Hi I’m new here and just looking for somewhere to say how hard I am finding things out loud I think.
So apologies in advance but I just need to say this somewhere.
I’m a 30ish year old who has become a carer to my husband’s older brother 1.5 years ago . He has a learning disability and autism. I became an carer after my husband’s mother and father passed away with cancer. I also have a 4 year old son, work full time as a MH nurse and am midway through a masters degree.
I have adhd and it’s likely my son does also. so a lot of juggling going on already!
It’s obviously been a devastating time for us as a family and was asked by his dad to care for him with my husband.
He now lives with us and although my husband is here he works a lot and it’s me that has to juggle most of the day to day caring. I am finding it just exhausting. My home no longer feels like a home.
Although he is very independent in some ways e.g we have been able to support him to travel independently he has a job and is linked in with mencap and activities there , there are lots of challenges. He is kind and funny at times and I used to enjoy seeing him but this has completely shifted since he moved in with us.
there have been lots of challenges that we were unaware of and that have not been addressed previously.
He is a hoarder including taking things out of the bin and at one point we found him collecting urine in glasses and he lies constantly about what he is doing where he has been and lots of things, does not care for his personal hygiene in terms of showing, changing clothes, so have to prompt him +++++ or support but then he is rude and angry and is in general very irritable.The same goes for doing things in the house he would just watch tv/ play playstation all day and not clear up after himself. He also has a big dog who now lives with us whom he cares for very well but not in terms of cleaning up the dog hair, or ensuring the dog does not smell etc. I also now have a million extra things to juggle.I do understand completely this has been a huge he challenge for him having to move into our house and am very proud of how he has adapted but feel exhausted and like i’m constantly nagging, prompting and just feel like i’m loosing patience and compassion and feel so angry and resentful at my life and then and feel so guilty as I know it’s not his fault and it’s so hard . I just feel so burnt out. I’ve completely let myself go and end up constantly dropping the ball with so much to juggle: and was something I was not the best at anyway re: my adhd) It doesn’t help we need to move as in quite a small space for us all.
I tried to get mental health support re: the hoarding but as he does not want to talk was limited to what we can do and the sessions were stopped.
I just hate being at home now and literally in the evening go to bed as soon as my son does just so I can feel like I can breathe.
I just feel like I am failing so much and feel so lonely. None of my friends etc can really understand and just say “we don’t know how you do it” or talk about how hard it is as they know they have 2 children. but it’s different they chose that I feel like I had no choice - but I also know he didn’t.
I try to talk to my husband about it but I know it’s hard for him too and he just avoids the conversation or makes me feel bad.
I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve with this post but I think just need to say this all out loud.
Does anyone else ever feel this way? Just feel like i’m failing.
Does it get better? what has helped you all?