New to forum

I’m not sure where to start. My dad lives by himself. Both my mum and my brother died of brain tumours 10 and 17 years ago respectively. He is 75 and still pretty active. In the past few weeks after a few minor issues with his health he seems to have developed severe health anxiety. He has been to the gp countless times, called 999 and 111 saying he doesn’t feel right and listing various pains, he’s had a ct scan and other scans which are all clear before it was decided it was anxiety. He is on anxiety meds and has been referred to a therapist but it just seems to be a waiting game now.
Everything seemed to be settling down but he had a bit of a shock yesterday, (some scam artist trying to get money off him, which I’m dealing with). Anyway this morning he has dialled 999 and is his way to hospital because he feels faint.
I just don’t know what to do with him. I’m not the most mentally resilient person on earth and suffer from anxiety myself. I’m worrying myself sick and dread the phone ringing. I’m feeling like it’s all falling on me to do and say the right thing but I just don’t know what to do. It feels horrible to admit but I hope they do find something physically wrong with him to justify the behaviour but I know they’ll send him home again. I’m not able to care for him. I work full time often travelling and I live 35 miles away. I’m also not strong enough mentally.
I think he needs to get out of his current house and move into a retirement flat or something with a community close by but in the short term I think he needs some sort of respite care for people with mental health problems.

Hi Jackie … welcome to an extremely quiet forum as I type.


I think he needs to get out of his current house and move into a retirement flat or something with a community close by but in the short term I think he needs some sort of respite care for people with mental health problems.

Two links which will be of immediate assistance … AGE UK and MIND :

Both have experts who will assist you in finding the best solution for your father … assuming he is prepared to accept it ?

What outside support is he currently receiving ?

Any Needs assessment done through the LA ?

Is he a home owner … or a tenant ?

Assets / savings … above £ 23,000 … will determine if charges for outside support may be levied.

Thank you so much Chris. I’ll look at those links now.
He’s a homeowner, I’m not sure how much he has in savings but I doubt it’s that much but I am prepared to pay to get him help.
We aren’t getting any help yet other than referrals to 2 types of therapist but he hasn’t had any sessions yet. No needs assessment has been done. It’s just all happened so suddenly.
I don’t know if he’ll accept help, I do think he wants to get out of his house as it holds so many bad memories and I just don’t think he wants to be alone anymore.
Thanks again.

Your welcome.

When it comes to carees and outside help , the words HORSE / WATER / DRINK spring to mind ?

One final link … a guide to outside care support … what’s available and who provides it :

First rule is NOT to start paying for anyone else’s care. If dad is assessed as needing care, either it’s provided free on the NHS or he should have a financial assessment from the council. Only HIS income is considered.

I’m not surprised you feel especially anxious at the moment. You’ve had a lot to deal with. I had counselling designed specifically at how to manage my caring role, which was life changing for me. I realised how my parent had groomed me into thinking I had to do whatever she wanted, to be a “good” daughter.

I had some counselling arranged by a carers group, but now have private counselling. It is £30 a session, worth every penny. Once I’d got through the crisis phase I saw the counsellor whenever I felt I needed to. It must be about 18 months since my last visit, but I know I need to go and “offload” soon. My counsellor is a woman about my own age, we have a lovely relationship as far as I’m concerned. She doesn’t tell me what to do, but supports me to find what is best for ME. I’ve been a multiple carer, now just have a son with learning difficulties who is the focus of my life, always needing something, so “me” time is precious.

If you can, avoid paying for his care.

Can you afford counselling or not? My son has a physical impairment. During his first year of life, I was assigned to a therapist. It helped me but I decided to stop last year however I do definitely need to go back soon as he is a bit older and his personality is harder to deal with. Try not to feel embarrassed, we all need support and help sometimes.

Hi Hi Jackie and welcom to carersuk. Is there anyone else to help you with your dad? It is a lot to cope with on your own. Has dad got any friends ? It sounds like your dad is on his own for much of the time and maybe feeling very lonely.

Thanks everyone.
I think I do need some counselling to cope with the situation. I can get some free through work I think so I shall look in to it tomorrow.

He does have quite a few friends and always had a pretty active social life but he is definitely becoming more withdrawn. He has admitted to being lonely.
I do have some help, my aunt is amazing. She just doesn’t get as stressed out by the situation as me and she lives closer to him so she has taken some of the panicked phone calls and calms him down. She also used to be a community nurse. it’s just the weight of responsibility I guess. It’s all happened so quickly.

I need to get the right to share info with his doctor sorted tomorrow if my dad will grant me the right that is. Then hopefully I can start discussing care with them.

You can write or call your dad’s GP. Whilst he may nbot comment about dad’s health condition to you, he most certainly should listen to what you say.

Thanks Bowlingbun
I have spoken to my dads GP to voice my concerns and they have listened. I suggested that I thought he was suffering from anxiety. They have actually asked me to fill in the right to share form though so they can speak more freely though.