New here and struggling


My name is Marcelle I am 52 and currently caring for my mum and sister. My sister gave up work to become my mums full time carer after we lost our father last January. She has her own problems so in December 2021 I moved in to help. I have gone from living alone to sharing a bedroom with my mum. She is very difficult, extremely rude and in her own words lazy. My sister who is actually her registered caring has taken a back seat and I pretty much do it all.

I just find my mums attitude so difficult to deal with. Her disability is physical and not mental in essence she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s or dementia so is in control of how she acts. I have to fight to get her to shower, she is doubly incontinent and wont change her pads so gets sores, She literally gets up and sits in her chair all day reading and goes to bed. I am accused of nagging her when I check she’s used her inhalers, been to the toilet etc. I am just at my wits end and feel completely alone.

Sorry for the rant and I am normally a bright upbeat girl its just getting to me,

Your feelings are normal and you are not alone here.

I don’t have any constructive advice or answers just the obvious observation that your situation is unsustainable for your own wellbeing.

Hello Marcelle

You’ve definitely come to the right place to connect with other carers who know and understand exactly what you are going through. A lot of carers are struggling for all sorts of reasons and I’m sure other carers will connect with you on the forum soon.

I also wanted to highlight some other ways you can connect with carers. We are running a series of weekly online meet ups, it’s a chance for carers to come together and support each other, we’ve had a lot of new carers join the sessions recently, many have said how helpful they’ve found them and its nice to be able to take a bit of time out for yourself.

Please have a look at our Care for a cuppa and Share & Learn website and see if you would like to come along. There’s no pressure to share anything you’re not comfortable with Marcelle.

Join up details are here:

Please do have a look Marcelle we’d love to see you there.

kind regards

Welcome to the forums.

Hi everyone

Not sure what has happened but we appear to have been at least partly hacked as there are unsuitable posts on here blocking up the forum. I’m posting here to bring this topic higher up the forum so that the rubbish can be ignored until the techs get to it.

Sorry about this.

Hi Marcelle,
Welcome to the forum.
You have a right to a full life of your own.
If family members are poorly, they have a right to some services from the NHS and/or Social Services.
They have NO right to any of your life!
I know how difficult it is when they expect it, but they are thinking primarily of their own well being, not yours.
You could pack up and leave tomorrow! Promise yourself that by a certain date you will have your own life again.
How to achieve this depends on various things.
Housing, money, and the nature of your mum’s illness.
Do you or your sister still have homes of your own?
Does mum own or rent her home?
Have over £23,000 in savings?
What does mum need most help with?
What is wrong with your sister?
Sometimes it helps to write a list, for your eyes only, of what is worrying/annoying you most, then putting it in priority order.

Thank you I have signed up :smiley:

Housing, money, and the nature of your mum’s illness.
Do you or your sister still have homes of your own? No neither of us have our own home.
Does mum own or rent her home? She rents from a housing association
Have over £23,000 in savings? No sadly not
What does mum need most help with? She has severe mobility issues so everything really
What is wrong with your sister? She is on the autism spectrum and has chronic fatigue syndrome

Are you aware that the housing association MAY give you a month’s notice to leave the house after mum dies or moves into care?

If mum has under £23,000 in savings Social Services would pay some or all of any residential care fees.

Some are kinder to carers but you need to establish their policy as soon as possible and get them to send it to you in writing.
Your sister should have a Needs Assessment of her own.

Yes that was part of the agreement when they moved here as its adapted they have advised they will however rehouse us,

Good, but do you have it in writing?
Some people have been promised verbally and then this was denied later.