I’m just looking for some moral support really as my father, who is in a care home, is just getting more and more abusive to me. I managed to have a few months away from him after he sexually assaulted another resident and was moved to another care home. However since he had a fall I’ve visited him and although I’m trying to keep my distance, the guilt is strong. He goes on intermittent hunger strike in a bid to either die or get sent home, which isn’t going to happen. He won’t engage in any activities at the care home. I was conditioned from a child that it is my responsibility to make him happy so it is very hard to watch. The staff are really lovely but they keep telling me how lonely he is and I don’t think they understand how abusive he is to me. I even tried to move him to a different setting as a lot of residents on his floor are deeper into their dementia than he is, in a bid to make him feel happier. He was in a lovely care home before but messed it up so I know, deep down, it will not make a difference. The staff on his floor feel that he’s not right for this setting but the overall manager disagrees. I just feel trapped every day and I just want this to be over. He has caused me to have a breakdown, nearly break up my marriage and my children suffered from me not being ‘present’. I think I hate my dad for what he’s done but feel I have to compensate as the care home staff must think I’m a terrible person.
You did what you had to do. I’m saddened to hear of the sexual assault on another resident, was this incident reported? It sounds to me he should be in prison, not a care home. It sounds like he’s playing with your emotions, playing with your heartstrings. Perhaps staying away would be best for your mental health plus, your marriage and your children. They need you as much as you need them. Stick with your family for now.
I would suggest going to see the manager of the home. Explain the background, as you have here. Then she must put a note on dad’s file that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCEScan they ring you. All communication must go via the manager. Dad has created this situation and must now pay the price. Then forget about him.
Agreed. You’ve said it better than I could.
@BubbleT Welcome and well done for posting. Your post was flagged up for me, because I have the same thing exactly going on with my Mum. She has abused my sister and I all our lives with narcissistic and obsessive behaviours. My sister broke 4 years ago and is now in a psychotic state in a secure hospital. I will not allow my mum to break me and you must do the same with your dad.
My mum was put into residential care a year ago and has fought and fought to get out ever since. She has told lies about me to staff and anyone else who would listen and at Christmas hatched a plan for an elderly friend to come up from Devon and take her down there to live, all without telling me or Care Home staff. She has finally been given a diagnosis of Multiple Personality Disorder, which she arguably should have had 70 years ago! But as she is deemed to have capacity, she can technically do what she wants and staff can’t stop her from leaving.
Less of me and more advice for you; The Care Home manager has “given me permission” to stay away and disengage from Mum, because they eventually witnessed first hand the abuse I get from Mum when I refused to be left alone with her. I have been in counselling since last April to help me with the guilt and it really helps! I have realised that I do not deserve to give mum my life by being her punchbag. 62 years is long enough! It has to stop and only you can stop it. My new motto is LET THEM! Your dad can threaten everything and anything he likes; it is not up to you to fix him. Care Home staff have a Duty of Care and will manage him regardless. I have decided that if my mum wants to carry on threatening suicide or making plans to leave the Home, she can just get on with it. I am not doing it any more, as in playing her games.
Sorry that’s a bit of a rant, but I hope it helps. This forum is an enormous support and really helps. We are here and I send you strength and hugs. 
@JayneyT, glad to help. Hope you get things sorted soon 
.
@JohnnyBoy thanks but the original poster was @BubbleT . I was just trying to help. 
@BubbleT hi and welcome you have come to the right please. I burnt out last June at 65 from my 92 yr old covert narcissist mum. This site has saved me. So much sage advice from people who really know.
The Care Home manager like @bowlingbun says needs to know the background and why you need to withdraw. For you if counselling is not affordable then look to YouTube. JerryTWise is very good. Others too. I found lots of things they said was “ she says that she does that”. The guilt is built in not a true guilt it’s been your bodies way of getting you to “feel safe”. A lot of the talk is about mothers however you are told it covers dad to. You must be stressed out tense and not knowing where to turn.
My mum is in hospital with fractured coccyx she wanted home after a week lasted one day before going back. I have not visited. Some of my family can’t understand that when I say I can’t do it anymore she has sucked me dry I ACTUALLY mean it. Hubby and I will make sure she is a safe warm has food medication anything for herself or the house. 4 carers per day and a cleaner. But phoning every night to listen to moans for 30 mins no. Given no empathy ok have some of that back. I could go on and we only say about our situations to let you know we truly do know and care. Keep posting. Roll call is great
Sorry for the misunderstanding. I’m just merely echoing some of your comments.