Hi, I’m also quite new to this forum and have found it hard to know what to share. So here goes…I was a carer for 2 relatives both with MH issues and then dementia. Not easy as caring eventually destroyed my mental health. Happily I’m back on an even keel with a great deal of professional help. But…… my husband (5yrs younger than me) has arthritis in both knees and probably elsewhere. He has stuck his head in the sand and after the initial diagnosis refuses to return to the gp to sort out a pain management plan. He is also v obese which he refuses to address. My worry is that I can feel I am being sucked into a vortex where I am expected to shoulder his refusal to accept responsibility and also completely adapt my life. He has ASD traits so communication is extremely difficult as he cannot see another point of view except his own. I am keeping my head above water but am reaching the point of loneliness because his favourite pastime is watching tv in silence. I encourage him to come out for a weekly walk with me but he now finds the “wheelchair” friendly paths too hard. Has anyone any suggestions or strategies on how I can approach this so that my MH doesn’t plummet again but still support his choice to pretend nothing is wrong?
I would suggest some counselling to help you “manage” your husband. I have also been a multiple carer, ultimately it killed my husband - he had a massive heart attack and died in his sleep. I ended up in a bad way too, then three months after my husband died I had a car accident that ruined my knees forever. 5 years later I had replacements and can walk pain free again. My counsellor taught me how to side step things my housebound mum “saved” for me. Also that we can’t control anyone else, but we can control our response to various things. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness. We cannot make other people happy, and are not responsible for the happiness of others. I’d been brainwashed into thinking that it was my duty to help others, all my life. Being told that I had every right to put myself ahead of others to do something I liked doing was quite life changing, although I feel a bit pathetic saying that! I love my family, but every so often I go away for a bit of “self care”. I’m just home from 2 weeks in Crete. Bliss. If your husband doesn’t want to go out, just watch TV, let him get on with it, but that does NOT mean that you can’t go out, join clubs, go for a walk, or have fun.
@Rose1 Welcome Rose - sending hugs and empathy
Thanks for sharing your situation with us. I’m going to ask for Melly’s help to ensure other people see your post before I reply more
@Melly1 Could you split @Rose1 s post into a unique post so others can respond more easily & directly? I can’t remember how to do it or if I can!
Welcome Rose. I can relate to your post because my husband is much older and is 84, and medically non compliant. He too does not want to socalise. I totally agree with BB that you MUST start to make a life of your own and work towards establishing a social life independent of your husband if he wont join you.
I love reading and got involved in a Book Club back in 2015 which I chair. I am also an Admin of a social group. My husband does not like me going out and I try to compromise by being out for shortish periods of an hour and a half. TBH not too happy about leaving him alone as yesterday he left the cooker on.
I also agree that counselling may help and is worth looking into. It is well worth doing some research and finding out what is available in your local area. Also what social events are happening. Tomorrow I will be out for around 2 hours as going with my social group to the local Macmillan coffee morning at my local pub.
Heya.
This is my advice. This is why you must keep getting out of the house into the community in order to have me time. Best of luck. Even a hour at a local supermarket doing a food shop or time to eat a meal still counts at the end of the day. Find ways to build me time into your daily life. You will be all the more happier afterwards believe me. There are so many ways to have me time. Here are some of my favourite ideas.
Go to watch a film or read a book at your local library
Sleep or take a shower on your own
Draw something with your bedroom door shut for a while
Sing whilst you are home alone
Have a coffee
Meet a friend in town for a chat and so on
Attend a church service
Hear the birds in a park on a walk
Collect flowers
Visit a museum
Learn a new skill
Thank you for all of your ideas and encouragement, just what I needed.
Dear Rose1
Hi there. I am Kristie and I am an online community host for Carers UK. I would like to say welcome to the forum and I hope you find the forum to be useful, beneficial, caring and supportive. You are not alone on the forum and I am sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and will offer you support. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibilities challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and unable to attend social groups etc.
Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers and you can find the information on how to register at: Care for a Cuppa:-https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/online-meet ups. Share and Learn is a weekly online event for carers and it comes up Carers Scotland you just move the click to where it says UK the website address is:-https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/online-sessions.
Our telephone number is 0808 808 7777 and is open to ring from Monday to Friday from 9am-6pm and our email address is (advice@carersuk.org).
They provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers:-
-Beneficial and Financial Support
-Your rights as a carer in the workplace
-Carers Assessments and how to get support in your caring role
-Services Available to carers and the people you care for
-How To complain effectively and challenge decisions.
Best Wishes
Kristie