I have asked adult social services to visit because last time I contacted them they phoned him and he lied to them saying he was fine and he did not need any help. With regards to pendant alarm myself and husband have explained all this to him that he would be there for days and he said he won’t fall. I’m at my wits end with him as when we phone him you don’t get a proper conversation either.
Take last time we went up, my husband did his shopping and he wanted orange juice, he never has orange juice but he saw an advert where it was on offer, so 4 cartons of orange my husband got him (4 was the offer) then before we left he asked my husband to get him fish and chips from his regular chip shop but that chip shop was closed so we got him fish and chips from a different chip shop. We phoned him 6 days later and he said to my husband the fish and chips you got me made me have Diarrhea, so my husband said did you drink the orange juice and grandad said yes I’ve had 3 cartons so my husband said no wonder you are going to the toilet and he said no it’s not that it’s the fish and chips that you got me you made me ill.
I’m probably just too picky about everything but little things are upsetting me now
He might be showing the first signs of age related mental health issues. They can creep up very gradually, and once over 85 a lot of extra needs develop. Start making a note of things to see if a pattern is emerging.
With regard to the juice, large cartons can go off very quickly, especially if not put back in the fridge. We’ve given up on large cartons altogether, we just buy the small ones now.
Hi @Tracey1012 I’m exhausted just from reading your messages! To be honest, I think I’d have lost my patience some time ago and told him that he may be terrified of going into a care home (I’d put good money on that), but not accepting help will probably end up putting him in care or underground. If he wants to remain in his own home he has to accept help.
Incidentally, it would be the worst mistake of all to offer to have him at home with you. He would be disruptive in the extreme and there would be no peace. The stress of moving would probably not do him any good either, especially if as @bowlingbun says, at 99 he has some form of age related mental health issues. A move would almost certainly accelerate any deterioration.
And I think @bowlingbun is probably right: the fish and chip vs orange juice saga suggests that, if nothing else. I’d be amazed if there wasn’t something going on there.
If nothing else works, perhaps it’s worth visualising him as the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland…“All ways are my way.” Might bring a smile to your face if nothing else. 
I would put money on it that his mental capacity is going down hill but do you think we can get him to the GP! Honestly it’s driving me insane as I know he needs help, my husband knows he needs help but he is too scared to push him into admitting he needs help. Compared to Grandad my Mother is a dream to care for.
He does ask the same questions over and over but I’m just up against a brick wall. I am hoping adult social services will come round and see him, the last time we went to see his GP she told him you shouldn’t be living alone and he just said he was fine.
It might sound like I’m making excuses not to do anything but I’m not, as he’s only my grandad by blood the choices of everything don’t come down to me, if he was my grandad things would be much different I can assure you.
I knew when my mum needed to move from her home into a warden assisted living and she did it with no fuss whatsoever and even though she has heart failure she still does what she can she just gets very breathless, but she listens to my opinions and suggestions just doesnt like me being away
On top of all this I have an autistic adult daughter who is 22 and we take her boyfriend who is living with us from America back and fire to uni every day, as the public transport from our area doesn’t go to the uni. I just feel like I have no life at all. We are supposed to be going to Norway in August for our 25th Wedding Anniversary but that cannot be booked until a few days before incase we are needed here. Sorry I’m whinging yet again which I feel bad about because there are so many worse off than us
Do NOT think there is any pecking order here.
We care for many different people but most of the issues are very similar.
You’ve just added a whole new layer of issues.
Daughter’s boyfriend is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Tell him that he has to sort out his own transport from 1st April.
That gives him time enough for a solution to be found. Maybe move nearer uni?!
Is your daughter able to work, run a home of her own?
Is she even aware of the extra work they create for you???
Of course grandad says he’s fine, but he isn’t!
Daughter’s boyfriend is having driving lessons so hopefully that will help. They are hoping to get a place together once boyfriend has finished uni which will be May 2025. She is not badly Autistic she can go out if someone is with her.
