Never thought I'd be in this position!

I never really thought I would be in this position whereby I’m living at home at the age of 53 with both parents who are in their early 80’s plus working full time. My father had a stroke a few years back, luckily I was at home as knew what was happening so he has slight weakness on one side, arthritis in his hips, along with depression which hit an all time low a couple of years back with violence towards Mum. Never seen my Dad behave like that wasn’t sure what to do but called the police…

My dear Mumsy has got osteoporosis, very arthritic knees and hands, along with Macula Degeneration. Plus following a fall a broken her right elbow which they are treating with gentle exercise as don’t want to operate due to her bone condition which they are investigating a bit more. Like most mother’s she normally just get on with it with out moaning to much!! I can’t believe that they are still married as she puts up with so much some days but she’s said that her vows are important, in sickness and in health!!

I’ve put my life on hold recently as they need more help, so after working all day, it starts again as soon as I’m in the front door :frowning:

I’m due to go away for a few days soon and feel very guilty that I’m leaving them to fend for their selves, as I know Dad is particularly lazy as he is old school where the women do all the cooking n cleaning so I know that Mum will be doing it all mainly.

I’ve suggested getting some help but they are adamant that they don’t want strangers in the house and can cope!!

I could go on but it’s getting late… never really connect to a forum like this so hope you don’t mind my bubbaling!!!

We don’t always get what we want: that applies to your parents just as much as it does to you, they will have to compromise to a certain extent in order to help you to help them.

Hi Linda,

Many of us have parents in denial. Forever treating us like children, forgetting that we have the RIGHT to a life of our own. My mum and dad lived 6 miles away, mum was housebound, dad worked away a lot, I was expected to do what mum couldn’t, although I also had a son with severe learning difficulties, a family home, and a business to run!!!

First, dump any guilt, your parents are paying the price of living a long age, unlike my husband who died suddenly a 58.

Try to step back a bit, and stop making yourself so available. Going on holiday is vital, and may well be a “reality check” for them. In the next few weeks, write down everything you are expected to do for them, and what you would like to do, but can’t.

Hi Linda,
Welcome to the forum. Full time working and then coming home to caring is exhausting, glad you have a holiday booked.

Unfortunately your Mum and Dad’s needs are only going to increase, so involving others is going to be a necessity or you will reach burn out. How about starting with a cleaner (and a gardener, if they have s garden.) This could be paid out of their attendance allowance and free up some of your time and take off a bit of pressure from your Mum.

They could trial meals on wheels or Wiltshire meals or similiar, so your parents get a hot meal during the day, whilst you are away. This could potentially carry on when you return, saving you cooking for everyone when you get home.

Do you have your own home too?


Oh dear I relate to some of this too. I had no idea what was in store for me when my parents got very elderly and needy, at the same time as my partner’s progressive MS meant he needs me too… It seems it is often very hard for our loved ones to get over/used to the idea, of being cared for by anyone but ourselves, and they understandably put it off, but it is to their own detriment as well as ours. If and when they can accept care they need from others, they also gain better relationships with their families.

I too can relate to this being 54 ah no i was 49 at the time started looking after them and when i said to my brothers i was going away for holiday they said “you cant do that”
It meant they had to come over abit more often
You have to think of your self as well
As someone said earlier you could get a cleaner or a care agency to pop in at meal times even if its to do the washing up …one if our clients as a volunteer from help the aged free just to read stories and sit and chat