Hello, I’m a single man in his 50’s and I’m considering moving in with my elderly parents who are both in their late 80’s. Although they can just about look after themselves they can’t maintain the house, inside or out. They want to stay in their house as long as they can. I would like to be able to help them, but I live with depression, anxiety and loneliness. I think living with my parents would help relieve the worst of my mental health problems. I’d be interested to hear from anyone who has moved in with parents late in life and find out how it affected them mentally.
Hi Stuart,
I wanted to wish you a warm welcome to the forum! Just thought id give you a few links pertaining to mental health and caring, if you do indeed decide to move in with your mum and dad.
Health & Wellbeing - Your health and wellbeing | Carers UK
Finding local support where you live - Support where you live | Carers UK
Useful directory for anyone seeking help on a host of conditions including mental health / alcohol / drug / abuse / self harm etc
Hope all turns out for the best!
Hi Stuart,
are your parents good company?
You might feel less lonely living with them, however a lot of carers say their mental health suffers as a result of caring as it can be isolating and only current/past carers understand what it is really like.
Do you currently rent or own where you are living? What about your parents? I’m asking as some carers have found themselves potentially homeless, when caring ends.
Melly1
I would never suggest this. As they get worse, you will be doing more and more and more, just as you are getting older and slower yourself. Try to manage their care rather than provide their care. Now some questions I’m afraid. Are you an only child?
Do they own or rent the house?
Have over £46,000 in savings yes/no?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Are they both claiming Attendance Allowance?
Thanks for the replies. I’m renting at the moment. But I’m in a position to buy a property - 1 option would be to buy my parents house from them if they need to go into care in the future. I don’t have any other family or close friends and I feel like I’d like to spend as much time as I can with my parents while I’ve still got them. When they are gone I’ll have no one.
Hi Stuart,
Then, it sounds like you have nothing to lose.
Melly1
How old are you?
This is really important!
Hi Stuart and welcome.
Could you come and stay with them for a month or so before you make any big decisions. This would give you some idea as to what it would be like caring for your parents full time.
They are in their late 80s - so it is important to realise that they won’t be as capable as they are now during the next few years. They will rely on you a lot more.
I look after my mum (age 90) and she would happily sit back and let me do everything for her! So if you do decide to move in with them then I would recommend you work out a timetable so that you get 1 or 2 days off each week so that you get some time to yourself. It’s important to realise that caring is all year round, including Bank holidays and weekends.
Another idea is that you could buy a house very near to them so that you still have your own place but you can visit and help your parents whenever you like.
As you are in your 50’s, if you live with them when you reach 60, then the value of the house will not be considered. If you own a portion of the house, it won’t be considered either, because you can’t sell half a house. I’m in the process of rearranging my affairs. Would your parents “sell” you part of the house now, in return for you doing some work on the house? If that sounds interesting, consult a lawyer.
Hello, Stuart. I entirely endorse Karen’s post - some excellent advice there.
You may well enjoy your parents’ company, but I recommend you try to find some club or society of mutual interests where you can meet people and make friends. I would recommend this to anyone, including people living with relatives.
I presume you are still working. Make sure you are not taking on too much, or your mental issues will be compounded. I hope you are taking medical advice or counselling regarding your depression and anxiety problems.
You are considering buying your parents’ house when they go into care (your words, my emboldening). If you do this, you will effectively be putting money into their bank account, which will be used to pay for their care. Just something to bear in mind.
Thank you, Denis - lovely to get some positive feedback.
Denis has put another slant on my suggestion, that you buy part of the house now as a reward for doing some work on the house, not giving them money. It means that before they go into a home, you have secured it for your future, no need to buy all of it, just a portion. I’ve taken extensive legal advice on all this. You do need to go and see a solicitor aware of all the rules of care home charging, not the average high street lawyer.
If one parent is in care, the other stays home, it won’t be counted as an asset.
Once you are 60, it won’t be counted either IF you are living there.
Under these circumstances, it may be better to move in with them.
Thanks again for all the really helpful advice. I think buying a house near to my parents is probably a good option but it will take time to find somewhere. As for what happens when I reach 60, I’m only in my early fifties so I think it’s likely both my parents will have passed by then. In some ways I feel a bit selfish even considering moving in with my parents as my main motivation for doing so would be to help me combat my loneliness. If I didn’t have mental health problems I doubt I would be considering it.
Hello again, Stuart. There is nothing selfish about trying to resolve your lonliness problem, especially if you are supporting your parents at the same time.
On a point of slight caution - if you were to “buy” your parents’ house or a portion of it, then if in a few years you decided this was not the best arrangement and wanted to move out, your parents might be unwilling or unable to “buy back” the house. Don’t get trapped in an unsatisfactory housing situation, as others on this Forum have.
To buy a house near your parents sounds a good arrangement. It would give you the opportunity to visit your parents and enjoy their companionship as often as you liked, but remain in control of present and future situations.