parkinson’s really affects his mood - such as his capacity for empathy and compassion, as well as making him irrational and compulsive at times. This makes it so hard to maintain a relationship with him as I never know what I’m gonna get when I speak to him, and sometimes during a conversation he can suddenly becomes explosive, very defensive and aggressive, and I have to remove myself from the situation and stop speaking to him for months. Our relationship is strained to say the least, and I have emotionally distanced myself from him to protect myself. However, I still desperately want a good relationship with my dad as we were close when I was younger, but I am so hurt and angry at him that I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know how to let go of my resentments, and accept him and the situation for what it is. I get so mad sometimes that this is the life I was given, but I want to make peace with this.
It’s also so hard to talk about this with my friends because (thankfully) they don’t have ill parents and they’ve never had caring responsibilities so they could never imagine what it’s like and what I’ve been through. They can’t fully understand why I feel so angry. I feel so alone in my pain. I speak to my sisters about this regularly but they’re also all resentful and hurt, and I feel like I need some positive reassurance.
If anyone has been through something similar, especially in relation to Parkinson’s, I’d love to hear about how you have handled and coped with this.
How old is dad ? Does he live alone? Is he claiming disability benefits?
He is wrong to say his children have to look after him. My mum had severe arthritis, she refused help for years, my brothers did nothing. I would have loved an active mum, not a recluse. In quick succession I had major cancer surgery, was widowed, and then disabled in a car accident. Finally mum realised her choice was carers or nursing home.
I found counselling, managing her expectations, really helpful. Supported to feel happy with what I could do not guilty about things I couldn’t. Maybe it would help you?
Hi and welcome. Firstly I can’t offer any advice specific to Parkinsons, maybe someone else on here will be able to help you.
I can empathize with how you are feeling. Recently had similar comment from my own father about “someone HAS to be with me and it MUST be family”, I understand how you can feel trapped in this situation and resentful because you didn’t choose it (I didn’t choose mine either). Angry and frustrated outbursts of course make you want to back away (again something I have experienced recently with Dad).
At least you have found this forum and can ask questions and vent your frustrations here.
Hope someone can help you with more specific advice on Parkinson’s.
I agree with @bowlingbun , it sounds like you would benefit from counselling and an opportunity to talk about the affect caring for your Dad has had on you and how to move on from here.
Dear Starsnbars
I am Kristie i am an online host for Carers UK. Welcome to the Forum, It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment, are you getting any outside help?outside support? I know it might not feel the same but the Forum has a number of carers from all walks of life who will understand what you are going through and will be happy to share their experiences. Hopefully by talking about things it will help ease the resentment you feel towards your dad. There are two online meetings you can go on Care For A Cuppa and Share and Learn and by going to these meetings you can talk things over and like i said before that might help your situation.
I will message you soon so you can update me on how you feel and are coping.
Best wishes
Kristie