I’m sorry but I feel like I just need to vent.
I am a carer for my mum. She has a sever spinal curvature from osteoporosis. There is no more treatment available to her so it is just about trying to maintain a quality of life. Sadly though, my quality of life is going down the toilet, as I cope with the stress all on my own. Her whole world, and therefore mine, has become about her health. It’s nearly all she talks about. I dread the mornings when she comes in the lounge for her breakfast (the only meal I don’t prepare) as I have a saying now, that “misery is coming”. I know this is awful, but I don’t know what to talk about. She has wildly different views on the world to me, is frankly racist and homophobic amongst other things, and I haven’t got the energy to pick fights on every little thing. She loves animals, so do I, but is constantly looking at animal cruelty cases because, thanks facebook, that’s what comes up on her feed. Also, the daily mail, need I say more. Sometimes I just sit in silence and let her talk but it enevitably goes to her health or politics or the world is doomed.
I know the easy answer is live separately. This is extrememly hard though, as if I left she’s basically need carers and how that would go with her, eugh, I can only imagine. Second is I have no employment, and all sorts of issues, like mental and physical long term problems. I’m doing the best I can with Open Uni and coding, but this constant drain is running me into the ground. I live in a tiny 30ft by 10ft mobile home with some extensions, and have my 9x3 bedroom as my only retreat.
I don’t know what advice I’m looking for, but just need to get this off my chest. I’m waiting for a carers assessment and care assessment. They said, July, so who knows. I will have to face the music if and when my mum leaves as disabled benefits are being attacked and I’m no closer to finding stable work. The stress and worry is insane.
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Hi @SimonA Not sure what to say to help, but please do vent - we all need that from time to time.
Do you /Mum get any support form the Council Social Services? You say you’re waiting on a CA and we all know that can take time to be arranged, but keep nagging for it. Do you get any time to get out and have a short break (although from the sound of things, I know the answer).
Have you been in contact with the local Carers Support Centre? They would be a good place to start with cries for help.
Others may be able to give other pointers for you, but do keep venting on here as we all know what it’s like to be totally fed up with a situation.
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@SimonA you are more than entitled to vent and this is the place for it. I come here when it gets too much for me, and read, share and vent; knowing I can do so safely with people who understand what it is like.
A scheme that can give you a break is Carefree where you can get a two night stay in countrywide hotels for a small fee. I have joined and had my first break, only one a year, and it was such an escape.
I also joined a local carer’s group, they can also be helpful just to be in a space where people understand, as I found that people don’t really understand what it means. I found the carer’s assessment helped guide me to come places and also the support here.
Keep strong and sending hugs
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I can recommend “Carefree” - I used them for a two night break last November just before Graham was discharged form hospital, so I could ‘recharge’ a little. There are hotels etc all over the country who offer them spare rooms (they donate surplus rooms they don’t think they will be able to sell). The booking process is fairly simple and there’s an admin fee of £33 to cover the charity’s costs. Some rooms include breakfast and others don’t so it’s worth checking. I’ll definitely use them again. https://carefreespace.org/
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Simon, my mum was also very bent in later life. Not with osteoporosis, but ultimately diagnosed with DISH. Diffuse idiopathic Spinal Hyperostosis. Awful. A scan was ordered for something, but it had to be cancelled because she couldn’t straighten out enough. For years she resisted carers until I needed major cancer surgery when she was also ill. This took a lot of pressure off me, and after years of isolation, some self inflicted as “I don’t want anyone to see me like this” she enjoyed having other women to chat to, hearing about their families. Maybe introduce one to do the basic vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen. Then you can gradually “pop out” for longer and longer. How are you both financially?
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I agree with BB - we engaged a cleaner - just two hours a week - to help ease my load. Because she does a thorough clean of the bathroom and shower room and downstairs loo and kitchen I dont have that constant nagging job hanging over me. Such a relief.
Also I got to the point where I demanded some care help. We pay a private carer who is in for an hour three mornings a week to get G up, showered and dressed. that has made SO much difference to me. Now G showers at least three times a week when previously I would struggle to persuade him to do it once a week - yuk! It also means I can plan a short break as Steve should be able to help with extra hours and I have a friend who we hope will come to stay and just be a “sitter” in case of any emergency (he can then call Steve who only lives a mile away) and also get G an evening meal (I will leave everything prepared or in freezer). The stress relief from that is amazing. G is now accepting he does need help and realises that it helps me as he has been nagging for ages that I need to get away for a while - my answer was always “HOW? WHO WILL CARE FOR YOU?” Now Steve will do that and I can relax knowing he’s safe. Small steps to begin with.
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