Not knowing what to do

So 3 years ago I gave up my full time job and brought my dad to live with myself and my daughter to look after my now 83 year old dad who has been diognised with onset dementia.
My dad has been my best friend (I’m his son 42) my entire life, I’ve looked upto him and respected him my whole life.
Recently his sister who sees him maybe twice a year called ‘Safeguard’ reporting I wasn’t looking after him right.
After a phone couple of phone calls from and to Safe guard they were more than happy thst these aligations were false and assured me I’m doing a great job.
I suppose the advise I’m after is has anyone been through this kind of thing??
And how did you deal with it.
I myself am struggling to come to terms that people can do this to a carer who’s only intentions are to make the last few years of his dad’s life the best he can.
Being a carer and seeing how your own parent is changing is hard enough but to be accused of mis-treating him is a little to much to bare.
Any Advise/Support Would Be Welcome.

Have you had a needs assessment or not? When was the last time you had me time?

Martin welcome
Sadly you cant undo what your dads sister has done! Be very proud of what you do for your dad at this most difficult time. Be proud that the safeguarding team found the accusations unfounded. Tell your aunt just that, either by mail or telephone. Then forget her, as she obviously doesn’t care very much for you or your dad. I realise this wont be easy to do. Counselling may be your way forward.
Im sorry you had to endure this, on top of what you are going through.

Hi Martin
I have heard of similar situations where a relative will complain about some trivial thing.
It sounds like you coped with this incident really well.
Hold your head up high and be proud of all what you do for your dad. You obviously have always had a close, loving relationship with dad which is priceless. Perhaps your aunt has always been jealous.

Hi Martin, welcome to the forum.
Your sister sounds horrible. How often does she have dad to care for at her home?
I think I can guess the answer!
On the forum, we call this sort of person a “helicopter”, just drop in unexpectedly, to then fly off to be seen who knows when in the future. Both my brothers were helicopters. Long story.
I know this is going to hurt, but can you tell us exactly what you were accused of?

Does anyone support you in your caring role? It’s important to look after yourself and your daughter as well as dad, so I’m wondering if you have any carers coming in so you can take a full day off, and this would give someone other than you to say how good you are at caring.

Does dad receive Attendance Allowance?
Has anyone explained to you that as he has dementia he is now exempt from Council Tax (from the day of diagnosis?)
Have you got Power of Atttorney?
Please don’t say to dad “I’ll never put you in a home” because sadly, as his needs increase, he may need a team of carers 24/7. Just accept that you may need help in your caring role so you can care for him as long as possible.


I’m so sorry too read about this- it sounds like you are doing a great job.

I also look after my father and its really hard. I have had allegations thrown at me - slightly different but still very hurtful : lots of nasty comments including the inference that I only cared for him for his pension. It was utterly ridiculous - it costs me far more to look after him (travel costs , taking unpaid time from work , buying him food, talking him out, missing out on friendships, holidays etc) than his state pension could ever amount to. His pension goes on Bills and food as it should- I have not taken a penny from him but the carer who made the comments wouldn’t know as I try to keep her away from his finances. The comments were absurd and came from a carer who was actually consistently asking my father for money but ridiculous though they were they really, really hurt. They also made me feel very vulnerable and as if everything I did was being critiqued and scrutinised and that I had no support. My father agreed to install cameras in his flat so that we had evidence in the future of what was really happening but his landlord isn’t keen…

I thought I was going to have a breakdown (too much time on my own with thoughts running through my head?). I did go and see my GP and she prescribed medication but I’m not sure that was helpful. I mnade an extra effort to go out and see friends (people who really know me - perhaps spend some more time with your daughter doing something fun? Be kind to yourself). Initially it impacted upon my father - I simply couldn’t see him I felt too upset but then I decided that once he has gone I will never see the person who made the comments again. I then increased the time I spent with my father. I love him so much as it is clear you love your father.

I hope you don’t mind me saying all of this. I just wanted you to know that you are n to alone - unfortunately as carer it seems we are very vulnerable to accusations. It is so very hard - please do be kind to yourself, know that you are doing a good job and that people care for you. It sounds like whoever has made the allegations clearly has a problem and their own issues to deal with. I am sorry you are going through this.

Hi Martin
In my opinion, being a carer for my severely depressed husband, 24/7, 52 weeks a year, for the past 3 years, there is always someone who, often for what they think are perfectly good reasons, feels that they know better than you, that a situation should be handled differently, and that you aren’t handling the caring role as you should.
Such persons, be it a relative or friend, (loved the term used earlier ‘helicopters’) just can’t understand or know what it’s like to be a full time carer, know how frustrating, sad, stressful and exhausting that role is, and often feel they have to blame someone and the easiest person to attack is the carer.
In my case, my husbands family, overstepped the mark, involved themselves in taking over my husbands treatment plan, excluding me, supposedly under the justification that I had said I was finding it very difficult to cope and had had enough. There was no discussion on how they could help or support, just attempts and interference, lots of hurtful comments and criticism made, both verbal and written and the result was I was left, still the only full time support and carer, utterly stressed, upset and questioning everything I thought I was doing right. I just couldn’t get over the fact that they had treated me in such a way, and every waking moment was obsessing on them and their negative comments. In the end I went to see a Therapist and have cut them out of my life as much as I can, although still encouraging my husband to keep in contact with them.
Don’t let your relation’s actions and comments affect you - you are doing an amazing job, in difficult circumstances to the best of your ability and should be proud of what you are doing. Be kind to yourself and make sure that you don’t lose sight of yourself. You are certainly not the only one who has experienced this.

I find this quite disturbing: it means that they have taken Martin’s word over his Aunt’s.

How can they tell with a phone call which one is telling porkies?