Hi I am new on here but thought join as I am really struggling. Back in 2017 my husband and father in law made a decision to live together, I had said no but decision was taken out my hands. At this time We had been married just over a year and had a 1 year old. The idea was we would use the back room and conservatory and the main living room could be for us all until we converted Garage.
My husband had no idea how hard it would be as his father took residence in middle room and isolated himself from everyone and started not looking after himself in the 1st year he was hospitalised 3 times and although we tried to get help he sent the intermediate carers away. His mobility has since declined as refused to move from one chair, the situation has now got worse his general hygiene is poor and he is absolutely filthy. Despite advice on his diabetes and other health issues he ignores it therefore his diabetes is now uncontrolled affecting his eyes and causing vascular disease. He suffers anxiety and depression and has been prone to urinary infections causing confusion. He has fallen several times but I cannot safely assist him up as he wont help.
I now have a 3 year old and a 3 month old and I’m finding this situation unbearable I worry for the children as he leaves his tablets and insulin around and he frequently leaves puddles of urine and faeces on bath room floors. I hugely resent my husband as impacting our relationship and I find myself juggling to keep house clean and safe.
My husband is finally getting to understand how bad things are but really needs some support and advice . I just know something needs to change.
Do any of you know the best way of seeking advice and help
Have a good perusal … everything you need to know under one web site … starting with the very basics
right through the whole show including financing … wills … power of attorney … etc. etc.
I will assume that your father-in-law has no interest in your property ?
Any contribution towards it … either a lump sum or payment which could be described as rent ?
If he has , definitely AGE UK for the impact that might have down the line.
Welcome to the forum. This situation CANNOT be allowed to continue, especially as you have two little ones and this is going to destroy their childhood. They are your top priority, so you should use this as a lever!
I’m absolutely on your side, you must be very lonely because you can’t invite your friends or the children’s friends in for play days etc.
I’ll ask a few starter questions, but will be back later.
Why did they decide to live together?
How old is FIL, your husband, and you?
Who legally owns the house?
Is FIL getting Attendance Allowance (if over 65) or DLA or PIP (under 65).
Does your husband have Power of Attorney for dad?
In your opinion, is FIL developing dementia?
Has the garage now been converted?
Have you told your GP how you feel?
When did you last have a proper holiday?
It’s time for you to gather some ammunition.
Keep a diary of what happens on a daily basis.
Use your phone as your greatest ally. Take pictures or videos of everything possible, especially the mess FIL is leaving for you to clear up.
Make an appointment to see FIL’s GP a week on Monday. After a week of record keeping, go and see the doctor and explain FIL needs urgent help.
My father in law is 87 and my husband is 48 and I’m 43. My husband made a promise to his mother to look after his dad and new he couldn’t cope living on his own if we moved. I had said no but had decision taken from me as husband decided to sell house.
My husband had no idea how bad his dad was, but has an attitude of just continuing. He has hor dementia on his medical records but to my awareness was not formally diagnosed.
He does not receive attendance allowance or any other benefit apart from personal pension and state pension and pays a small contribution to the running of the house.
My husband has not spoken to the gp but I will advise he does and to contact age uk. He tends to bury his head
Unfortunately the garage was not converted as husband thought would isolate him even more.
He refuses to go out refuses to help himself and I think most of his behaviour is behavioural as acted up more after I had second child and was recovering from c section. I feel lonely and need a break a new born hard enough with a toddler but it feels like have a 3rd child and I resent it.
Have I got this right, your husband has sold your house and moved in with dad??
Do you have any legal ownership of the property?
I think it’s time you and your husband had a weekend away and worked out a plan of action. If your husband is burying his head in the sand, then you must take charge of things. I’ve had a hysterectomy, same op as a C section in many ways, without the baby at the end! I understand that it’s difficult but thanks to emails etc. you can do most things from home.
Your own top priority is having a Carers Assessment from Social Services asap.
Time for you to stop being treated as a slave.
Dad gives your husband Power of Attorney.
Your husband becomes dad’s DWP Appointee managing his DWP affairs, i.e. claiming Attendance Allowance.
This is quick and easy.
GP appointment for mental capacity assessment, or visit from Community Psychiatric Nurse.
Contact Social Services for details of dad’s last Needs Assessment. This should have a Personal Budget, and he should have been offered Direct Payments.
[list You do NOT DO ANY MORE CLEANING,BED CHANGING ETC. Domestic help comes in daily funded by Attendance Allowance.
You have some dedicated time off when your husband looks after dad and the children to go out and join your friends, got to the gym.
IF YOUR HUSBAND DOESN’T LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO SORT THIS OUT, TO PROTECT YOU AND THE KIDS, IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. You are his wife not his dad’s domestic slave!!!
Sorry, the bullet points haven’t worked out properly, but I’m sure you see what I’m getting at.
No husband sold his house to move to nicer area and brought his dad to live with us. Hubby is a good man but did not think it through. He knows now its affecting our marriage and I’d starting to think a little more clearer especially as affecting my mental health. Thankyou for you advice. I will be speaking to hubby again tonight
Did dad contribute towards the purchase of the house?
