I have looked out for my mother since my father died 34yrs ago. She built an annexe on my house 16yrs ago & came to live here. My 2 children were born now 18 & 20. Divorced 13yrs ago. 10 years ago she started numerous illnesses & subsequently had cyst on spine & needed pain injection in theatre every 4 months. She could barely walk. She moved into a room downstairs. Meanwhile 5yrs ago my ex had an accident & resulted in him becoming paraplegic. I visited him in hospital with my children every Sunday - he had no other relatives or close friends nearby. I helped pack up his flat for sale, deal with paperwork & generally give support on every aspect. I have helped him achieve independent living, fight a legal case & move into a lovely new home suitable for his needs. My mother & brother did not agree with me giving him support.
My mother has subsequently had hip replacement, pacemaker, thalamic stroke, has high BP, though happily cyst seems to have disappeared.
During all this my children have had numerous health difficulties, some only just being addressed now that I have more time for support. My mother only agreed to having carers 2 years ago.
My only brother who has one son a lot older has distanced himself from me, but visited my mother weekly over the past 2 years. He retires this month & tells my daughter he is going abroad for 5 years. My sister in law
I feel mentally & physically abandoned by my brother & mentally exhausted after coping through very difficult times. I also have run a B&B business from home in order to support my family.
I am left feeling unable to come to terms with my brother’s abandonment, which my mother condones. “It is a daughter’s duty to look after her mother”.
I have suggested nursing homes for my mother but as she is mentally ok at 94 & owns the annexe in which she lives I can do nothing.
Although I have indicated I am not prepared to take sole responsibility for my mother & therefore cannot give care if my mother condones my brother going abroad, I remain on the spot in the event of emergencies. My mother has a long history of emergency admissions.
Sorry for this long story, but I am struggling to cope mentally & emotionally with everything.
Hey well done for posting - welcome! You have so much going on. I have to go to work, but didn’t want to read and run.
It is not “a daughter’s duty to care” Ignore that. You have spent a lot of time caring for other’s. Now what do you want? You are important too. You don’t have to care for your Mum.
Have you been able to speak to your brother about your feelings?
Have you had any therapy - could be useful to help you come to terms with your brother’s behaviour and also the trauma you have been through? Make an appointment with your GP. There is often a long waiting list for face to face therapy, but you might be able to get some online help in the meantime? Ultimately you can’t control what your brother does, but you can control the way you react to it and your own feelings. Perhaps starting thinking about yourself more would also help?
I was exhausted just reading your message, you have been an absolute star to all your loved ones, and should be commended for it. You have become, I suspect, what I call a Clapped Out Carer. You’ve done too much for too long and now have nothing to give anyone.
I’ve news for your mum. No one can be forced to care for anyone else, not even a wife for a husband!!
If mum owns the annexe, she should be IN THE ANNEXE not in a downstairs room in your house. (I’m not an expert on legal matters, was this all sorted our formally with a solicitor dealing with the deeds of the house?)
As it is an annexe, then she can, and should be independent of you. Either she has carers, or she moves into residential care.
Forget about your brother, he will only disappoint you forever. That’s my experience anyhow. I’m much happier now I don’t have any contact with mine.
How old are you? When did you last have a holiday on your own, or with your chldren, without mum?!
Is she claiming Attendance Allowance?
Hi Tessa
When you say that Mum owns the annex, do you mean that she just paid for it to be built or did you involve a solicitor?
Who owns the land underneath the annex? Is it part of your estate (house and garden) or did mum buy that too?
If you still own the land then you are her landlord and she should have been paying you land rent since she moved in.
If you have any paperwork from when the annex was built I’d dig it out and read carefully. If it was all informal then I’d involve a solicitor ASAP. For example what happens if Mum dies and leaves the annex to your brother? What happens if you need/wish to sell your house and move elsewhere? If Mum eventually has to move into care would the annex be considered part of her estate and therefore possibly sold to pay for her care fees?
What seemed to be an ideal solution once, might cause you all sorts of headaches in the future. I found this site but it doesn’t describe your situation. Might help a little. lhttps://hoa.org.uk/advice/guides-for-homeowners/i-am-buying/leasehold-v-freehold-whats-the-difference/
That ‘daughter’s duty’ idea of Mum’s is very old fashioned and has no basis in law at all. As previously mentioned no-one is obliged to care for another [/b]adult. Not parent or spouse, not adult child or distant relative.
