Need advice for my mum

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Hi,

I am hoping for some advice. My mum is 71 and her husband is around 60-62, he had a stroke back in 2018, which has meant he cannot go back to work and luckily he had the foresight to have income protection, so they get a monthly income at least.

He is able to do normal day to day things like shower, get himself basic food, walk the dogs etc. But he no longer has a bank card and couldn’t go shopping on his own. His main difficulty is with his speech. He has never been the most patient of people but since he had his stroke his words get jumbled.

He is naturally a very loud talker… basically he hardly talks to my mum anymore, every time she asks him anything or tries to talk to him he abruptly/aggressively says UHH WHAT?!! He gets very cross and shouts ALOT.

Mum is getting older and needs more help than she used to, but he doesn’t seem to realise that she isn’t as able to do things anymore. She certainly doesn’t need a carer or anything but she is just aging and not as strong as she used to be.

At various times, she will message me to say that they have had a row and he has shouted at her. 2 weeks ago, he came downstairs, tried to say something but he couldn’t get the words out and my mum replied, do you want to try that again? He then tried again and still couldn’t say what he wanted to say, so he shouted really loudly in anger. Mum turned away from him towards the sink and he came up behind her and grabbed her wrists so hard and held her there, so she couldn’t get away. She shouted to ‘get off me’, to which he did.

Obviously this shook her up and when she told me I was fuming. She was messaging me about it that evening and he asked what she was talking to me about, so she said she was telling me about him grabbing her….his reply was just Oh! He doesn’t seem to have any control over his anger any longer, this isn’t the first time he has been like this. He has previously raised his fist to her, he has once punched her on the arm and she said are you going to hit me, to which he said Yes. Then punched her on the arm, so she did it back to him, so he hit her back on the arm harder.

I am very concerned about her, this is not acceptable. She feels stuck, she cannot afford to leave, he has no family, so she says, this is it for me. She is unhappy and I feel unsafe. I said to her that I was going to contact Adult Safeguarding and she was worried, because she doesn’t want to get him into trouble. I explained that he isn’t going to get into trouble, but he cannot behave like this and she doesn’t have to put up with it.

She says, he isn’t that violent! My answer to that was, do you hear what you just said, he isn’t THAT violent.

I know that he isn’t physically abusing her, but she is the one he lashes out at…. she is too worried to get into any kind of argument with him just in case he gets angry etc.

She is just so unhappy and say’s she cant leave. If I refer her to adult safeguarding, they may offer some kind of counselling, but I know he will refuse. He is very stubborn and thinks he is fine and that there is nothing wrong with him.

I am at a loss of what to do? I want her to be safe, which most of the time she is, but he definitely isn’t able to control his temper and I’m afraid that one day he will go too far and she might get very hurt as he is very strong.

Please, any advice would be great. But I really don’t know what help can be given to her.

Ideally, if she could walk away, I know she would, but she wouldn’t have any income and would lose her home, which is owned by them both.

I look forward to any advice you can give.

Thanks for reading.

Jess

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@Jesstts, one thing you could try is putting in security cameras at home. These particular ones, you’ll be able to see what is happening remotely via a smartphone, iPads or any type of computer. That way, if you physically can’t be there, you can still keep an eye on things. Also, keep badgering the Adult Safeguarding team. Insist on it. Hope this helps.

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Thanks @JohnnyBoy I have actually discussed this with my mum and she is happy for me to do that. I don’t really know what to say to the adult safeguarding team. Ideally I would love to find a way out for her, as she isn’t happy. She said this must be her punishment for all the bad things she did in her life…. its just so sad and unfair. I get that it’s probably not great for her husband and it must be so frustrating, but my main concern is my mum to be honest.

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@Jesstts , I get it. Make sure your mum is safe before going any further. Thinking on what you’ve posted, I sometimes think karma is giving me a kicking at the moment. Like yourself, I can’t seem to catch a break.

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@JohnnyBoy be kind to yourself

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@Jesstts, doing my best :wink:. This forum is here if you need it. Also, contact Carers UK helpline (online or over the phone). There are dedicated people who can give advice (much better than I).

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@JohnnyBoy she does get carer’s allowance and he gets PIP, which helps. I will give them a call to see if there is any help they can provide at all. Thanks

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Welcome to the forum. It’s a very sad situation. We will all try to make suggestions to help, some may be better than others. (A bit like all the conflicting advice about bringing up baby, read them all and then choose what feels right for you!).

Does mum have Power of Attorney or is she DWP Appointee, so she can manage his money?

If he’s getting PIP, does mum know that since the day it was granted he is EXEMP from Council Tax? Even better, this can be backdated!

Sadly, a stroke can lead to the development of dementia. When did he last have a brain scan? It’s probably time for another one. Can you write to his GP and explain what is happening? He won’t be able to reply to you due to confidentiality, but he should still read it. Do you parents have the same GP?

The difference in ages is going to be an increasing issue. I’m nearly 74, and one of the worst things about growing older is that my head has all sorts of ideas and my body just can’t do what it used to.

Has mum had a Carers Assessment (away from home) with Social Services, so she can explain what is going on at home? Does she have a tumble dryer and dishwasher to help with domestic jobs?

Is mum allowed to go out by herself?

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@bowlingbun, Hi, thanks for your reply. Yes mum does have Power of Attorney, as he is no longer able to make those kind of decisions really. I will definitely tell her about the Council Tax exemption, because I am sure she doesn’t know that.

I will look into getting him a brain scan, thank you.

Mum hasn’t had a carers assessment, she just applied for the allowance and filled forms out etc. She is able to do all her domestic jobs and yes, she goes out by herself when she wants to, so she can get out. We used to spend a lot of time together, but now I am working full time, so we don’t see each other as much anymore.

FYI, he isn’t my dad…lol. They got married a year or so after his stroke, more so for financial purposes and to make him feel more secure I think, but they have been together 20+ years.

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There is a difference between the Carers Allowance, part of DWP, and the Carers Assessment from Social Services, which looks at the support a carer needs in her caring role. Full details on the main Carers UK website.