Initially concentrate on the carer doing “housework” jobs to save you doing them, and you can say to the carer how wonderful it is for you. Also make sure she makes the wife a cuppa and sandwich or similar, if she likes one. My mum was very resistant, but the girls who cared for her were very pleasant and she enjoyed being able to have female company.
If the carer is helping with housework, perhaps get them to invite your wife’s input into what they are doing so she feels involved and not ‘pushed aside’. It’s one thing for you to do jobs, but you know how she likes things done. Also while the carer is working encourage them to chat with your wife (as long as that’s not all they do!) - perhaps after making her a cuppa - so your wife sees the person as ‘company’ and ‘fresh conversation’.
Well done for persevering. I am sure it will help both of you in the long run.
Good point Chris. We all have our own favourite pieces of equipment to do various jobs, and our favourite cleaning cloths etc.
@Noddir Hi, I remember & rechecked you were saying your wife has advanced stages of parkinsons…if it’s not too much to share - does this mean she has some cognitive issues associated to the condition…also sometimes medication can ‘discombobulate’ character…making people fearful and worried…which could be culminating in her resistance. Fearing strangers, showing weakness or for some women-suffers if they’re not looking ‘decent in public’ can make them feel vulnerable and exposed…all depending on her usual pre-Parkinsons character, and layered on top the impact and effects of the condition…
Small-step introductions, or reassurance or discussing her passion topics of conversation - nature?animals? sewing? old nostalgia topics of celebrities or films or places?..things to ‘warm’ her to the new person…ohhh just saw @Chris_22081 point…agree
What worked well with my Dad was to emphasise that the carer support was really for mum’s benefit - for her to have a break…similarly you can highlight your need for a break, a little guilt complexing can go a long way…and it’s true!
let us know how you get on
Thank you. This is all most useful info & advice.
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Hello Noddir
Over coming resistance.
Please discard as an autumn leaf 
if this idea feels not for you.
I think it is our responsibility sometimes as carers to believe that our caree will be fine with others caring.
To give confidence to caree that we know they can be flexible.
Perhaps they feel less guilt, they feel better about themselves as they know they have been brave and given their carer a break.
Just an idea
Warmly Ula
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My thoughts entirely. Thanks for the positive reinforcement.
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2 days in to regular care. 9-5. Very traumatic for first day. Slightly less so for the second. I’m not sure this is the right way to go? Seems very intrusive having a ‘stranger’ in the house all this time. Might have gone in for too much to start with.
I can cancel the package without penalty for the first 14 days so we have another week to assess things. Thinking that perhaps finding an ad hoc person just to cover when myself, our son or another relative can’t be here might be a better way or should I persevere with the 3 full days that I have arranged with the care company? Would welcome any thoughts. Funding is not an issue incidentally.
Hi Victoria.
Your insight is spot on. Thanks.
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How many hours per day are you having at the moment?
Try to think of what you need, and what your wife needs. Needs, not wants.
You need to have some time off to go shopping without worrying about getting home, someone who can run errands, do so cleaning and tidying up, put the washing on etc.
I’m a great fan of lists.
Write down the jobs you do, then put them in priority of the ones you hate most.
Those should be done by the carer, not you.
Contrary to popular belief, no one can be forced to care, not even a wife for a husband.
Is the carer clearing up behind her and leaving the room tidy?
Putting everything in the bin?
Putting dirty washing in the machine?
@Noddir
I had heartfelt empathy thuds when I read your update. Thanks for sharing and keep us posted.
I know all too well what it’s like to invest the time, heart and stress into having strangers come in and help. BUT this is a real support having people to help. Please don’t cancel the package…my recommendation is to alter the timetable and planning. Here’s some thoughts for you to reflect on…
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if you have managed to identify what YOU feel is good support e.g. people listen to you, are gently and caring not transactional with you and your wife, are focused on helping and not ‘just finishing the job’. These are gems and will be heart-relief for you, a change in energy as you build relations and practical care-support of your wife who as you said, has declining health.
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consecutive days and 3 in a row all day 9-5 can be intense…take @bowlingbun questions and perhaps think about how you’d LIKE to construct your days. As funding is not an issue, you have the flexibility and blank-page to plan out what could a ‘good day’ look like. KNOWING which days, and when you can go out, or PLAN ahead is a big big thing to be able to have…Can’t stress this enough. In the worst worst times, I still had 1 hour each day to myself to walk to the gym, run for 20mins and go to the supermarket and get bk. I felt big guilts at first but then in hindsight this was how I survived, literally. So - plan the day for her care AND for your care…1 day on 1 day off? Half days every other day for specific tasks? bathtime +mealtime.?