Grandad does need help, I know he does, but what can you do if he is refusing? My husband I feel is too soft with him, I know that sounds harsh but he needs to put his foot down and when I suggest this we end up arguing. Sorry I’m not in a good mood today. We were meant to view a new car tomorrow (only spare time we had this week) and the garage sold it this morning so it’s upset me a bit.
May 2025 is over a year away.
I hate to sound mean but are you sure this boyfriend isn’t just using you when he’s studying?
Is he paying you any rent, anything for food?
How will your daughter manage on her own if her boyfriend is out all day?
If she needs someone with her when out and about, is she claiming PIP?
No need to apologise for not being in a good mood. I would question whether you are depressed. Maybe an alternative is that you are what I call a Clapped Out Carer? You’ve done too much for too long for too many people, and are now “running on empty” like a car with no fuel left. You need a complete break for a week or two, you are not invincible and your body is trying to tell you this. My late husband did too much for too long and died at the age of 58 from a massive heart attack. I developed a life threatening illness. Consultant told me that years without a holiday hadn’t done me any favours. In the first 16 years of my son’s life I only had 3 child free days, in hospital, having a hysterectomy.
No he’s not using her, they have been together way before Uni, he used to come over for holidays, we know his parents and consider each other as family. He pays his way every year from his student loan. My daughter is fine in the house on her own, she has a job working from home as a games designer she’s fine on zoom meetings etc, she’s very intelligent she just doesn’t like public transport she’s not good in social situations but she does try.
I’ve just made an appointment to see my GP next Friday, I’m going to tell him everything. I work every night too 5-9 I think I need to take a step back from something. Thank you for your advice
I’m so pleased to hear that it’s a very positive arrangement.
We we visited Grandad yesterday, as suspected he had drank all his orange juice and asked my husband to buy another 4 yesterday.
Anyway took him to the pub for lunch, then when we had walk back to the car which is a 6-10 sec walk and normally a 2 min walk for grandad took 15 mins with both of us holding him up and stopping every few steps, I say steps it was more a shuffle. When we asked him what was wrong as this had never happened before he said his legs have started getting tired in the evenings. We offered a pendant alarm again as he now obviously has a greater risk of falling and he said no. We offered to bring his bed downstairs yet another no and we offered a zimmer frame yep you guessed it no!!! I’ve now come to the conclusion it will take a fall or for him to become ill to actually ask for help.
I have now decided that we cannot do anymore then we have already offered. We are just trying to get a stubbon old man to change his ways which will not happen.
Tracey you have obviously tried your very best - non compliance is very hard to deal with. If he has Mental Capacity, you cannot physically force him as in moving his bed downstairs or that could be termed ‘abuse’. I would go and see his GP and explain your concerns to them. Maybe they could talk to him on the phone and explain that if he fell, it mean the loss of his independence and he would end up in a home!
I do feel for you as was in a similar situation with my late father. Hopefully others will be along soon and offer more useful advice but my only thoughts really are to have a no holds barred conversation with his GP, and I personally would follow it up with a letter, sent special delivery. And then disengage to a degree for your own mental and physical health.
Yes, it will take the very real threat of residential care or hospital, so step back now. So sad.
Is grandad still handling his own finances? I presume he’s not as it mostly has to done online these days. We had to resort to lying to Dad that his carers and his emergency alarm were all paid for by the council. He was none the wiser. Having said that neither mum nor Dad would use their emergency alarm as they were convinced they’d be hauled off to hospital never to come out again. Dad would also lie to any & all carers about his abilities & would frequently tell them to beggar off. But he had one he liked and it was really good for him to have some company.
Yes he handles all this finances, he doesn’t have online banking he has no mobile phone or internet, but he has a few bank accounts and gets monthly bank statements. All his bills are direct debit and his card only gets used to get cash out of the cash machine by my husband as he has gardeners and window cleaners.
When we go back up my husband has said he’s going to try again with the pendant alarm.