So close to being done

So, I am an only child - my mum is 62 and has come through a heart attack and triple heart bypass (2015); subarachnoid heamorrage (2018); stroke and fractured spine (2019) and is now in hospital after Covid and completely losing her faculties (was in the room she lodges in, using it as a toilet, being abusive and refusing care from paramedics - it took a week to get them to take her to hospital.)

I myself am disabled, my husband and I live in a teeny one bedroom flat with damp; accessible only by a very narrow staircase.
Also my mum has been verbally and emotionally abusive my whole life - we’ve had an ok relationship the past couple of years because it’s been 100% on my terms.

She’s about to be homeless, her landlady is having major works done to the property and she has no savings etc. She also doesn’t eat or look after herself well, despite still working three days a week. She is also forgetful.

So far her local council have been worse than useless, I’ve a man from the housing ringing me tomorrow. Her landlady seems to think this is my problem to sort out…not 100% what’s going on with the hospital but she seems to think she’s being discharged tomorrow with no care.

I honestly do not know where to turn from here. I’m terrified I’m somehow going to be forced to have her with us - which point blank no, my husband says not in a million years and my mental and physical health wouldn’t stand up to it.

If she arrives at your door tomorrow DO NOT LET HER IN. Send her to Social Services. There are some real horror stories about discharges at the moment. She is NOT your responsibility.

Thank you for the reassurance!
I doubt she will - as far as I know, they do not have my address and I live quite some way away.

It’s just a whole mess. I spoke to her and she begged me to not tell anyone - the council etc - her business.
Fine, just…be homeless then. Argh! It really is like dealing with a toddler!

Also I have attempted to get social services involved - the (very rude, mocked my stammer) woman suggested that maybe meal replacement drinks could solve everything?
Goodness knows!

If I’ve got this right, mum is in hospital about to be discharged? It is the responsibility of a hospital to ensure a discharge is safe, both in terms of the fabric of the building, and the support she needs, usually 6 weeks free. Hospitals can be fined for unsafe discharges.

Currently waiting to hear back from the hospital - it’s nearly impossible to actually speak to anyone there at the moment, which I do understand because Covid is very prevalent there and they’re under immense strain.

I’ve got a guy from the housing who deals with hospital discharge (supposedly) ringing tomorrow, so fingers crossed that goes well.

How are you getting on Rhian? Hopefully someone has supplied some help to your mum and not just discharged her!

Reading through your post again, you mention mum being very confused.
Has anyone in the hospital done a mental capacity assessment?
Is it possible that her previously health issues have led to permanent brain damage, even perhaps giving her an element of early onset dementia?
Under the 2014 Care Act both you and mum are each entitled to an advocate to speak up for you.
Ring Social Services again and tell them you want a “2014 Care Act Advocate” appointed for you, URGENTLY.
Go back to Social Services, and tell them that mum is a “vulnerable adult” and therefore they need to consider her well being.

If you get the same person you spoke to last time, be sure to get her name, then contact their head office about her taking the mickey out of your stammer, and suggest that she has an “urgent need for further training” and is removed from her role dealing with the public until the training has successfully been completed!

Don’t get mad, get even. Revenge is a dish best served cold!!!

TW: mention of suicidal ideation

Sorry for taking forever to update.
Mum’s been discharged to a flat up 35 stairs today. She’s too tired to do the stairs to let the carer in tonight; but from the morning she’ll have an am carer and a pm one.

This is an unsafe discharge right? However due to her homeless status, she can’t refuse the flat without discharging the council’s responsibility to house her.

She’s nothing in the flat, god alone knows how things are going to be moved from her old place to there.

Have had 20 calls from her today, including sobbing near hysterically because she wants her stuff, and suggesting I take paracetamol because I’ve a 38° temperature post Covid vaccine and am not risking travelling on tubes etc across London (I have several health conditions of my own, hence having the jab already).

Hopefully social services will respond in the morning regarding the stairs and things. I have to say they’ve been really nice so far.

I just feel like we’ve been here before, she’s behaving in all the same ways (threatening suicide and refusing therapy etc) and I can’t do it. I can’t fix her, nor is it my responsibility to.

No, it’s an unsafe discharge, at very least she should have a way of letting someone in. What would happen if she fell? Does she have a Lifeline, does someone have a spare key?
I know how hard it is to stand back, I had to with my mum. From what you say this isn’t going to work, but mum must find this out for herself. Can you record her phone calls, to show SSD and the hospital?
Then they can hear how desperate she is feeling for themselves.

She doesn’t have a lifeline, or a spare key - as far as I know.

I’ve left a message for the social worker, so hopefully they’ll get back to me but if they don’t I really like the idea of recording her - thank you for that

I woke up a few weeks ago to much banging hammering and drilling next door, turned out the lady next door was being discharged from hospital.
They fitted extra rails to make it easier for her to get around and a key safe, so the carers could let themselves in.

They did this BEFORE DISCHARGE which is what the hospital/Social Services should have co ordinated.

And yes they should have organised a lifeline as well, most councils run a scheme.

And no its not your job to sort things out, these social workers are well paid, it is their job to sort out proper care.

I’m so angry about the whole situation.
I’m hoping that the social worker comes through today,

Spoke to my mum this morning, and she’s quite upset still - asked me how I am but doesn’t care, shows no concern.

Lots of crying when I said I have to prioritise my health, and I’m not her carer (she wanted me to ring social workers constantly until an answer)

I just. I’m LIVID at the authorities to be honest.
They say all the right things and then just do something else.
Also probably using my own disabilities and the fact I’m autistic to think they can get away with this.

Just spoken to the (genuinely lovely) social worker.
My mother REFUSED a key safe, adjustments and an alarm thing.
I’m livid with her.
Why lie to me? And why do this??

You’ve got to turn your phone off.
Tell mum that if she needs help she has to ring Social Services.
I know you are reluctant to record calls, but it’s often the only way of getting medical people to understand a situation I’m afraid.

So sorry about your dilemma Rhian. What did the contact from Housing say? I can’t believe they have discharged her into a property with that many steps. Did she make them aware of her medical issues? If she hasn’t, you should!

Did you say she is working 3 days a week? If so, the temporary accommodation (if that is the flat you mentioned) will cost her an arm and a leg! Also, how is she working if she is so not well? If the SW or Housing realise she is working, they will wash their hands of her and say “well if she can work, then she can look after herself and she can’t be that poorly”. Sorry but that’s just how it is.

If Mum is in temporary accommodation, do you not think some kind of sheltered scheme would be better for her? Some have a warden on site 24/7 so if she falls or has a problem, she can get in touch with them.

Anyway, good luck and keep your chin up.

From what you have previously described, mum’s refusal of things shows she doesn’t understand her situation at all. Is anyone visiting on a daily basis?

I echo the turning your phone off. I now put mine on silent at 7pm until I wake up as I couldnt relax or sleep properly. My mum was calling me whenever she felt like it with a list of demands, mostly trivial. I told her I would only take her calls during the day. She rang a few times in the evening but soon got the message. She has a lifeline, keysafe and a morning carer and I have told her if she chooses to stay in her home she needs them. Your mum refusing these is unreasonable and she has to bear the consequences.

If you make yourself unavailable she will realise she has to find an alternative.