Struggling with mum


I am new to this but thought why not just write this down!! My mum a couple of months ago was diagnosed with COPD and lung cancer. It came as a real shock As she was always active and had several jobs. Whilst we were trying to come to terms with this all of a sudden my mums diabetes went crazy and she had to be admitted to hospital with DKA. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital which was difficult as I wasn’t allowed to visit due to COVID. She came out for a week and ended back in hospital again with DKA again. Both times I found her unconscious. Whilst in hospital she got a chest infection and I was told that due to the cancer she might not make it. She did thankfully but then we had another issue her legs and feet swelled up so big. She started antibiotics again and the her toes changed colour. Within 2 days the toes were purple. She had to have an emergency stent put into her leg and now she has been left with necrosis in her toes on the left foot. And we now have to wait for the toes to be amputated. This has caused her so much pain. Her sugars remain crazy and she has been very unwell. Whilst this was all going on I work full time in care. I have 2 other siblings but I was going to visit everyday and trying to sort out her home, finances and be a support for my siblings. To say it was stressful was an understatement. Whilst I was going in I could clearly see she was confused and upset and she would just blame me. Say that I didn’t care and she didn’t need me. We have always been close and pretty much most of my life I have been the parent figure. I literally have not stopped for months making sure I went to see her running up fresh clothes and trying to run her home and sort out issues. This stay in hospital has been 5 weeks each time I went to visit she would cry and say she wished she was dead. How she didn’t like me interfering with things and what did I know. I tried to make things better for her but she was never grateful. Due to COVID my siblings couldn’t visit so it was down to me as her next of kin. She came out of hospital this week and returned home. She was so sad in hospital and as she has been diagnosed as terminal with her cancer I didn’t want her to spend maybe her lasts days or weeks etc in hospital and my other siblings not see her. I want to make memories for her and us. The opportunity came for her to be discharged and mum was on board with this. However she decided she didn’t want carers coming in and we agreed between that us kids would look after her. Well unfortunately the lovely thoughts have gone. She is refusing to let us care for her. She will not wash change her clothes she keeps refusing to eat which is bad for her diabetes. She shouts and is nasty saying we don’t know what we are doing. I want to care for her but she won’t let us but she equally will not help herself it’s soul destroying. I ran around getting all special equipment into the home to make her life easy and she tells me it’s crap. She won’t use it. All 3 of us are treading on eggshells all the time. She just moans all the time and it’s hurtful. I just don’t feel like I want to be around her and I feel bad for that as I don’t know how much longer I will have her. My brother and sister feel the same. I feel added pressure as I work full time and I’m trying to juggle work with mum and I feel guilty all the time if my brother is looking after her as I know she is difficult and I can’t be there 24/7. He doesn’t work and does his absolute best and she just moans all the time. I’ve had this for months my siblings haven’t so much. I try and support them too and if something goes wrong my brother is on the phone constantly so even when I’m not there I am constantly anxious and agitated. I just don’t feel like I can carry on as I’ve tried really hard to get mum home to make sure her time left is with her family but she refuses everything is rude and hurtful. I cry all the time as I feel my mum brother and sister expect me to sort everything out and make it all ok. I don’t know how much longer I can do this everything is so stressful and I can never switch off. I don’t sleep and I work 60 plus hours a week too. I feel bad and don’t really know why as I’ve tried my hardest to make her home and care just right. Without me she could not have come home but she shows no appreciation for anything that’s done. Anyone else felt like this???

She NEEDS to be in a nursing home. Ring the GP, be brutally honest about the situation. Tell him she needs FAST TRACK Continuing Healthcare, which should be arranged in 48 hours.
Otherwise you are going to have a breakdown.

Hi Kelly, I feel so sorry for you .
All I can say is that you have done everything for your mum and yet it doesn’t sound as though she cooperates or is pleased with all your kindness and care. The trouble is if you carry on like this you will make yourself very ill.
Sadly there is nothing more you can do to make your mum happy.
While you continue to do everything nothing will change.
Take bowlingbuns advice and ask for outside help.

Hello Kelly. You have certainly got a lot on and you need to relieve yourself of the burden.

You mention a couple of times thay you are supporting two siblings. Why are you doing this? Do they have health issues? If not, they should be supporting your Mum along with you. You say elsewhere that your brother does help a bit. That’s fine; don’t feel guilty about this, but if he has health issues make sure he cares within his capacity.

You say you are working 60 hours per week. That is far too much, particularly while you have all these caring problems. A lot of this must be overtime, which you are not obliged to work. Explain your caring situation with your employer and demand the removal of all overtime. You are not doing justice to your work when you try to do so much as well as all your caring problems. If your employer gets awkward, talk to your Union representative.

I am afraid that making memories with your Mum is in the past. It sounds as though however hard you try you will not make her happy. The best you can do is try to make her comfortable. This will probably mean her going into care. As Bowlingbun suggests, get onto her GP and give him the full situation, especially your inability to cope.

Hi Kelly
Welcome To The Forum!
You are not alone, we are sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and offer support. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibilities challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and unable to attend social groups etc.
Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers and you can find the information on how to register at:-Care For A Cuppa:-https://www,carersuk,org/help-and-advice/get-support/online-meetups. Share and Learn:-
Our telephone number is 0808 808 7777 and we are open Monday to Friday at 9am-6pm. Our email address is (
They provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers:-
-Benefits And Financial Support
-Your Rights As A Carer In The Workplace
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-How To Complain Effectively And Challenge Decisions.
Best Wishes

Dear Kelly _2105
Hi. I am writing to you to give you a follow up message from my initial message to see if you are getting on okay. I would like to know whether or not you find Carers UK Forum to be beneficial and helpful for you. Please leave me a message to let me know how you are getting on.
Best Wishes

Wow, reading theses post makes me know I’m not going crazy. My situation is not a million to one, infact they seem strangely familiar. Instead of them getting more easy going and restful they get cantankerous, irritable my Mom tells my siblings I’m stealing from her. I have show her where here Money is, letting her count it, then the next day she’s asking where her purse is. I can only imagine they are in pain, frustrated and angry they can’t control their life anymore. The physical side is hard enough but when we talk about the guilt, frustration, blame. One feels angry then you remember how ill they are. My mom sits in her bed and tries to control everyone around her. She even invites people for dinner, when she can’t get out of bed.

It’s all so very SAD.
I spent all my summer holidays in Devon with my grandmother, we really enjoyed each other’s company, but gradually she developed dementia. Mum in law then developed it, and later sister in law. All three ended their days in a nursing home, sometimes it’s the only way for people to get the 24 hour supervision and care they NEED although never what anyone really wants.

Feelings will come. Look at them and let them go rather than letting them become stories. Be grateful for the relationship, many people never connect like that. Things may get tough, but do your best, that’s all. Get good sleep.