Not sure what to do - 21 and caring for mum


i’ve spent the last hour reading through this forum and it’s so validating to hear people going though the same as me.

i’m 21, and my mum last june fell and unbeknownst to her broke her hip, was told by the doctors via 3 phone consultations it wasn’t broken and wasn’t worth an xray, fast forward and she developed a pressure sore, sepsis, blood clots, and has an inoperable broken hip until her wound has cleared.

my dad/her husband died in 2009, and I am an only child, with any other family either living far away or not available to help, therefore I am her sole carer. im a uni student who has taken the year off to help her as she is now bedbound by her hip and wound (VAC therapy). I know she will get better and back to before but I can’t cope anymore. she doesn’t like change so she didn’t have carers at ALL (meant to be coming 4x a day) until recently where she doesn’t mind them in for a few hours every so often whilst me and my bf go for a meal or something. she’s very traumatised and depressed and I really can’t take anymore responsibility for her mental health as mine is down the pan and I worry that i’ll say the wrong thing and make her worse. :frowning:( i want my life back so much, i used to be a typical social uni student and now I feel I can’t go anywhere and am on antidepressants

Niamh, welcome to the forum. What an awful situation.
The “bottom line” is that you are NOT responsible for your mum, who sounds like she is being very difficult indeed.
You must not become her slave, but need to get back to college in September knowing that she is well looked after without needing you all the time.
The NHS has seriously mucked up here, and they should be taking full responsibility for the current situation.
My husband died suddenly, on the lead up to his death the NHS had failed him miserably.
We had some “legal expenses insurance” on a Prudential home insurance policy, and another with HSBC. The bank and the Prudential between them paid for £10,000 costs.

Have the doctor or hospital admitted liability in writing?

Niamh that is a lot for you have on your shoulders.
If you have had a care needs assessment get onto them for a review - you are going back to uni
If you haven’t get them to do one as you are going back to uni
while you are doing the caring it saves them the job/the expense - don’t be left doing it

So your mother is ok now with the odd few hours of carers there, so then there is no reason not to have carers 4 x a day and start ASAP to get into the routine and for her to get used to it while you are there.

This is unfair on you, you have your studies, relationship and life and it has been paused on hold for a year, you should be returning to uni and not doing this forever. Easier for me to say from this keyboard, harder for you because it’s your mum.
Your mothers upset is understandable under the circumstances, it is dreadful she has gone through such negligence. No wonder she is traumatised and depressed from it all, but it’s her issue, has any counselling been offered to her? Can you ask for counselling for her?

Are you aware of charity sitting services? for 2-3 hours a week a person will sit with your mother so you can go out to do whatever, I am not sure if this is available for your mother when is she alone, it is worth asking, also look up befriender services - charities. They do not do any caring or medical things, but they might brew up. Sit and chat, watch tv, play cards, do a jigsaw, crochet or whatever.

Start being out more, get some air and exercise and give your mum more alone time for an hour or so at safe times of day if you can so it’s not so much of a shock when you go to uni.

Start getting things in place as soon as you can, so you can get some rest and respite before uni.

Be kind to yourself, you are human.
Be your own best friend.

Have you and mum made a formal complaint against the doctors and hospital? Have they admitted that they mis diagnosed mum?
I had to do this after my husband died.

Have a look at mum’s home insurance and car insurance, to see if she has “Legal Expenses cover”. If so, tell the insurance company what has happened and they can take it forward, and claim compensation. Their negligence may have caused life long problems, and if that is the case, then they should be caring for all the care mum needs, possibly for the rest of her life.

If you don’t have that cover, Google “Medical Negligence Claim” and see what comes up.