In times past the unmarried daughter, newly widowed niece or anyone available was expected to move in and care for the elderly parent in return for a roof over their heads. It was never a law, just an expectation, now outdated.
Of course SS are delighted if you do but it is not your duty or your responsibility however much people try to convince you it is.
If you take that fact on board then it gives you a platform to stand on. Your brother is putting himself first. He is quite within his rights to do so, as you are too. It’s disappointing and upsetting but you must look out for yourself and your family as he is doing. Accept it and move on as it’s not worth stressing about on top of everything else.
Has Mum had a Needs Assessment recently ? If she refuses you are still entitled to a carer’s assessment for yourself. If Mum is claiming AA you can claim Carer’s allowance I believe. I’m not knowledgeable in that area but there is loads of information on this site and on the internet.
Channel all the energy you are wasting on fretting about your brother into making future plans with the idea of lessening your caring responsibilities while still overseeing Mum’s care but from a step back.
Do come back with questions and problems.
KR
Hi Tessa
When you say that Mum owns the annex, do you mean that she just paid for it to be built or did you involve a solicitor?
Who owns the land underneath the annex? Is it part of your estate (house and garden) or did mum buy that too?
If you still own the land then you are her landlord and she should have been paying you land rent since she moved in.
If you have any paperwork from when the annex was built I’d dig it out and read carefully. If it was all informal then I’d involve a solicitor ASAP. For example what happens if Mum dies and leaves the annex to your brother? What happens if you need/wish to sell your house and move elsewhere? If Mum eventually has to move into care would the annex be considered part of her estate and therefore possibly sold to pay for her care fees?
What seemed to be an ideal solution once, might cause you all sorts of headaches in the future. I found this site but it doesn’t describe your situation. Might help a little. lhttps://hoa.org.uk/advice/guides-for-homeowners/i-am-buying/leasehold-v-freehold-whats-the-difference/
That ‘daughter’s duty’ idea of Mum’s is very old fashioned and has no basis in law at all. As previously mentioned no-one is obliged to care for another adult.Not parent or spouse, not adult child or distant relative.
In times past the unmarried daughter, newly widowed niece or anyone available was expected to move in and care for the elderly parent in return for a roof over their heads. It was never a law, just an expectation, now outdated.
Of course SS are delighted if you do but it is not your duty or your responsibility however much people try to convince you it is.
If you take that fact on board then it gives you a platform to stand on. Your brother is putting himself first. He is quite within his rights to do so, as you are too. It’s disappointing and upsetting but you must look out for yourself and your family as he is doing. Accept it and move on as it’s not worth stressing about on top of everything else.
Has Mum had a Needs Assessment recently ? If she refuses you are still entitled to a carer’s assessment for yourself. If Mum is claiming AA you can claim Carer’s allowance I believe. I’m not knowledgeable in that area but there is loads of information on this site and on the internet.
Channel all the energy you are wasting on fretting about your brother into making future plans with the idea of lessening your caring responsibilities while still overseeing Mum’s care but from a step back.
Do come back with questions and problems.
KR
I appreciate your thoughts. Our house is owned tenants in common which is meant to reflect my mother’s contribution to the annexe. I believe it cannot be sold whilst I remain in occupancy, but I may be corrected on that. I can, however, offer her my share if I wish to sell. If she does not accept, the property can be sold. That is my understanding. I have no intention of selling!
It is an interesting point that you have raised though about the annexe being considered part of her estate. In effect what has happened is that her share of the whole house becomes considered as part of her estate. Yes I do need to do more research on that & be sure of my facts. My mother bought a flat 20 years ago which she shares half ownership with my brother in order to compensate him, for leaving the annexe to me in her Will. That flat is rented out.
