My lovely wife suffers so much

Hi, my name is Kevin, aged 59, medically retired after 37 years in MOD due to a failed hip replacement operation and married to a lovely wife for 34 years.

Like many out there we have our ups and downs, sadly for us no children through no lack of trying, but since her father died as a result of a hit and run drunk driver that mounted a pavement when she was 22 she has suffered from anxiety, periods of depression, varying periods of low confidence and self esteem and the terrible feeling sometimes of wanting to end it all. But she still works in the civil service part time to keep her occupied and not dwelling on bad thoughts etc.

She is aware of her problems but to this day even after councelling and various forms of prescribed drugs she still struggles daily and now to add to all this the menopause.

Some days are better than others but there is no day where she cannot find that peace of mind, even when we get away for a break or her favourite past time through dancing. There is always something nagging in her mind to fear , be anxious about.

None of her friends are aware of these issues as she feels too embarrassed and to be honest she doesnt trust them which doesnt help as it would be so beneficial to talk about things more. She only confided with me or her mother but she sadly passed away 2 years ago which for a period of time as expected shattered her. But… bit by bit she is recovering from her loss…

Frankly, i am worn out and struggling and this brief synopses of our past years has me coming onto this site to try and offload a bit with any carer going through similar or sadly other reasons.

If anyone out there would like to share, chat, offload… please please add your comments to this and any other areas on this site i will add to.

Be well, be safe with warmest regards to you all.


Hi Kev & welcome

Your wife’s father incident much have been such an awful shock. Sometimes things are so traumatic and who are we to say. How someone should except, think, feel and cope. It’s not us is it. All we can do as spouses family and friends is to support the best we can. Sometimes people just want us to listen not give advise. I do see you wife’s point of view limiting sharing how she feels. Not wanting to justify why she feels the why she does. I think there is a lot of talk about people sharing makes you feel better. Maybe when you are in a nice comfortable place. And you have no emotional issues.

You sound so supportive to the point you have become as you say worn out. At this point I would usually say go and join a carers support group. But if you wife prefers to not have here information shared. However, I think you should consider the possibility of joining a carers group. You could join a local group but instead of going face to face. You could receive or make a time for a phone call. Where you could have a one to one chat. There chats can be about anything you wish. They don’t have to also be about you wife’s situation unless you want too.

The fact you have come and posted here

share, chat, offload

. Tells me you need you own support. At some point you will need support. As carers do eventually burn out. And you will find yourself unable to keep up the support you provide your wife.

Hi Kev,

I am also new to this site - I thought that I would say hello.

I can tell that you have loads of empathy for your wifes situation and how such a horrific loss of her dad at such a young age would have effected her. Sometimes nothing will make these traumas heal.

I know it is easier said than done - but make sure you keep yourself well too.

:slight_smile: x

Hi Kevin

I wanted to wish you a warm welcome to the forum and to highlight some of the options for connecting with fellow carers and for getting support from Carers UK should you need it.

Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers to take some time for themselves and chat to other carers. Feel free to join if you’d like to and there’s no pressure to share anything you don’t want to. I’m sure you’ll find others in a similar position to yourself.

You can find information on how to register to our online meetups at the following pages:

Care for a Cuppa: Online meetups | Carers UK - the next online meet up is today (Monday 12 July), 15.00-16.00 with further sessions shown in that link. This social is a great way to have a little break if you are able to and spend some quality time talking to people who understand what you are going through right now.

Share and Learn: Share and Learn | Carers UK - these sessions range from creative writing activities to beginners Latin dance sessions.

There is also Carers UK’s helpline should you need advice or support - Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (

Carers UK also provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers a range of subjects including:

Benefits and financial support
Your rights as a carer in the workplace
Carers’ assessments and how to get support in your caring role
Services available to carers and the people you care for
How to complain effectively and challenge decisions.