New to this forum as a carer for my wife

Hi there. My name is Kiffer, I have been caring for my wife since 2014 when she had 3 strokes in that year. She is also suffering from a memory problem.
Most days I can manage well, but some days I get very short tempered and tend to snap a bit.
I used to have a part time job which gave me some respite, but I had to give it up due to my wife’s health deteriorating.
I have joined this group hoping that there are people that can give me some advice!
Thanks for reading.



Hi Kiffer
Welcome! Heartfelt empathy to you & your wife. You’ll discover a wealth of advice and experience in this online community - and a lot of comic relief in the roll-call posts!

I started helping my Mum look after my Dad in 2015, and became the primary caregiver for my Dad when Mum was diagnosed with cancer. Dad had several transient ischaemic attacks; small strokes due to congestive heart failure, then cancer and he was diagnosed with vascular dementia, so I hope I can offer some food for thought that will help/resonate. I look after my Mum 24/7 since my Dad passed in 2020

We all have those days when we’re tired, run ragged, worrying and trying to be everything and still share our love but end up getting snappy and then feeling guilty about it and feeling worse and worse. Those negative cycles are grinding and wearisome. Pls remember you’re doing the best you can. We tend to forget that when our love has such high standards that we want to live up to. When I feel that wave of frustration and inner bad talk coming on, I leave the room and try to count to 10 and take deep breaths…I don’t always catch myself in time but when I do, I know it works well and I figuratively pat myself on the back…none of us are perfect, we are very human;-)

May I ask if there’s some specific advice or thoughts you’d like to share/vent/soundboard on?
Believe me there’s nothing too small or too big and no reason to hold back here!
warm wishes


Hi Kiffer and welcome to the Forum. It’s good to have you aboard and well done for posting.

I care for my husband who suffered a stroke at New Year 2020/21. That resulted in us having to close our business in short time without the chance to sell it and end up with his State Pension and Benefits.

Since then he has had a series of medical issues cascading down. Prostate Cancer diagnosed last December and responding well to treatment (that had caused major issues with continence). The latest issue is Retinal Haemorrhage which has require laser treatment and now eye surgery in two weeks time.

Plenty of people on here are happy to chat and exchange views and advice and info so it’s a great source of support.

I know how you feel with getting short tempered I think we have probably all been through that!

Others will undoubtedly chip in shortly and you might like to check the “Roll Call” which is a new thread each month and is described as ‘A chat over the garden fence’. If you check out the July/August Roll Call you’ll get an idea - silliness abounds but there is also serious support.


Hi @Kiffer - welcome!

I also care for my wife, following a spinal cord injury in 2014. We both took early “retirement” a couple of years ago, and although I certainly miss the job, I wouldn’t want to go back to all that stress!

Take a good look around the forum and I look forward to seeing you on “Roll Call.”

Tell us more. Welcome aboard. There is roll call. Feel free in order to post there. Best wishes.

Hello I care for my 84 year old husband. You have all my sympathy and if I were to give you any advice, it would be to be kind to yourself. If you can get out of the house, even for short periods then do so.

There is a lot of support on Roll Call and we all have ‘good days and bad days’ and wont judge. Caring is sheer hell and you really do need all the support you can get, and sadly only people who have done it long term really understand.


Morning and welcome
I used to care for my late husband who suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues. His changes in personality when going through different phases were very difficult to cope with. I learned to treasure the good times. He eventually went into a nursing home. Had no choice sadly. There my family and myself were care managers, making sure his needs were met.
Don’t beat yourself up about being short tempered. It’s very difficult to watch a loved one change so much. Most people I feel learn to take a deep breath and walk away to calm down.
Are you getting any help and time for yourself. That’s important.


Be kinder to yourself, you are human and these feelings are entirely understandable.
Start thinking about what you can do for yourself in order to alleviate at some of the stress or get some time out.


Hi and welcome,
My partner and I care for our daughter with schizophrenia.
I hope you are not too alone, caring can be very isolating.
Do you have any space for a hobby.
I do a bit of art and some people on the forum take photos.
Hope to keep chatting with you when you can join in
Warm wishes Ula

Hi Kiffer,
I care for my mum and also used to work but had to give up as she now needs 24 x 7 care. I never thought I’d miss work so much. I too have days when I’m very short tempered - especially when I’ve been up with mum 5 or 6 times in the night and I’m so tired I can barely think straight. I hate myself afterwards but as others have said we’re human and we have failings. Forgive yourself and try to find ways to relieve the stress.

I have 6 hours a week to myself (3 x 2 hours) and I get out for long walks in those sits. I’ve started a bit of gardening as her bed is by the garden window so I can hear if she shouts me.

Be got to yourself and let others help if you get the chance (not an option for me).

I don’t post on here often but have seen some great advice and there are lots of very friendly welcoming people many who’ve had very similar experiences and know exactly what you’re going through.

Take care



I found it helpful having a easy reference file on care providers and care homes in order to start off with. I also then made a lot of brief summary notes on care homes and so on to refer back to. Best wishes. You can do this. You are in my prayers.

The whole process was difficult yet easy at the same time. I viewed the information on care homes and care providers in question online via their sites. I read inspection ratings and looked at reports too. I visited care homes with a diary to take notes as well in case I needed to. I obtained recommendations firsthand. I met with a few care company clients to discuss feedback and issues etc.

All possible options were investigated. It took me a couple of years in addition to find a good care home.

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You clearly did a lot of research @thara_2207 may I ask who this was for, was it an elderly relative. I presume you found a good place in the end. Well done.

@Kiffer Just keep remembering your wife as you love her and not as she deteriorates. It’s very hard - even this afternoon I had to take a very deep breath when Graham was struggling to walk from the lounge to the kitchen as I found seeing him struggling like that very upsetting. However, love remains true and no matter what else happens no-one can take that from us or from you.

I get annoyed because he wants to empty the dishwasher - but leaves it til I am about to prepare an evening meal before he does it - dishes have been sitting waiting to be unloaded all day and I can’t understand why he doesn’t do it sooner, but if I jump in it takes away more of his independence, so I have to bite my tongue and let him do what he can, when he can.

It’s really difficult and people ask what help I want/need but I can’t explain it easily. I would love more time to myself, but that won’t work as Graham doesn’t want someone ‘sitting him’ as again he sees that as a loss of independence. BUT if i go out and don’t get back when he expects me he panics in case I have been involved in an accident. Illogical and I have my phone with me so he could call to check, but doesn’t. I know it’s cos he fears how he would cope without me in the event of an accident, but is still an awkward bind.


For myself. And I am getting there.

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