If not, he has no right to remain there.
I’m not suggesting that you kick him out tomorrow, but he does need to realise that it’s your house and your rules.
Don’t think of it as your husband’s house, you are married, and you are the woman of the house, which absolutely gives you the right to think of it as yours.
Did you know that legally, whatever your relationship, you cannot be forced to care for anyone if you don’t want to?
After a car accident I could only climb the stairs on my hands and knees, so we converted the garage to a downstairs bedroom for me, and it’s the nicest bedroom I’ve ever had, complete with an en suite bathroom and a washer/dryer. It’s vital for you and the kids to have a clean hygienic bathroom, sorting out the garage would be a great solution for you. The big question is, even with that done, will it work. You might even get a council grant for the work, depending on dad’s savings.
That’s why I asked about a Needs Assessment Ayjay, because if carers were arranged, there should already be an assessment etc. which would provide extra money.
This is potentially serious. Nor should it be allowed to continue. You have small children, and it will affect their childhood. Make giving them a happy and nice childhood your utmost priority. I fully concur with you. You must be practically isolated and depressed because you have no chance of escaping at all. Have you tried keeping a diary? During my first year of caring I used to write down my feelings in a diary each night. I also saw a therapist each week.
When was the last time you took a break to just do something for yourself? Even if it is only a trip to a local beauty parlor to pamper yourself or a walk by yourself at a local park it still counts. Find me time opportunities as much as possible. Think of your life. You are a mom first and foremost. Can you afford professional counselling or not? It might ultimately help both of you. Ask for a referral. Also phone the council next week to request a needs assessment. A social worker will do one with you at your home. The social worker should also assess your financial eligibility.
Now is the time to proactively act. Go on a weekend away and also make some plans for the future as well. In terms of finances and benefits, are you claiming Attendance Allowance, PIP and so on? Make a appointment with a benefits advisor next week to discuss claiming benefits. Citizen’s Advice Bureau can help you complete the application form.
This is a useful online directory on care homes https://www.carehome.co.uk. Make a quick list of homes to check out. Go prepared with a short typed up list of questions to ask. Trust your gut instinct. Read the inspection reports and check the reviews as well but remember they do not tell you everything which you should know about that care home either. And nothing beats a visit to a care home.
Make sure to see all areas of the home. Even try to view the bedrooms and toilets too. It is never advisable to leave dangerous needles lying around for small children to hurt themselves with. Something must be different from now on. Why should you continue to suffer like this?
I’m sure you are dismayed at the prospect of confronting dad. However, reading your original post again, there is a simple solution.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you try to lift him, especially as you have had a C section. You must call an ambulance to assist. Then you can explain the situation and tell them that you cannot go on like this. Given the situation you describe, they should agree. In preparation, quietly prepare an overnight bag, with toiletries, dressing gown, pyjamas.
Also, ask his GP to arrange a visit from the “Continence Nurse”. Every surgery should have access to one.
In short, don’t grin and bear it any more, start yelling “Help!” You are not the only one who has been on the forum, sadly, in this sort of situation.
1.As others have already stated you and your husband need to be on the page. Do you have any other family members and/or friends… Who could speak with your husband and back you up.
Are you able to take a few days away. With the children and ask your husband to be available for his father. Perhaps this is something he need experience on his own. To see how you feel.
Has an O/T ever visited the home re: any type of equipment. If not this is a good avenue for another professional to see what is happening.
I think my husband is finally seeing it more clearly. Tonight we have talked again and he has arranged carer assessment and will talk to the gp and I will make an appointment for myself. We had an ot assessment and some equipment about 18 months ago and and intermediate care package after a succession of hospital admissions but they stopped as the father in law told them he didn’t need anything .
Things improved for a while but we haven’t had any followup. But things have now got so much worse and although he is still mobile up to a fashion with aid of a stick and manages to make snacks and cups of tea. We e had a few hypoglcaemic events and a few falls as he rushes from room to room.
He doesn’t manage his medication and is obsessed with his bowels so every other week takes a load of non prescribed laxatives and then more issues arise.
I’ve spoken to my own parents who are in late sixties unfortunately they dont live close by but I will be taking the children to them for a week soon for a break. My husband is an only child but has an aunty and uncle much younger than his dad who I’ve asked him to talk too.
I’ve shown him all your replies and hes taken it all in but hes now getting upset. Hopefully after carers assessment and discussion with gp he may feel more supported but this is obviously difficult for him and he will feel that I’m constantly on his back.
Hes a good man but didn’t think any of this through and closed his eyes to it for a while as just didn’t want to face it until its sunk in that it’s now impacting our marriage. I think things gave obviously come to heads after birth of our daughter. I really appreciate your advise and support its helped getting it off my chest and others seeing the impact.
On last care assessment my husband wasnt truly honest and the father in law came across as not needing much but I think this time things will be different as something now has to give .
Dont worry I have no intention of picking him off floor even trying the best of moving and handling would still be a risk I cannot take.