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I feel I must say this…so please forgive the pragmatism and sad-truths here…please don’t place more expectations on yourself, your son or any other relatives. You need more support. Things will get tougher and harder and allowing a stranger (especially if they’re available and good!) to be the objective, independent, support enables each of you to ‘just be’ the husband, son, relative…believe me, that NOT having those opportunities can discombobulate grief. Perhaps with the Parkinsons you’re already experiencing some ‘early grief’ of the person you’ve lost and the character that’s here now…this is normal, heart-tearing…even more reason to keep the support
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Making extra efforts to have a stranger come in, investing time and doing things is stressful and can be exhausting…at the start but can become ‘normalised’ and part of the routine fairly quickly. E.g.my Dad slept in a bed downstairs when we managed to get overnight care and it took me and hour to set up each time with all his ‘bits’ that he needed and then cajole him into accepting it took several hours and then still with passive aggressive compliance!..but even if I only got 3 hours of proper light sleep, it lessened the hypervigilance…and was SOOOO worth it
so long text and a lot but felt I needed to share…and I’m still drinking my first coffee of the day 
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Wonderful words. Many thanks. I’ll persevere and try to come to a compromise with maybe less days & hours for now. I love to ride my bike and went out for a good ride whilst carer was in yesterday but all the time I was away I felt like a naughty schoolboy playing truant.
Thanks again.
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@Noddir Phew, exhale - thanks for your response…I try to be careful when sharing the hard truths that can hurt, but I’m never sure how the words will be received…
So glad to hear you got some fresh air and enjoyed the bike ride…to be honest the guilt never really goes away, but we can CHOOSE to still go out, accept that’ll happen and still move through it…
Be kind and compassionate with yourself, as if you were a child needing love too …give yourself a hug…sometimes we don’t know how tense and ‘holding it altogether’ we are until we explode…
I’ve said several times in the forum - I murdered many pillows punching with frustration borne of guilt or extreme grief/hurt…they’re very flat now! Any movement helps expel bursting-feelings…
Oh and another tip…share all this with a couple of trusted close friends and your family, bringing them on the journey to understand can help pre-empt well-intentioned, but nonsensical ‘recommendations’ later…Care-splaining is a thing we’ve all encountered… I used to send blanket emails to my closest friends - catharsis and update…I’m sure the prayers and karma I received I return helped us!
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When you start getting the “naughty schoolboy” feeling, it’s only because you have become so accustomed to thinking about your wife’s needs so much, that your own needs have been squeezed out completely.
Remember Needs, not wants. You NEED to get out. escape, ride your bike to blow the cobwebs away and burn away all the feelings of …
How many of your friends are carers? I’m sure you must be doing more than anyone else, so dump the guilt. Replace it with sadness. I have a good friend I met at school aged 12, so we have been mates for 60 years. We even did our degrees as mature students together. I’m a widow, disabled, son with severe learning difficulties. After a car accident and cancer and other issues my health isn’t good. My friend is living the life I had expected, at times that really, really hurts, but I won’t let those feelings spoil our relationship as we get on so well. It’s not fair, but life isn’t fair. All I can do is to make the very best of what I have, and I’m grateful for many things.
Acknowledge that life is unfair, rather than be in a state of denial - that’s hard work long term.
Enjoy your bike rides with a CLEAR conscience, you are doing your best. No one can ask for more than that.
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Thanks for the kind words. It really helps.
Richard.
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I spent a lot on counselling but it really helped.
Eventually, I even managed to get it funded by Social Services as part of my Carers Support Plan !!!
@Noddir I have been through similar feelings of ‘guilt’ if I have gone out enjoying myself for a short while and then come home to find G is miserable or in a ‘flap’ cos he panicked over where I was (even if I have told him and explained what time I would be home!). It’s something I have been trying to work on and slowing getting there so I am not tied to a strict time quite as much. I still get the ‘oh I had to lie down as I didn’t feel well and didn’t want you to find me collapsed on the floor’ comments, but manage mostly to brush that off by saying “OK well done then. At least you are thinking sensibly!”… It’s SO HARD BUT you need to protect yourself by taking these short breaks - for your own sanity.
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You cannot care or even organise care for your wife if you are not healthy - and this includes emotional health so please get out as and when you can. I struggle with guilt too as husband sulks dreadfully when I go out even though I compromise and only go to local places where I can get back easily. Plus I have supportive friends who have offered to drive me home in an emergency. To be blunt, I was sinking into clinical depression before I started to ‘carve out’ a life of my own and then would have been no use whatsoever to husband or myself.
You really do NEED to put yourself first to enable you to support and arrange support for your wife. If your rolls were reversed, surely you would want your wife to have some ‘me’ time and ‘quality of life’ away from caring?
Thanks for all the advice. I am quite a fan of the book ‘selfish pigs guide to caring’ by Hugh Marriot. I know I should look after myself but knowing what should be done & making it happen then dealing with the guilt are two different things.
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@Noddir, once you start trusting the paid carers and it becomes routine that they are there on certain days and times and have set tasks to do - having time out for yourself will became more ‘normal’. Stick with it and you will get to the point when you leave the house, exhale, your shoulders will drop and you will relax knowing that the next few hours someone else is taking over the responsibility.
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