Ok the story so far.
After helping to care for my parents as they became more dependent with my siblings, my role being organisation of finances, showering and bathing, taking them out, while the others tidy the garden or pop in to visit.
Out of a week I would work up to 40 hours and on my days off spend them helping mum and dad.
I had suggested mum and dad move in with us so I didn’t have to be looking after my home and theirs and work, my siblings didn’t agree. They said they were also there to help. After several years my husband and I decided to move away, we moved to Anglesey, North Wales. Our older brother was now living in the rented house with mum and dad and carers were brought in for mum.
After we had been away for 6 months my brother said he couldn’t cope any more as he didn’t have my support, I received a phone call stating dad was asking if they could move in with me in Anglesey, I of course agreed, gave up work and they moved. Our big brother moved over too a month or so later.
After 2 and a half years my brother was unable to work due to drinking so I suggested I return to work, he spends the day with mum and dad and I paid his rent. It lasted about 2 months. I also became his main support.
None of my siblings, who asked to take over their care, came to help to give me time off, so I was working 3 nights a week and had carers in for morning care and put my dad to bed.
Then I burnt out.
I agreed that mum and dad go into a Nursing Home as dad was fully dependent in all needs including feeding, mum was mild cognitive decline residential.
I wanted them to stay local but my siblings demanded the return to their area. (3 hours drive for all siblings out of the area compared to 6 to come to Anglesey).
After 8 months my dad died, the first thing my mum said was could she come home now.
She had been diagnosed with stage 5 renal failure a few months before and was palliative.
My siblings wanted her to stay “local” in the Nursing home but she wanted to return to Anglesey, she had the home phoning me asking to come back, she told my siblings and she begged me to come home. Dads funeral was delayed while some of the relatives wanted to have their holidays first so almost a month later dad was buried. Mum continued to ask to come home. The Nursing home and mums care manager asked the GP to do a competency test and she was deemed to be competent to make the decision where she wanted to live.
They demanded that I give up work again and give 100% to mum, she would pay into the family for her part but I had to be there all the time, they made us sign an agreement, mum and I signed as it was the only way the family would let he come. She was still deemed palliative care although she had not deteriorated much.
I took a years career break, I was 59 and a nurse, if I gave up work totally there could have been difficulties getting back and I’d been a nurse since I was 18!
Just after she returned to Anglesey my older brother died, I was the only one there for him.
At the end of the career break mum was healthier than she had ever been, her kidneys had improved due to the care I gave her, but As a family was now in nearly £10000 in debt due to supporting my own family / grown children, so I brought up the subject of returning to work. That’s when it started.
My brother sent me a demanding, unkind handwritten letter saying I couldn’t go back to work.
My mum had no objections, I had it all planned where she would be sleeping while I worked so a minimal loss of my time for her. I spoke to a solicitor about the agreement I signed and he said there was no reason why I couldn’t return to work so long as mum agreed. My husband would always be home when I’m not and he was trained as a carer but we agreed he did not do personal care, he would call me for that.
Her GP said there were no health issues for mum and it would be good for me. I had no social service input so they didn’t want to voice an opinion. They all said go back and don’t tell them!
I returned to work. And didn’t tell them.
Covid happened so I had another 16 weeks off through the 1st wave, to reduce the risk to my mum, in August I went back as my workplace was made safe. (District Nurse Out of Hours team, only emergency calls to known non Covid patients between 8pm and 8am, some nights no visit maximum visits average of 6). On New Year’s Eve I accidentally answered my phone thinking it was my husband and it was my sister, I was caught out.
I have since had nasty comments belittling me and the care I give mum even though she has someone qualified in care (me and my husband) all the time. Even when I am at work I have, with her agreement, a monitor which informs me if there are sounds or movement! and I can come home if I’m needed and have full access to the OOH GP who I work with!
I am being seriously affected by their attitude and hateful comments, all because they say “I took her away from them”.
I cannot do the family zooms and what’s app conversations anymore.
I was one of 8, now 7 since we lost my brother. One has said the others are being unfair to me, I am feeling very anxious and cannot see the end of it! I can’t afford in money or my nursing career (I am now nearly 61 and do not have any speakable pension, don’t get my full pension until 66yrs, if mum dies before then I’m unemployed.
I am feeling so low.
So please, any suggestions, am I doing wrong? She is so well and has improved since I’ve been back at work!!
Help