One of my main issues is that when I told my brother I could not accept sole care of Mum, he sent an email saying that I have not liked him for 15 years. That he has never come across anyone who is not willing to hold a discussion like me (I spent years trying to get him to sit down & listen to me when things were at their worst - in order to cope about 3 years ago I decided I had to withdraw emotionally from my brother, so I have deliberately kept away when he sits down for tea & cake most Sundays). Before my ex- had his accident, I used to cook a full roast dinner every Sunday in which my brother & his son were always included (& never did any washing up - always ‘on their way home’!). If I didn’t like him it would have been strange to entertain him! Its all so ridiculous. I believe he is making out that I didn’t like him in order to feel better about leaving now. He also says that I have no proper interests and do not take regular breaks. I enjoy swimming which I have just got back to, but have not found it easy to take time out for many years. I have taken one or both of my daughters abroad every year on holiday. It is the total lack of empathy over the years and now accusations pointed at me by my own brother who is the person in the best position to lend support that I find most distressing. Also the fact that my mother condones his departure. You are right, I cannot waste any more emotional energy on this, and have made a concerted effort not to, but have failed dismally. It is my brother’s 65th birthday on Monday, and he wishes to have a celebratory dinner out with us. I am not sure what to do, because if I don’t attend I am showing a poor example to my children of how families should stand together. We have always been a close family in the past. If I do attend I will not enjoy the occasion given everything that has gone before … evidently I am feeling pretty tearful most days at the moment and need to somehow feel stronger again …
It is an interesting point that you have raised though about the annexe being considered part of her estate. In effect what has happened is that her share of the whole house becomes considered as part of her estate. Yes I do need to do more research on that & be sure of my facts. My mother bought a flat 20 years ago which she shares half ownership with my brother in order to compensate him, for leaving the annexe to me in her Will. That flat is rented out.
I strongly recommend bouncing that aspect off AGE UK for their expert option in various scenarios :
Always best to have matters clear cut and watertight rather than rely on what you think is the position … against all interested
parties … including the TaxMan and a LA if a future move into a care / nursing home is the only real alternative ?
Yup, I’m a clapped out carer. That is pretty much how I feel - nothing left to give anyone. I’ve been through so many emergencies and balanced so many difficult situations for so many years, without support, that I have been left feeling traumatised even though at the moment my mother is in relatively good health. Over the past 2 years we have acquired good support from carers, who come in for 4hrs in the week & 1.5hrs each day at the weekend. Since she had a pacemaker I have also had a stairlift installed & she has returned to her upstairs bedroom.
I am 60 this year and am working my way through the jungle that is pensions. My youngest has finished A levels & could be off to Uni, results dependent. My eldest remains at home.
Happily I have an annual holiday booked for next week & will be away for the first time for 2 weeks, so life is not all bad.
I haven’t been able to talk to my brother as he simply criticises me, which makes the whole situation worse for me. I told him straight I could not accept sole care for her. He spoke to my mother suggesting Care Home, but she said she was not ready.
My GP passed me details for self referral to a counsellor. I cried through most of the first appointment, so not very productive, & am awaiting a follow up. Is there any other particular therapy you would recommend? Psychologist? - psychotherapy? I have already withdrawn from my mother’s care, ie. checking on her before bedtime to ensure she has had meds & breakfast time at weekends, as part of the situation with my brother’s decision, though if she has a bleed I will of course be on the spot & cannot ignore a request for assistance. She is on blood thinner meds so bleeds well and skin tears easily, also has nosebleeds sometimes.
If Continuing Healthcare had the possibility that it could lead to untrained carers being funded for keeping mother in the best health possible, which is what they do, then this would be helpful, ie. if mother was given her own budget to spend as she sees fit. We would not wish to change carers, so if CH imposes for example agency care, this would not work for us.
The very essence of CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare is specialised nurses / carers … either in a nursing home approved
by the CHC or at home ( Hence the reference to Pointon ).
Said care is FREE.
By the sound of it , nowhere near that stage … yet ?
Not sure. When health is poor, I certainly feel the need for specialised nursing care for her, when I am dealing with things beyond my remit. Her wish is to be nursed at home. I have become knowledgeable as a result of years of experience and have passed on that knowledge to her carers. I realise it doesn’t replace full training, but I have worked closely with the GP and learnt on the job, as doubtless others do too. Answer is that currently no nursing care needed, but when the Autumn comes & winter time illnesses, she usually needs a fairly high level of care. Any infection on the chest usually leads to breathing problems & hospital admission. We are not permitted to have oxygen at home & this can be quite stressful when she struggles for breath & ambulance wait is often several hours. We live in a small village out of town.