I know most people will say you should look forward not back but lately I seem to be regretting or feeling sad about things. May be something to do with recently having my 70th birthday.
As most on here know I have an adult daughter with learning diffs and autism. I tried so hard to help her and get her to make progress and in some ways she has but we have no luck in getting her even a part time job as her basic skills are poor. She is as bright as a button to talk to though.
When she was young a neighbour had a daughter a few years younger but they played together and she spent a lot of time round ours as her Mum left home and her Dad was an alcoholic and always smoking weed. They lived on junk food and takeaways and the only place he took her was with him to the pub. She moved away and I saw her Dad over the weekend and she is now working in forensics with the Police. I felt so jealous on hearing that although pleased she turned out well. I feel the same when friends announce yet another beautiful grandchild.
Likewise I spent 14 years caring for my elderly Mum who lived to 97 and I seem to have just lost my 60s completely. I loved my Mum and we had some great laughs and I know she would have done the same for me but I keep thinking “where did those years go?” It’s just like a blur of caring for my Mum and daughter.
Sorry to sound such a wet blanket but I feel as though my best years are over, I really do. I have spent 40 years seeing psychologists, doctors, nurses, teachers etc, taking her to private lessons, riding, swimming etc so that was my 30s and 40s, my 50s was sorting out colleges for her and starting caring for my Mum and now I look back and I wish it had been different. I know there are many on here who have even more caring roles than me, so I send kind thoughts to them.
Hugs Penny, I understand.
@Penny, sending a big hug
Hi @Penny I hear you, pulling up a virtual chair to listen more and give hugs.
You deserve to be heard and what you’re feeling is so human and real. No need to compare or judge yourself with other people’s caring roles.
Being a parent of a disabled child changes your life forever. I saw that and sort of recognised it as a child with my parents, who looked after my disabled sister. Life was never the same for them. I then confirmed it for myself when we had Mike, who has autism. And I’ve seen it working in a carers centre. Parent carers become carers of adults and often - like you - end up caring for others: your own parents, or partners. Both, even.
And often you’re the ones who get no help: treated as lacking parenting skills by professionals when your child is young, and treated as overprotective when your child has become an adult.
It’s no wonder you feel that life could have been different: it should have been. But you should also feel pride in a job fantastically well done.
I know how your feeling ,
I turned 70 this year too .
My son is 39yrs old and has severe learning disabilities and has very little speech. I still care for him 24/7 .
My husband died 5 yrs ago after a fairly long illness , he also need full time care , my mother had dementia and my sister and I tried to keep her home as long as we could , roughly 4 yrs before we had to realise when doctors said she needrd nursing care , it was a horrible decision to make to let her go into a nursing home, she passed away 4 yrs ago , all seems like yesterday.
I also feel my life has been on hold and wondering were the decades went . I know this isnt much help to you but just trying to show some empathy and show understanding with your situation .take care.
@TERESA_160112 That’s a lot of loving care you’ve done. hear you.
Hi Teresa, do you have anyone to support you in your caring role?
Are Social Services developing a transition plan for your son, looking at his future care when you are no longer in a position to provide it all?
Thank you so much Teresa. It really helps to know I am not alone. Our cases are indeed very similar.
I can’t offer you any advice because we are in a fix at the moment. Do you get any support with your son? Do you ever get a break?
Thanks again xx
Thanks Charles. I will start chanting your last sentence to myself!
I do appreciate your reply.
Hi Penny, Thankyou for your reply , Your post resonated with me as how you looked back on your life and how you see other peoples kids moving on and having relationships and families
of thier own its sad to think my son will never have that and will always have to live with strangers when Im no longer here its something I didnt think to much about when I was younger and running around trying to get help for him ., After 39yrs of careing ,especially for my son , I have been in all sorts of situations with
social workers, education, specialists of some sort , support workers ect , most of the time its just the norm for me , my son goes to daycare and I have DP for respite . I use a Special needs holiday company for respite as I was not pleased with the building based respite he attended at times . Nothing is the way I would really love it to be . I am thinking about his future and visiting a few places for him to move on too but nothing as yet has made me feel ,"yes this is the place for him " I hope you 70’s is a good time for you and you keep as healthy as you can , I know careing takes a lot out of people, take care
My situation sounds very similar. I care for my mum with Parkinson’s she is now completely housebound. I also care for my daughter who is Autistic. Although I am rapidly approaching 60-so a little younger I just feel like everything that my mum has in terms of care has been a fight and the same for my daughter. I have also struggled with my own health issues recently a worsening of a back condition which means I am struggling to do everyday tasks and I am glad I have fought to organise care for Mum-otherwise I don’t know what I would be doing right now as I can’t manage my own domestic tasks or drive. I am heading to the doctors later-but feel hopeless and tearful at the moment. It just all feels too much. My husband is working and doesn’t do domestic tasks at all. I have another daughter but she is at college and her boyfriends and although would do things if asked-never thinks about just helping-so more struggles. My Autistic daughter is such a love and both girls make me smile. If it wasn’t for them I don’t know why I would bother. When I could get out and about and take my daughter out but right now I feel useless. I can’t even bend down to put laundry on.
Gosh that does sound similar. So sorry you have a bad back too. It is very easy to overdo things but you pay for it in the end! I remember pushing my Mum around in a wheelchair while my back was niggling. I was trying to push her up a slope and a lovely man saw me struggling and pushed her for me. I could have kissed him! It’s like you keep going because you have to.
After Mum died I was out one day and was paying for a book in a shop and as I reached across to pay my back went into spasm. Tears just rolled down my face and the staff had to help me to a chair. How I got home I don’t know but I was very poorly for several weeks on strong painkillers. I am now very careful not to overdo things in case my back goes again.