I was wondering what people’s experiences are of managing the care of a parent with a sibling?
My lovely mum sadly died last year, leaving my 78 year old dad totally devastated and struggling due to his own health problems which impede his mobility.
I have a brother, who does pitch in but I would say I am his main carer. I am there six days a week cooking, cleaning, taking him out and just generally helping him. I do work full time also.
My brother is very good and probably shares helping dad attend medical appointments 50/50. He has dad to tea once a week and pops in the evening two or three times a week for half an hour to make him a cuppa. He also works full time.
Things tick along all ok until I struggle at some point either due to illness myself or when I get overwhelmed, which I have done a couple of times since my mum died.
In those instances, I always notify my brother I’m not well so not visiting dad. I don’t ask for help or anything. It’s for info only.
Whenever i do this my brother gets very angry at me. Says I am whinging about my health. He doesn’t communicate with me if he is going to help with my dad or not. He chooses to do so or not himself. But if then, like last night dad rings me struggling and I pop around to help put him to bed (when I wasn’t going to see him as ill myself) my brother went bonkers. Texting me abuse - saying I’m treating him like an f’ing mug, making him out to be a moron, accusing me of lying about being ill. Etc etc.
Now I asked my dad if my brother was popping in so could help instead and my dad said my brother had told him he was out that night. I did what I thought was right. Tried to help and got abuse.
This has happened before when I’ve felt overwhelmed and asked my brother if we should invest in some care support. Again not asking for his direct support other than to input into decision making.
Whenever my brother helps my dad, he words it in a way like he’s doing me a favour. He said last night we are on our own now as he’s had enough - just because I popped around to help my dad to bed. From my point of view, we were on our own anyway as I do most of the day to day support for my dad.
My brother seems to resent me for anything he fees he has to do other than the norm. Even though I don’t actually ask for him to step in.
I have apologised for upsetting him last night (even though he really upset me too) and asked for a coffee to have a face to face chat. But he’s not responded.
If anyone has similar experiences I’d be interested to hear how it’s handled. I don’t want to fall out (not that I probably have a choice in it) but I don’t want to keep being spoken to poorly - this is the 5th episode since my mum died. I understand it’s a sad and stressful situation but I seem to be the scape goat every time he feels out out. It’s always me trying to smooth it over too. Even though he’s my only sibling and we used to be close, I don’t know how many out bursts o can cope with.